Lemon Party

Remember the Days

2007-04-01T18:25:00.000-04:00

Remember the days when the Internet was full of stupid? I sure do. Of course, it's pretty hard to forget every single day since the thing's genesis. Let's try this again. Remember the days when the Interwebnation Superhighway was jam-packed with retards, but there was somebody else out there who cared enough to call them on it?

I sure do. Oh, do I ever! But, gosh, it sure has been awhile hasn't it? I would say it's been at least a year, maybe even a year and fifteen days. It sure was a shitty year and fifteen days wasn't it? No one there to tell you if you'd done something stupid or helpfully remind the proper way to post your boring sob stories on the Interwebnation Superhighway. It was a dark year and fifteen days for some, but for many, too many, it went unnoticed.

An unconscionable number of bloggers carried on as if nothing had happened. They had no idea that the last bastion of competent writing had completely and utterly evaporated. Too absorbed by their pathetic efforts at composing their aimless dribblings, they didn't even look up as the last light of truth faded from the horizon. The wise wept, but the fools never wavered from their course, a course that left in its wake thousands of misspelled, idiotic, sycophantic, and generally awful blog posts.

We have seen the darkest days of the Internet, my friends, but worry not: such days are a dying breed. Dear readers, I know you may have lost your way in recent times, and I understand, I sympathize. It's time now though to stand up and return to the light. The guiding light. It shone once, and it shall shine again.

This summer.

Oh yes, there will be updates.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Nudeist Colony 36: Untitled Nudeist Colony

2006-03-16T23:55:00.000-05:00

Today's Nudeist Colony is dedicated to Gary Cooper. It contains a number of listings. Each entry contains the actual data of an Internet browser who stopped by our illustrious website. As usual I have given date, time, resolved domain, IP address, the page viewed, and the page the reader was referred from. All users are assumed to be English-speaking Americans using Windows and IExplore unless otherwise indicated. You should remember all that from last week though. That's right, we're having Nudeist Colonies two weeks in a row! Isn't that stunning? Did you know that the last time such an event occurred was March of last year? It's been almost exactly a year since this has happened.

You see, Nudeist Colonies really used to be a weekly occurrence, but I got a little sick of them (and of writing in general, if the truth be told) so they became sporadic. I've kept up a decent record though, and I've decided to unload the backlog this month, so here we are. There were just too many juicy ones for a single update, so I decided to divide them by month, which sure seems like an awfully efficient way to go about things. Maybe, just maybe there will be an announcement to that effect at the end of the month. We'll just have to wait and see, I suppose.

Wed Feb 8 00:32:37 2006
21.san-francisco-23rh16rt.ca.dial-access.att.net
12.72.163.21
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_02_01_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=%22hot topic is not punk%22 lyrics&sp=1&fr2=sp-top&SpellState=n-16

Hot Topic is not punk, you say? Well you're absolutely right. Sort of. There are an awful lot of references to Hot Topic and punk rock on that page, from the metaphorical pens of three different authors. Carver Buns was quite ready to espouse that exact position, which is what triggered Yahoo's webcrawlers. However, turtle_07's update seems to consider the two to be related, citing both as attempts to appear unique, or at least just like their friends, which is very similar to being unique, honest. There is another turtle_07 update that references an Internet moron who goes by the Internet handle of "punkdudeguy." Finally we have an update by Odovaucer (who just happens to be the author of this update as well) that mentions punks as a group worth hating, but does go into great detail or mention Hot Topic, though it can assumed that Hot Topic was certainly worthy of the giant list of things worth hating.

Mon Feb 27 23:36:20 2006
cache-dtc-aa01.proxy.aol.com
205.188.116.5
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_07_01_lemonparty_archive.html
http://dpxmldsl.verizon.net/_1_2ITYTEJ03LDHOH5__vzn.dsl/search/web/young nudeist

I have a confession to make. Last week I explained what nudeism meant, but my definition was erroneous. Turns out that what I was actually referring to was something called "Coherentism. Sorry.

Actually a nudeist is a creature of the Class Cephalopoda and Order Teuthida. In popular culture nudeists are best known as a culinary delicacy and as the terrifying sea monster that brought many a sailor to his watery doom. Long thought to be entirely mythical, "giant nudeists" have been generally accepted by the scientific community since the 1861 when a French gunboat managed to snag a chunk of one. In the following decades a number of decomposing giant nudeist carcasses washed up on beaches, primarily in Newfoundland and New Zealand, but no one had ever seen any sign of a live one until very recently. It was in late 2004 (after two years of work) that the first photographs of a live giant nudeist were taken, though the photos weren't released for another year. Early in 2006 the first live giant nudeist was caught by a fishing trawler, and can be seen preserved at the Natural History Museum in London. Interestingly there is another species noticeably larger, called the Colossal Nudeist, but little is yet known about this species and it is not known to exist outside of the Antarctic.

Of course the vast majority of nudeists are much, much smaller, most not exceeding sixty centimeters in length. All nudeists have ten appendages with suckers arranged in pairs. They have two tentacles (which only have suckers on their tips) and eight arms (which are much shorter and are lined with suckers. They have beaks with which to kill and eat fish and other crustaceans and perambulate by expelling jets of water.

Now, because this intrepid Internet user is looking for young nudeists, I'm thinking that he was hoping for cooking tips, and this, I'm afraid, isn't certainly not the place to go for that sort of thing.

Mon Feb 27 23:40:16 2006
Netscape 5
pcp0010339456pcs.chesnh01.pa.comcast.net
68.38.127.201
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_03_14_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?q=%22i am from the internet%22 funny picture&btnG=Search&num=100&hl=en

The search terms this person used were, in order, "i am form the internet," "funny," and "picture." Now this may seem confusing at first, but I believe I have decoded it. The answer is that he's a moron. I mean honestly, how people are there out there who think you can find something on Google by describing it? It's a computer program not a person; you can't just go up to it and start asking questions. You have to deal with search engines in the way they were designed to be approached. Google won't look at request and real quick scan the Internet for some funny pictures. Oh no, all it does is search the web for instances of your terms and returns them in order of popularity and relevance as judged by Google. It's not rocket science here. It shouldn't be any surprise that you're turning up sites that are completely and obviously irrelevant to your search, this one for instance. I have two more hints as well. When you're using Google to look for an image, I find that it's more effective to use Google's handy-dandy Image Search, and when looking for image macros you're probably going to get better results from calling them macros than from calling them "funny pictures."

Tue Feb 28 02:31:27 2006
English (Australia)
CPE-60-228-221-218.qld.bigpond.net.au
60.228.221.218
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_07_18_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com.au/search?hl=en&q=individuality-syndrome&meta=

Generally speaking, Nudeist Colonies are chances for me to say mean things about kids who found their way here once off a silly Google search and never return. It can also be seen as a showcase of the tremendous uselessness of this blog. We can't seem to provide anything of interest to our readers. Of course, it's hard to see that as a bad thing when so many of them are pedophiles. Still, it's heartening to see we that were able to help somebody here. Sure enough on the linked page there is a very thorough explanation of "individuality syndrome" provided by the one and only turtle_07. Wow, I'm starting to really feel good about myself. Better publish before the feeling fades. See you tomorrow in the cellars of IMDb.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Cellars of IMDb: Clive Owen Is Too Cool to Be Bond

2006-03-10T23:59:00.000-05:00

Last week we were discussing the movies in the works for the actor Willem Dafoe. He's getting his wish: a variety of interesting roles in a far-ranging assortment of movies helmed by a number of strong directors. Clive Owen will be appearing in Spike Lee's Inside Man, albeit in a much larger role. Owen has an equally successful-looking near-future, but for him success is a little different. He too is ever on the lookout for diverse and interesting projects, but Owen also has marked interest in growing his stock in Hollywood and being a big time movie star. But heck, who wouldn't want to do that? Also in the pipeline for Owen are starring roles in the British costume drama Elizabeth: The Golden Age, a sci-fi movie called The Children of Men, based on the P.D. James novel, and an action film currently known as Shoot 'Em Up. The latter's plot description on IMDb reads as follows: " A man named Mr. Smith (Owen) delivers a woman's baby during a shootout, and is then called upon to protect the newborn from the army of gunmen," and according to Canada.com the film will have shootouts during sex scenes and freefall. I for one think that this is not a movie to be missed.

Of course the excitement surrounding these movies barely recognizable when compared to the anticipation for Owen's fifth film scheduled to appear later in 2006.

Sin City 2. Going by IMDb's information it certainly looks like Owen's character Dwight McCarthy will be playing a major role in this movie as well, perhaps even a greater one.

Of course, if five starring roles isn't enough he also has his cameo in the Pink Panther as consolation. It's certainly a good year to be Clive Owen, am I right? Well yes and no. True he's got a ton of exciting-looking stuff in the works and certainly seems to be a bona fide star. Yet there's one thing he isn't: Bond. James Bond.

For a while he was considered the frontrunner in the race to replace Pierce Brosnan for Casino Royale (scheduled for release this year). He was not the first to gain that status, nor was he the last. Ewan McGregor, Colin Farrell,
Julian McMahon, and his Fantastic Four costar Ioan Gruffudd. None of them ended up with the role. Among the others considered were Henry Cavill and Gerard Butler of The Phantom of the Opera and Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. In the end it was instead Lara Croft's love interest from the first Tomb Raider movie who won the role.

If you recognize the name Daniel Craig from anything other than Casino Royale, it's most likely the arthouse action flick Layer Cake, directed by Guy Ritchie's producer, Matthew Vaughn. He's also appeared recently in Stephen Spielberg's Oscar-nominated Munich.* Craig will be the first blond Bond ever, while across the Internet, the Owen faithful are still complaining. If you ever seen the man in anything, you're immediately struck with the realization that this man was born to play James Bond. It's still not certain whether he turned it down or if he was even in serious consideration. What we do know is that Owen played a Bond-esque character called 006 in The Pink Panther, and it's safe to say that no one left that movie thinking Owen wouldn't have made a top-notch Bond. Perhaps he was afraid of getting trapped into the role and typecast, perhaps Casino Royale's producers were incredible idiots, or maybe, just maybe, Daniel Craig really is a better Bond. We'll see in less than a year.

Getting away from the whole Bond fandango for a bit, let's see just how our dear Clive Owen managed to reach his lofty spot on Hollywood's A-list. Born in 1964 in Coventry England, Owen was involved in theatre at an early age and stuck with it into the late eighties when he started get involved in film and television projects. His first big break came when he landed the lead on the hit television show Chancer.

He only stayed with it for two years before quitting on account of the pressures fame and the fear of type-casting. To further combat the great type-casting peril Owen took on the role of Richard in Close My Eyes, a young man who has an affair with his sister.

Perhaps he was trying a little too hard though. Owen didn't work for two years after that, largely because of the negative public reactions to the film and his character (quite a shift from the endearing scamp he played on Chancer).

After Close My Eyes Owen did mostly stage and television work for awhile, but didn't seem to learn his lesson as he returned to controversial sexual issues with his performance as a homosexual interred in a concentration camp 1997's Bent.

It paid off this time though. Owen's next appearance would be the following year in the American film Croupier.

Finally American audiences were getting a chance to see the sizzling new sex symbol for the themselves. Still, Croupier was no box office smash, and Owen once again turned to television, though this time it would in America. First there was Second Sight, a miniseries starring Owen as detective going slowly blind that was successful enough to spawn a number of followups, Owen reprising his role in each.

Next stop was a serious of glorified car commercials. But oh how glorious they were.

In The Hire Owen plays a mysterious but super cool chauffeur (who just happens to drive a BMW) who always seem to get involved in the nastiest in the scrapes. Luckily, thanks to his super cool BMW, the driver usually manages to wrap up the trouble in about six minutes of screen time.

What makes these ads so unique is equal parts Clive Owen and direction. It isn't just some hack churning out these things. There is major talent behind the lens, with John Woo, Tony Scott, Guy Ritchie, and John Frankenheimer among the men who have helmed The Hire commercials. The Hire also features an excellent array of supporting players. Such notables as Mickey Rourke and Madonna make appearance, but the highlight is Gary Oldman as the devil. The exposure brought him by The Hire brought Owen a number of more prestigious roles, including notable appearances Robert Altman's Oscar-nominated period piece Gosford Park and The Bourne Identity.

Over the last few years Owen has a number of starring roles, but so far all have been unsuccessful at the box office. His major supporting roles, however, have been more noteworthy. The aforementioned Sin City was a bona fide smash, and Closer, while particularly commercially successful, won rave reviews, especially Owen, who had been in the earlier stage production, albeit in the role that would be filled by Jude Law in the film version. Well he's got leading roles coming up, and the movies themselves (well some of them) look unimpeachable. This is the year we'll see what Clive Owen's really made of.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*Which was the best picture of 2005 by miles. In fact I can honestly say it's the best picture of the admittedly brief) millennium. Seriously, see it. I'm sure a lot of the impact is lost in the smaller screen, but I don't think you're going to find it theaters anymore. Anyone who doesn't think this movie deserved the Oscar either didn't see it or was too caught up in the homosexuality controversy or too pugnacious and myopic about the Middle East. The film is surprisingly neutral, deeply moving, and almost without flaws. See this movie.

Nudeist Colony 35: Nude Harder

2006-03-09T23:53:00.000-05:00

Today's Nudeist Colony is dedicated to Rene Descartes. This Nudeist Colony, like all Nudeist Colonies, contains a number of listings. Each entry contains the actual data of an Internet browser who visited this website. As usual I have given date, time, resolved domain, IP address, the page viewed, and the page the reader was referred from. All users are assumed to be English-speaking Americans using Windows and IExplore unless otherwise indicated. My comments follow each entry. It's been a while since we've done this, so today we're just going to catch up with some of the highlights of the end of 2005.

Fri Nov 4 22:21:29 2005
dialup-4.230.198.63.Dial1.Houston1.Level3.net
4.230.198.63
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_13_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=lemon party sex list&sp=1&prssweb=Search&ei=UTF-8&fl=0&fr=sbc-web&

The problem with this search is that it's awfully ambiguous. Is he looking for sex party that turned out to be a lemon? Does he want to see lemons having sex at a party? Maybe he's hoping for pictures of a lemon party having sex. Or he could be looking for drunken party sex with lemons as sex toys. The options are nigh endless, and we can't narrow them any. Thanks a lot, buddy. Next time how about helping us (and yourself) out with some quotation marks?

Fri Nov 4 22:33:40 2005
70-35-166-47.ironoh.adelphia.net
70.35.166.47
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_07_01_lemonparty_archive.html
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://us.vclart.net/vcl/Artists/Amy-Steele/Adult/tamxenderf

This is a strange little link, and the page itself has long since vanished. With a little Internet detective work I was able to find a related section of the website. It turns out that VCL is "the largest furry/anthropomorphic artwork and story library on the Internet." Uh-oh. Amy Steele herself specializes in anthropomorphic ducks. And yes, she does indeed draw them in what we'll call compromising positions. No, they aren't tasteful, and no, they aren't well-drawn. Still, as furries go, I've seen a lot worse. I think that says more about how jaded one gets after spending time on the Internet than about Amy Steele's artwork.

Fri Nov 4
22:37:41 2005
ool-18bd8e24.dyn.optonline.net
24.189.142.36
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_20_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeists&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&cop=&ei=UTF-8

Last time around I presented to a definition of the word "nudeist," but it appears that definition was incorrect, and I apologize. In fact that was the definition for something called "Dance Dance Revolution."

Instead, nudeists are actually the subscribers to a certain theory of justification, known as nudeism. Nudeism is a response to the question, "Can we know anything?" The question is important because, it would appear, there is no way to prove that the visible world is as we perceive it. To put it in vulgar terms, there is no way to prove that we are not in The Matrix. Since we cannot disprove that possibility, we cannot know anything. We can be certain that what we see is as it appears.

The earliest approaches to this problem are known as foundationalism, formulated most famously by Rene Descartes: cogito ergo sum (I think therefore I am). Here some beliefs are taken to be axiomatic, that is to say that they are self-justifying, while all other beliefs need to be justified in terms of prior justified beliefs. To Descartes, "I think" is self-justifying. This model is plagued with problems at the axiomatic level and as it progresses to higher level beliefs. Descartes' system, for instance, muddles about for a bit before declaring that God exists and is a cool guy so the world is real. Modern philosophers are not completely swayed by that argument.

One response to foundationalism is nudeism. Nudeism posits that justification is not a linear series of beliefs, but is instead holistic. Beliefs are not judged individually in a vacuum, but rather in how well they fought into overarching belief systems. For example, I am justified in believing the sun will come up tomorrow because such an event fits with my system of beliefs about physics, the nature of the solar system, and past experience. If the sun does not come up tomorrow, I will have to revise my belief system to a form that remains coherent with the sun not rising tomorrow.

The advantage of this system of justification is that it has nothing to do with objective truth, which is impossible to prove. Justification only has to do with how well a belief fits a nudeist's world view. One can be inside the Matrix and be massively deluded about the underlying nature of the world, but one's beliefs are still reliable and coherent; they still fit together into a system of beliefs that accurately describes the perceivable world.

Fri Nov 4 23:02:00 2005
dialup-4.252.244.77.Dial1.Dallas1.Level3.net
4.252.244.77
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_13_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p= under age sex picturs&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1

I'm never quite sure how to deal with entries like this one. On the hand, this fellow is obviously looking for illegal pornographic images of children. On the other, he's made an obvious and pathetic spelling error? Should I pick on him for being a pedo or for being an incompetent speller? Should I do both? Or should I do nothing and let him speak for himself more eloquently than I could ever hope to describe him? Today I chose a little bit of each.

Sat Nov 5 01:07:59 2005
66-168-180-98.dhcp.clmb.ga.charter.com
66.168.180.98
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_01_02_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeist links&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&cop=&ei=UTF-8

I'm a little confused by this one. I see nothing wrong with trying to learn more about the theory of nudeism, but I really don't understand why he feels to specify that he's looking for links. I'm not sure if you've ever used Yahoo's search engine, but, even if you haven't, you should still be able to guess that it only gives you links, no matter what you type in. That's right, the results you get without typing in the word "links" are just as linky as the one's you get when you do. Oh shock! Oh awe!

Sat Nov 5 02:11:26 2005
c-24-19-238-93.hsd1.wa.comcast.net
24.19.238.93
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_09_12_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=teenage nudeists&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-tab-web-t&fl=0&x=wrt

It is strange that philosophy has become so popular on the Interwebnation Superhighway. I really can't for the life of me see why teenagers with nudeist systems of justification would be any more interesting than adults with those beliefs, but I guess I'm just in touch with my fellow web surfers.

Fri Nov 11 00:25:41 2005
Netscape 5
pool-70-110-151-218.phil.east.verizon.net
70.110.151.218
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_13_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=child nudist free pic&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-t

I'll say this for our dear reader in Philadelphia: he doesn't beat around the bush. There's nothing subtle about this request, nor is there any room for misunderstanding. This man wants pics (pictures) of naked children. Specifically naked children who do not normally wear clothes. Nudists if you will. Just one letter away from nudeists makes all the difference. Strange that we haven't seen many of these requests before. One would think that the Internet's fascination with pornographic images of the underage that this sort of search would be a far more regular occurrence.

Fri Nov 11 10:06:57 2005
Farsi
80.191.230.88
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_13_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=sex party picturs&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&cop=&ei=UTF-8

Apparently there is a deep interest in sex parties in Iran, or at least Iranians seem to be interested in sex parties. At first one might be disgusted. I mean it's bad enough picturing a party full of Americans having sex together, but foreigners? That's enough to drive one's xenophobia into overdrive. I see it a different way though. I see this as one of the first signs of the success of the Bush doctrine. Our preemptive war in Iraq has spread our Western ideals throughout the Middle East. Something like this would never have happened before the invasion of Iraq. Our military presence has, in fact, brought good old all-American sexual kink to the Middle East. Sure they don't know how to spell "pictures" yet, but they're trying. Here's to the men and women serving in our armed forces overseas. Just look at what they've accomplished so far!

Fri Nov 11 16:19:04 2005
Portuguese (Portugal)
84.90.130.127
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://find-girls-for-sex-b.blogspot.com/

This somehow seems a fitting conclusion for today's Nudeist Colony. It should be noted that this blog most likely did not link to us. Instead our Portuguese reader most likely found his way to us via blogger's "Next Blog" button. What's interesting about this link is that there is in fact a blog named Find Girls for Sex. Or is there? Out of morbid curiosity I did indeed click the link and visit our blogspot brothers. Or tried to. As it turns there is, at this writing, nothing at that address. Something of a metaphor for life I think.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Cellars of IMDb: Willem Dafoe is Kind of Creepy but I'm Fond of Him Anyway

2006-03-03T23:58:00.000-05:00

More than anyone featured in this series thus far, Willem Dafoe deserves the title of actor. None of our previous entries have had resumes anywhere near as storied. Dafoe has been in comedies, straightforward action flicks, character dramas, sweeping romances, and even animated films in English, French, and German. He's played a diverse array of characters, sweeping across the spectrum from supervillains, hoodlums, and evil masterminds to heroes of all stripes to unclassifiable supporting characters.

All these things are but supporting details. What really separates Willem Dafoe from his colleagues on Cellars of IMDb is the aspect of his career that isn't covered in exhaustive detail on IMDb. Willem Dafoe, unlike such notables as Dave Chappelle and Ethan Embry, is an accomplished stage actor. IMDb does have this to say:

Willem Dafoe is one of the founding members of The Wooster Group, the New York based experimental theatre collective. He has created and performed in the group's work since 1977, both in the U.S. and internationally.

The Wooster Group is still active today, and they perform their avant-garde works across the globe. Not limited to pure theater, they've done radio work, film, and video, but the Group is best known for its unclassifiable mixed media productions. The Group began its existence as "The Performance Group," started by Richard Schechner in the late sixties. As Schechner relinquished control of the Group it was renamed the Wooster Group, with Dafoe, Elizabeth LeCompte, Spalding Gray, and Ron Vawter, among others as founding members.

Before joining the Performance Group and meeting LeCompte, who would become the mother of his son Jack (now twenty-three), Dafoe was one of the earliest members of another experimental theater collective, Group X. Group X put put most of its emphasis on improvisation, and when Dafoe left he was replaced by Violent Femmes drummer Victor DeLorenzo.

Dafoe dropped out of the University of Wisconsin's drama program to join Group X. He grew up and attended high school in Appleton, Wisconsin, where he was the seventh of eight children. Willem is a corruption of "William" that was foisted on him by his schoolmates.

Seventh of eight children in Wisconsin? Sounds like the boy next door type, and Dafoe confirms, "if you lived next door to a mausoleum," at least in public opinion. He says that he doesn't get a lot of straightforward roles because he's known as "an eccentric actor in dark little films." It's not an entirely accurate characterization. Sometimes he's in dark big films.

When his film career began in 1979 no one could have predicted the were it's taken him. The beginning was inauspicious in the extreme. On the strength of his theatrical performances he was offered a tiny role in the 1980 film Heaven's Gate. He was fired, and his scenes were cut. Two years later he got his second chance: the lead in the unspectacular and unremembered biker flick The Loveless.

Dafoe played hoodlums and other various villainous ne'er-do-wells for the next years in a number of movies, none of which were particularly noteworthy. William Friedkin's To Live and Die in L.A. was something of an exception, I suppose. Not exactly a box office smash (it grossed about seventeen million dollars), it was his first chance to work with a world-class director and that exposure would be lead to his second such opportunity: Platoon, directed by then-unknown Oliver Stone.

This was truly Dafoe's breakout role. Platoon grossed something on the order of twenty-three times its six million dollar budget and is still a highly-regarded classic, even in its elite company, holding its own against other revered Vietnam pictures like Full Metal Jacket and Apocalypse Now.

Finally playing against type, Dafoe was nominated for an Academy Award for his performance as the almost messianic Seargent Elias Grodin. Two years later he played a similar character, this time leaving off the almost.

The Last Temptation of Christ, directed by Martin Scorsese was, by all accounts, a bomb. Hugely controversial for its depiction of Jesus as more man and less God, it hurt the careers of everyone involved. As an interesting note, the subject matter is still hugely controversial, and it will be interesting to see what happens when the similarly-themed Da Vinci Code is released in cinemas.

The role was an obvious flashpoint for controversy and Robert De Niro had already turned it down.* He is regarded as extremely picky about his roles, yet has never shied away from controversial ones. Dafoe took the role of Jesus because his focus has never been on success in the normal sense. Instead he looks for interesting and varied characters and great directors. After the Last Temptation debacle Dafoe worked with a number of universally-acclaimed directors on what were, for the most part, under-the-radar pictures. John Waters' Cry-Baby, David Lynch's Wild at Heart, Stone's Born on the Fourth of July, and Paul Schrader's Light Sleeper.

Dafoe did find time to make some more mainstream movies, like 1993's Body of Evidence. In said picture Dafoe had the obviously unenviable task of being seduced by Madonna and being forced to film a sex scene with her. The poor, poor man.

Dafoe never let himself get stuck in a single sort of role once he had established himself. He still often finds himself playing villains thanks to his truly distinctive face. Leonard Maltin's Movie Encyclopedia describes him as having a "seductive, serpentine smile," which seemed tailor-made for two-bit punks in his youth and criminal masterminds as he entered middle-age. Still Dafoe plays countless other characters, sometimes scene-stealing supporting characters in movies like Basquiat, sometimes sympathetic leads as in Tom & Viv, in which he played the poet T.S. Eliot.

Today, readers will most likely identify Dafoe with one or more of three films:
The Boondock Saints, Spiderman, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. Of the three, the cult hit The Boondock Saints is the only one that is truly Dafoe's movie.

He has supporting roles in all three, but as the homophobic but gloriously flamboyantly homosexual Detective Paul Smecker he steals ever scene he's in, and even some he isn't. Responses to the movie itself are deeply divided, and the director's personality has ruined what looked like the possibility of a sequel, not to mention any chance of working in Hollywood again. Regardless, Dafoe's performance is golden. It's hammy as all get out, and you'll love every minute of it.

Dafoe's performance as Klaus in Wes Anderson's movie about (surprise, surprise) the search for a father figure is almost as entertaining, though nowhere near as robust.

His performance in Spiderman is somewhat campy, but it's perfect for hollow comicbook supervillain. The Green Goblin has been Dafoe's only comic-inspired character to date, and the movie allowed him to show off his stuntwork. It really is him under that suit (except for the CGI segments).

Recently Dafoe's been as busy as ever, working on Before It Had a Name, which he cowrote with his wife Giado Colagrande, who also costarred and directed, the ill-fated blockbuster xXx: State of the Union, and two other films released in 2005, as well as working with the Wooster Group. Dafoe says he does two-dimensional villains in big movies like xXx 2 and Spiderman and Speed 2: Cruise Control because they keep his name in circulation. Otherwise he can't get the interesting small movies made. He needs his name to mean something so his movies get produced and distributed. Plus he's always looking to try new things, be they filming on boats or fighting Spiderman with bombs and a glider.

This year he'll be appearing in Paul Weitz's American Dreamz,** Paris, je t'aime, and Spike Lee's Inside Man.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*Thank God. Can you really imagine Jesus Christ shouting, "You lookin' at me?" at a mirror?

**I had high hopes for this movie when I saw the cast and the premise. The more I hear, the more it looks like it's going to be a disappointment.

Back alley reporting

2006-02-15T22:51:00.000-05:00

April Fifteenth, aka the day after Valentine's day. Yesterday Odovaucer posted an eloquent (albeit incorrect) update on how to make Valentine's Day work for you. In this update I'm going to dispel some myths that he's made the mistake of spreading and explain to you exactly why Valentine's Day is the most worthless holiday in the history of worthless holidays (even more worthless than Boxing Day).

However before I begin I'd like to tell you a few things about myself. First off I'm not posting an angry hate-filled rant against females; I don't need a special excuse to do that. If I was doing that, this update would have started with "You know what sucks? Women." Secondly, this update has nothing to do with my lack of a girlfriend. In fact I broke up with my girlfriend once I discovered the truth (about Valentine's Day and the fact that the world is run by the Vaginocracy).

The truth you see, is a dark secret shrouded in mystery, a dark secret Hallmark doesn't want you to know about. Yes, everyone says Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday, but what does that really mean? I bet you the average Joe would tell you that it's a holiday made up to sell more Hallmark cards. Suffice to say the average Joe doesn't have a fabulously well-paying job writing for a free weblog. The real meaning of that saying can be dated as far back as 1912.

We all know that Joyce Hall founded Hallmark Cards, but what we don't know is that he was bitten by a vampire in 1912. Immortal and now fueled by blood rage Joyce Hall had only one source of sustenance: hobos. Convinced that there must be a better way he began to try and slowly pervert holidays to fit in with his more diabolic needs.

As he would find in the coming years however, many mainstream holidays had already been taken over by the far more powerful werewolves, ghosts, and tiny robotic men. Disheartened and depressed he went on a killing rampage, slaughtering more hobos than anyone had ever slaughtered before. The history books of course recorded this as an economic boom, "Unemployment goes down!" were the headlines of the time. Once Hall finally calmed down he discovered that the answer was staring him in the face.

His blood rage having taken him to a local library to feast on hobos, Hall now found himself in front of a book that might very well hold the key to his salvation (whatever salvation is available to vampires, that is): "The Life and Times of St. Valentine." Suddenly he had a plan. You see, at that time in history very few people attached any real significance to Valentine's Day. Tired of Schnapps-flavored blood and always having had a sweet tooth, Hall used the money he had accumulated from his current selection of cards ("Get well soon", "Happy Birthday", and "Sorry for sucking your blood") and poured it into the media slowly perverting the holiday.

Years later millions of brainwashed consumers buy cards extolling the virtues of love and candy, get a sugar high off of chalky faux-hearts, and then do it like rabbits. In their weakened state Hall and his vampire family slink into their homes and come out with what can only be described as "Vampire Candy". Well fed they return to their cavernous caverns to sleep for another year only to repeat the cycle again.

And that is why I do not support Valentine's Day or anything that has anything to do with it. And while you may laugh at this and call me a crazy cook, next time you wake up on February 15 with your loved one nowhere to be found, you should remember this: it's not her handwriting on that suicide note.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

VD Doesn't Have to Be a Social Disease

2006-02-14T23:59:00.000-05:00

Today was Valentine’s Day.* Now let’s assume for the moment that you have a lover this fine Valentine’s Day. Whatever are you going to do for your lover? Buy roses and chocolate? Sexy underwear? A teddy bear? Maybe even something a little more personal?

Seems a little farfetched, doesn’t it? Lemon Party readers with girlfriends? Yeah, right. And if you think that’s a tough one to buy, try wrapping your head around the idea of not only a female reader, but one socially well-adjusted enough to ensnare a boyfriend. If that’s not absurd enough for your tastes, how about homosexual readers in stable relationships?

So it seems I’ve misjudged my audience. None of you had romantic plans on Valentine’s Day, so why should I bother writing about it for you? My logic is that one day you may overcome your natural shortcomings and find yourself a woman who’ll love you who doesn’t answer to “Mom.”

Something tells me that’s a long way away, but you never know. Bitterly lonesome lifelong bachelor turtle_07 has, over the years, made more than a passing acquaintance with the opposite sex. Still, we’re going to work with baby steps for now. One day I’ll write you a comprehensive guide to getting emotionally involved, but for now we’re going to go with a simplified model, one fit for a Valentine’s Day update on the only worthwhile blog on the Interwebnation Superhighway.

Step 1: Make Internet Friends

Since you managed to find your way here you seem to have at least a rudimentary understanding of the Internet. With that newfound power you can find communities of likeminded people, no matter what that mind of yours is like. Fond of little boys? Try out NAMBLA.org. A college student? How about Facebook? A film snob might check out IMDb, a retarded chimpanzee might be entertained by Fark, a fan of RPGs or TCGs might want cruise by Wizards.com, and an overanalytical music listener might be at home at SongMeanings.net. Regardless of your particular niche or niches you’ll find people just like you, who are the easiest sort of folk to befriend.

Step 2: Make Real Friends

Of course everyone knows that Internet relationships are cold and pointless, so you’ll have to pick some friends “IRL” at some point if you ever want to integrate into that scary place where people comb their hair over their eyes or wear half a dozen Livestrong bracelets up their forearms. Don’t be put off by their peculiar fashion choices and disarming self-confidence: they’re no more intelligent or worthwhile than you. Don’t try to make friends with them though (unless you happen to be one of them). Your first real friends should be just like your first Internet friends. In fact they can sometimes be the same people. Of course, if you actually arrange a rendezvous with someone you met over the Internet I cannot be held responsible for any nonconsensual sexual acts that may ensue.

Step 3: Make Female Friends

Okay, so you’ve developed a cadre of likeminded individuals that you might call your friends. Now what? Well, you can sit at this step as long as you like, as you’ve know attained a status that allows you to venture out into the direct sunlight without the terrible shame of being alone. You’ve got your friends, your crew, your posse. They’ve got your back, and you’ve got theirs. The next step, my friend, is to expand your posse to include pussy. This is quite possibly the most difficult step since it’s almost impossible for your Internet friendships to be with girls. Sometimes this step can be achieved through the aid of females in your family or through a connection made in class or at work thanks to the increased self-confidence of having friends. These scenarios pale in comparison to a situation out of your control. Most of the time one’s first female friends are simply friends-of-friends or girlfriends-of-friends. Not everyone moves at the same pace, and not everyone starts at the same time, so eventually your circle of friends will expand to include someone whose circle had a chica or two. From here you expand slowly but surely. Most girls tend not to have many close female friends, because females are bitchy and jealous, but don’t worry; they all have networks.

Step 4: Start Dating and Hooking Up

Sometimes these newfangled “female friends” will take a liking to you, or be bullied or guilt-tripped into dating you, but don’t count on it. It does happen, but by and large the Ladder Theory is a depressingly accurate model for female behavior. Instead your most likely prey is, again, friends of friends. Especially popular are friends from out of town just staying for a week or a weekend. You, dear reader, are going to look much more attractive when she knows she won’t even have to see you again if she doesn’t want to. Stick to it though. There will be failures, but each success makes you more attractive in the eyes of her fellows (the jealous bitch thing again).

Step 5: Get a Girlfriend and Go Steady

Don’t call it going steady, or you won’t make it this far. If you have however resisted the temptation you’ll find yourself at your goal, the rarefied air of the “taken.” It ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. In fact it ends up sucking a hell of a lot more than you could ever have imagined a lot more often than you could have ever imagined. I would tell you not to let it dissuade you, but it probably should, and you won’t listen anyway. Burned once, you’ll go back for seconds and thirds and on and on until the buffet closes.

Wait a minute, you’ve got a girlfriend, and it’s Valentine’s Day! What are you going to do? Let me present you with one option, a twist on an old favorite that’s been sweeping the nation: cards. Plus, you don't even need to have a girlfriend for this one. You can send Valentine's Day cards to anyone you want.

Everybody looks down their noses at those sappy old Hallmark cards (well, obviously not everyone, since Hallmark’s still going strong), so why not subvert and detourn them? It’s witty, sensitive, and a chance to showcase your creativity. Or, if you don’t have any creativity to showcase you can head over to the Awful Forums and steal some art. Or, if you think you’re up to the task, you may want to head over just to see some examples to get the creative juices flowing. Your tools are simple: Adobe Photoshop or the equivalent, a modicum of comprehension of said image editing software, and Internet access. On the web you’ll probably have to search for base images, fonts, and Photoshop technique.

The cited threads take the cinema as their inspiration, and so shall we, at least for now. There are five styles of card that I want to discuss with you today.

One: The Textual Gag

Here we grab a quotation from your film of your choice and tack on a sappy romantic message. For example:

The benefit of this technique is that you have more flexibility in your image selection than other approaches. Pretty much any image of the character who provided the quotation will do, even if it’s not precisely the original context.

Two: The Trick Ending

A subset of the prior category, but should highlighted as a very specific approach. Here the quotation is presented virtually unchanged at the top of the image with a surprise conclusion hiding at the foot of the image.

One is great, but after the first the gimmick begins to wear thin. Use moderation.

Three: The Groan-Inducing Pun

This is again a subset of the first category, but deserves its own section. Take a word or phrase from the movie and pun on it to come up with a cheesy and saccharine-sweet (a rather peculiar culinary mixed metaphor) Valentine’s Day missive.

Traditionally one of the most rewarding cards, though also one of the most difficult to compose on short notice. Here the image generally needs to be more precise than in other textual gags, since the card is narrower in its focus.

Four: The Visual Gag

The opposite end of the spectrum from the textual gag, these are all about the image, while the text often has little or no bearing on the image’s original context. Indeed, that would be the source of the humor. It’s surprising how often a movie still gives completely the wrong impression when fitted to unexpected words.

Then again some images are pretty clearcut.

Five: Absurdist Humor

There’s a radio on my fingernail.

CAR!

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*This update written while under the influence of bittersweet songs and memories.

To Attempt the Unthinkable: In Defense of Uwe Boll

2006-02-08T03:40:00.000-05:00

Not long ago it was my privilege to spend six dollars and fifty cents on admission to a screening of BloodRayne, the latest video game-based opus from director Uwe Boll. What, you haven't heard of Uwe Boll? Worry not, Wikipedia does, and the synopsis is waiting in the following paragraphs.

German auteur Uwe Boll has helmed ten films so far. The first four were German language releases that never made it past that nation's borders. In 2000 things really got rolling when he founded his own production company, Boll KG, and started working in English. He directed three micro-budget pictures that never made it to theaters, before hitting on a concept that would dominate all his his subsequent pictures. Boll discovered video games. Three video game-based movies have been released, with another in post production and at least four more in the works.

All of that is true, but none of it really gives you a sense of the man behind the lense. Uwe Boll is not a good director. Let me rephrase that. Uwe Boll is the cinema as Hitler is to the Jews. The man has apparently made it his mission to make the world's worst movies. Countless critics have observed that he does not speak the language of the cinema, but that's hardly the end of it. He doesn't seem to even speak the language of his actors. Possibly the most entertaining aspect of Boll's career is his steadfast defense of his pictures. He reads all the major film discussion websites, and, with some regularity, signs up to argue for his movies. The results are not pleasant, unless one has a taste for blood.

Boll has no fans in the traditional sense. The best compliments his films get are "so bad it's good" reviews, and comparisons to the beloved Ed Wood, long considered the worst director of all time. There doesn't seem to be anyone but Boll himself who doesn't think he should fall back on his doctorate in literate. That's right; the worst movies of the young millennium were directed by a doctor.

This is the background. Today I am going to try to write an article in support of Uwe Boll. My brief research suggests that this has never been done before. Frankly, I'm not surprised. The man is deserving of much of the criticism he's received, however there are three major points in his favor.

Point the first: His movies are profitable.

There are many people who see the cinema as an art form. I would count myself among their ranks, but one should not forget that there is another dimension to the movies, one that doesn't seem to occur to many aspiring filmmakers: the cinema is a business. Hollywood is in the business of making movies. If a movie doesn't make money it is not a success in those terms. There plenty of wonderful movies that made no money at all, which, at the end of the day, is not a good way of doing business. It's one thing to make a beautiful and moving masterpiece. It's quite another to secure financing for your next picture.

Uwe Boll is not the Picasso of 35mm. He is not the Beethoven of 35mm. Nor is he deserving of comparisons to David Lynch Sergio Leone (He has made those comparisons himself). Uwe Boll is, in short, a terrible artist. Why does he keep making movies? Because it is profitable for him to do so. It's the same reason his fellow perennial critical punching bag Michael Bay keeps churning out movies.

What separates Boll from Bay is only scale. Michael Bay has been helming summer blockbusters with budgets well past the nine digit mark. Boll's first US theatrical release, House of the Dead was made on seven million dollars and made over ten million in the US alone. Not a dramatic profit, but a noticeable one.

He's not a stupid guy, though his broken English is often enough to fool the casual listener. Take a look at this quotation on casting for BloodRayne. "They were better than actors. We looked for local Romanian actresses, but there they are all from the theater and act very broadly. For 150 euros a piece the whores would be naked and do as they were told. It was better." How's that for thinking outside the box? He got exactly what he wanted for less than many other directors would have to end up paying. Whether or not he was actually well-served by his prostitutes is open to debate; that we should praise this as shrewd moviemaking is not.

Of course the real genius of Boll's productions is that they don't have to make money to make money. German tax has a built-in loophole for films owned by German companies. The laws are such that even a movie that fails to turn a profit at the box office can be profitable to its investors. The only real cost for Boll is securing the rights to his films, and he has shrewdly gobbled up about a dozen video game properties at bargain basement prices.

There has been talk of the loophole being closed, but, at least for now, Boll still gets his tax incentive. The law has been amended to prevent American production companies from taking advantage of the tax shelter via surrogate owners (much like the minority-run businesses in America that were controlled by whites taking advantage of the system). Boll's movies are owned and produced by Germans and often even filmed in Germany. It is extremely unlikely that he'll fall off the gravy train any time in the foreseeable future.

Point the second: He has a fantastic talent for casting.

Boll has released three movies in American theatres and finished filming a fourth. Altogether they cost something in the vicinity of hundred million dollars. Every movies he's made has been universally hated by film critic and film audience alike. Yet here's a brief list of some of the star power he's been able to contract.

Burt Reynolds
Ron Perlman
Jason Statham
Ray Liotta
Jurgen Prochnow
Michael Madsen
John Rhys-Davies
Christian Slater
Academy Award-winner Ben Kingsley

Yes, that Academy Award-winning Ben Kingsley. This isn't all the big names he's secured either. I tried to highlight some of the most talented people who somehow found themselves working with the good Dr. Boll. So why are these people working with Uwe Boll, not to mention apparently doing it for less money then they could have gotten? Boll's secret is twofold. One he is said to be incredibly charismatic (it doesn't come out in any of the interviews I've seen, but a whole lot of people see it) and two, he has memory. A memory? What has a memory to do with casting? If you look closely at most of actors in the list above and the many other "big names" he's cast, you'll notice that, by and large, they are fallen stars, has-beens.

Imagine you used to be a big star commanding fat paychecks and bringing in audiences with name alone. Today you don't seem to be getting much work, and when you do it's usually just cameos. Then one day a passionate and charismatic German doctor tells you he wants you to be the star of his epic new adventure pic. Finally a chance at a comeback!

Of course it doesn't really work out that way in the end, but everywhere you turn there are more former celebrities to cast. Be honest, would you have ever been able to envision Leelee Sobieski in another movie? Of course not. We can barely remember her name, but that doesn't make her any less of a star, because, even if just barely, we do remember. As to how Jason Statham, whose career seems to be rock solid, got involved in Boll picture we have to wonder. On the other hand, the once great actor named Academy Award-winner Ben Kingsley is said to have taken the role of Kagan in BloodRayne to finally fulfill his longstanding desire to play a vampire. Congrats Benny, you did it. I don't think there's any way to retract a knighting, but if there is someone ought to look into for Sir Ben Kingsley.

Point the third: He's stated a desire to improve and shown signs of doing just that.

"Saying Uwe Boll's Alone in the Dark is better than his 2003 American debut House of the Dead is akin to praising syphilis for not being HIV." (Nicholas Schager, Slant Magazine) It is interesting to note that Schager's simile is far more appropriate than he himself seems to have recognized. To wit: HIV is incurable; syphilis is not. After watching House of the Dead one is struck by the fact that it is an unmitigated disaster. There is nothing good about it. There isn't even anything mediocre about it. It's just plain atrocious. Upon subsequent viewings it becomes clear that many of the film's problems are not due to cheap and shoddy craftsmanship, but rather to conceptual flaws. One, it is flat out impossible to make a good movie with that script. Two, Boll appears to have been trying to make an arthouse zombie flick.

What?

This is not some slapped together piece-of-shit action movie. This is actually a carefully orchestrated piece-of-shit art movie. What Boll was trying to do was trying to bring the media of video game and movie closer than they had ever been before. Think of it like Sin City.* The difference is that Sin City went about recreating the feel of the comic by translating everything to the screen as directly as possible. Nearly every panel of the comic is directly reproduced on screen. House of the Dead, on the other hand, bears no plot similarities to its predecessor. There isn't even a house for chrissakes. What there is is little to no plot or character development (a video game hallmark) coupled with a number of effects very much video game-inspired. Most obvious is Boll's use of actual in game footage during the opening credits, between scenes, and during the largest battle scene. He also makes constant use of bullet-time, and does it so as toreminiscentcent of video game cutscenes, and to top it all off, he announces each characters death with a steady image of said character as the screen fades to red. You're surprised when the movie doesn't demand that insert moremore coins.

This movie is Boll the auteur ascendant. He's being daring and not worrying so much about what people think as what will be the most interesting way to get his ideas across. Make no mistake, the movie is a colossal failure, but the intent needs to be recorded, since there was no way to save the script anyway.

After House of the Dead Boll moved on to Alone in the Dark, his syphilitic masterpiece. Alone in the Dark is also a bad movie, but it is a much better one, and one that suggests a further improvement. Gone are most of the artistic ambitions. Hstillstil trying to do neat things with bullet-time, but for the most part Boll settles down to make a commercial blockbuster. It's not a success, and he still seems fundamentally incompetent.

Unlike House though, Alone does have certifiable good points. Or rather a good point, which is the performances of its male leads, Christian Slater and Stephen Dorff. They both play arrogant posturing tough guys, but they do it right. It's all the more laudable when you consider that they did it with shitty lines, a ridiculous plot, terrible costars, and a director who doesn't seem to speak their language. Despite it all they are convincing in their one dimensional roles. That's pretty much all there is to say about Alone in the Dark: two good performances in a movie where nothing else goes right. The picture gets lost sometimes and never really makes all that much sense, but it never gets bogged down its own awfulness the way House of the Dead did. It's not a very good movie, but it could have been so, so much worse.

BloodRayne is more difficult to judge. Boll seems to have fallen into a backslide towards martisticsitc approach. He approaches the video concept from a different angle this time though. BloodRayne actually has level bosses and powerups. One reviewer scorned the movie pointedly for this conceit, but it is an interesting thought experiment. BloodRayne is an exploration of the medium of video game movies. The important thing is perhaps more the journey than the result. That is if he learns from his mistake.

BloodRayne is a step up in its action elements (the most important part of an action movie after all); the fights are more realistic feeling, the effects are better, and the staging is less ridiculous. For the first time in Boll cinema there is a segment that is genuinely cool (tempered somewhat by the realization that you're watching a level boss fight). The story also pretty much makes sense, albeit with a few exceptions here and there, and Boll has greatly expanded the scope of the picture. House of the Dead pretty much alternated between a forest and a shack, while Alone in the Dark stuck to warehouses and laboratories. BloodRayne is actually something of a sweeping epic, with a variety of distinctive feeling locales.

On the downside the acting is much worse (with the exception of Billy Zane's brief appearance), almost to House of the Dead levels, and there's a really, really silly scene that is somehow more tasteless when it isn't showing any skin. Like House of the Dead, BloodRayne labeledlled a prequel, but both movies ended up as incompatible with existing mythos as Alone in the Dark.

Uwe has given a lot of interviews in his brief time making movies for America, and unsurprisingly he's been pretty defensive about his movies. It's to be expected that you'd be protective of your babies. Yet he is willing to look for places to improve. Sure he says that he's "still happy" about Alone in the Dark and that "the only weak part...is maybe Tara Reid's acting," but he's willing also to talk about it as a learning experience. And he has learned from his failures. His pictures are improving, and he's getting more of a sense of how the cinema works. He'll never be a great director. He'll probably never qualify as a good one, but if critics are willing to judge the movies on their own merits rather than Dr. Boll's reputation I think they'll find some if not good at least acceptable ones in the coming years.

I don't know if what I've written here today has had any effect on your opinion of the good doctor Boll, or even if you knew who he was before reading this. Regardless, I think this has been a worthwhile exercise. I'll go so far as to say that I'm likely to try arguing for unpopular opinions with perhaps some degree of regularity here on Lemon Party. If you have strong feelings one way or the other you could let me know via the comment system, or then again you could choose not to.

This seems a poor note to end on, so I'll leave you with one final reason to like Uwe Boll more than you did yesterday. Here we go, straight from the horse's mouth.

"What is disappointment, disappointment for all the fans is that Tara Reid is not losing her bra but this is a typical prude U.S. err, uh, thing like uh, the actresses are not willing play nudity normally and it's very disappointing for us Europeans and for the U.S. audience I think. Good that Kristanna Loken in BloodRayne is full naked."

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*Incidentally another movie that pulled down a fantastic array of names on the cheap, most likely again due to the charisma of the director and the power of his vision. Bruce Willis's salary would have most likely been about half the total cost of the production.

Still alive and kicking

2006-01-14T23:49:00.000-05:00

That's right, even after months of inactivity we at Lemon Party are still alive and kicking. We've survived college (the first semester at least), we've survived finals, we've even survived gunshot wounds to the head. It's safe to say that we're a hearty bunch. Yet even we have our limits.

On January 9th, 2006 I had a mole removed. Said mole was located on my foot. In place of the mole are now four stitches. I'm not exactly sure what voodoo magic was used to transform a mole into a bloody hole closed by four stitches. Suffice to say doctors are not to be trusted. But that's not the point I was trying to make. The point I was trying to make is this: Moles can turn into cancer and as such are not to be trusted (just like doctors).

That's a sticky situation. However I know of an even stickier situation; it involves semen. It's a rather sticky situation. A stickier one might be fifty thousand popsicles in the hands of twenty five thousand seven-year-olds. Yet even that pales in comparison to the awesome stickiness of the sun to skin ration. Listen: You need the sun, because the sun gives you vitamin D, but too much sun causes cancer.

In case you weren't paying attention up to this point, I shall reiterate. You are covered in tiny dark spots that could cause cancer. If these things do not cause cancer, too much exposure to the sun could turn your skin into a time bomb, yet if you shut out the sun entirely you'll lack vitamin D and die (maybe, our scientists are looking into it). Shocked? I bet you'll be doubly shocked to learn that all foods were not created equal (Declaration of Independence be damned!). Even if you're eating healthily you may not be getting all of the vitamins you need. Which is why they've created pills full of vitamins. If you don't take these pills you'll get vitamin D deficiency and die.

So you're taking your pills, getting the perfect amount of sun, and gouging out your moles with a pairing knife. You're safe from cancer and vitamin D deficiency, right? WRONG! You also need to take fish pills (or eat lots of fish) otherwise you'll get Omega 3 fatty acid deficiency and die. Life is a fickle mistress. (As if there were any other sort of mistress - Odovaucer)

But even after all that I don't want you to think of this as a negative update about your body being a ticking time bomb of death. I don't want you to, after reading this, curl up in the fetal position and refuse food until life escapes your withered body. I want all of my readers to get a more positive message out of this. With all of the new knowledge you now have about your body know this: the monsters under the bed and in the closet and those that are waiting in your dreams can no longer hurt you, unless they're holding miniature suns or attempting to steal your vitamins.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Go Go Tendrils of Death!

2005-12-11T20:08:00.000-05:00

Back and forth and back and forth and where we stop nobody knows. It's rather ironic that we promise change and instead this blog stagnates. It's also ironic that I'm trying to find a knife to cut my steak with and the only clean things in my house are spoons. Such is my life. Either way I'm posting this in the hopes of sky-rocketing this blog back into its number one spot in people's hearts. Bwazhooom! That's the sound of the rocketship taking off.

I'm not exactly sure where it's going, probably somewhere in space. Or your heart. Yeah, that's what I said... we'll go with that. Right then, into your heart it flies. It should hopefully end up there barring certain variables. Like not reading Lemon Party, having a heart made of coal, or wearing a kevlar vest. It's not just a kevlar vest that could stop us, rockets have a surprisingly hard time boring through sheet rock so if you happen to live underground you're probably safe.

In fact I'm sure that if you were wearing thick enough clothes the rocket would have a hard time getting to your heart. So I will propose a solution. Sit inside your house naked with all the doors and windows open. Don't call us, we'll call you.

Bwazhooom!

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

What the Fuck is this Bullshit

2005-11-14T14:13:00.000-05:00

All right, I this is about enough of this fanciful hippie bullshit. Odavaucer, and Turtle_07, did you suddenly catch a case of High School separation anxiety? I thought that we could finally be done with all this low brow, bargain bin humor. This recent slurry of entries have merely been a recycling of an old joke you made up when you were, what, in 10^th grade? This crap must stop.

If Lemon Party is to progress to the next level- the level of witty, high class college humor, the kind that alienates 90% of the general public, is misunderstood by another 7% and will only be found by a scant 5% (if you're lucky) of the remaining 3 % of people who genuinely enjoy it (i.e. self important assholes who can only find joy in laughing at something that all of the people around them cannot understand, because in some small, sad way, they find it justifies all the time and money they are spending on an ultimately useless education).

Gentlemen, it’s time to stop pussyfooting around these problems. Start watching Frasier, and movies that were directed by people who either live on a commune in Arizona or in their mother’s basement because “no one is ready for their art”. Start reading Freud, and Kafka. Start making jokes about 12 dimensional geometry and 85 variable calculus. Start learning all the best Physics puns. Chemistry rib ticklers….

On second thought. Fuck that.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Catharsis

2005-11-11T23:59:00.001-05:00

I cannot believe that you would question even the very title of the blog. Have you no shame? Of course the title is intimately connected to the content of this place. Surely you have noticed that the tenor of the posts here is, by and large, extremely sour, much like a lemon. Also, I am truly shocked that you would deny that this has been a party. We've been doing this a long time, and admit it, you've loved every minute. Party also can be defined as merely a group of fellow wayfarers, and that we most certainly are. You and I have walked the Interwebnation Superhighway for many a day, though E-Internet Celebrity and through relative anonymity. We have been joined on our way by Carver Buns, Penguininja, Ocopud_IV, dfjawieod, and Mergatroid. All of whom were steadfast companions for their brief time with us.

It should also be noted that the origin of the term "Lemon Party" is a website that consists entirely of an image of three elderly gentlemen engaged in a very private act. Note the somewhat circular nature of that act. Haven't you often felt that what you herein wrote was similarly self-indulgent? Haven't you ever worried that what you were saying was falling on deaf ears? Yet just like our namesake we have spread ourselves across the fabric of the Internets; our mark is indelible.

With that out of the way, let us turn to turtle_07's latest violation of the Lemon Party's sacred commandments.

Oh turtle_07, will you never learn? Thou Shalt Not Use Another's Artwork to Describe Yourself. That's the fourth commandment. I know it was written a long time ago, but jeez. Gosh, that post is nearly two years old. In fact, the blog itself appears to be exactly...two years old!

In case you haven't caught on by now, what happened today was not precisely what it seemed. This epic nineteen post feud did not simply happen today. It was carefully orchestrated well in advance. We systematically went through our commandments brought them all out to play. This extravanga, conceived by Odovaucer was intended as a way to simultaneously celebrate our three hundredth post and our two year anniversary. This update is indeed our three hundredth post. Today is indeed our second aniversary. Yes, we know the earliest post is labeled September 11, 2001, but it was, in actuality, posted exactly twenty-five months later, on November 11, 2003. As if you couldn't tell it was faked.

A year ago Odovaucer posted a lengthy history of the blog. This year we wanted to spice it up a little. In the process of so doing we looked over a lot of old posts. Nearly three hundred of them, in fact. Turns out that a lot of the old stuff really isn't all that good at all. So it seems that our anniversary will also mark the beginning of what promises to be a lengthy process of housecleaning. We're definitely planning on going back into the archives and cleaning up the writing and the links, because, frankly, some of that stuff is embarassing. We've also got plans in the works for a far superior method of browsing the archives. The system we've got now is fine, if you know where to look. We didn't know where to look when we were putting together today's event, and it was a chore. We're carefully exploring a number of options, and you should probably see the fruits of those researches early next year. This in turn means that we will most likely be continuing long forgotten series like turtle_07's Guide to the Future and Odovaucer's explanation of the insidiousness of squirrels.

In the process of doing all that we may find it necessary to update our two-year-old layout. It's certainly serviceable, but perhaps we could do better. Rest assured that we won't be breaking any commandments with it. As you can see, today also marked our switchover to blogger's comment system, which may or may not last as it opens us up to a ridiculous amount of spam. It's also given us a chance to get rid of that irritating blank space that's been showing up at the beginning of all our updates.

Last year we made some New Year's resolutions. Not all of them have been met. Rest assured that there are new commandments on the way. We're also looking into Google AdSense for some time in the very near future.

Our final topic is staff. As you well know, the two of us are the only currently active Lemon Jockeys, despite a laundry list of names associated with the site. Next year we will indeed be having our annual WWTBALJ contest, and we can promise the return of not one, but two old school Lemon Jockeys this year. This was not easy folks, but here's hoping you'll be happy to see them back, and here's to another year of Lemon Party!

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.Because your blog sucks.

What's going on here anyway?

2005-11-11T23:35:00.000-05:00

And somehow it comes to this Odovaucer. I didn't think that you could stoop this low, even after all this. Somehow I don't think ::Ripping my hair out angry:: is a good enough description of what I'm feeling right now. It's as if you've lost all cognitive ability. I mean I thought on Lemon Party we used colons for what God intended them for, not some ridiculous mockery of English. Guess I was wrong, huh?

Well guess again! Odovaucer, check this out: Woahz!. Did you just see that? I told you to check something out and then I used a colon to show you what you should be checking out. Does that not blow your mind? Proper usage! HOLY FUCKING SHIT GOD DAMN GOD DAMN! In fact, I think that there's a commandment on the subject, so I thought I'd share it with you. It's number twelve: Thou Shalt Not Post Action Statements Inside Thy Blog.

And another thing, just why is it that you named your blog Lemon Party, way back in the day? It's not like it has anything to do with lemons. And it certainly has been no party. Frankly, it just doesn't seem to match up with the blog. Say, that means you're violating the eighth commadment, doesn't it? Thy Title Shalt Match Thy Blog. Yep, looks like Odovaucer broke yet another commandment. Way to go.

This entire tirade has been rather depressing, so, in light of these past events, I'll leave you with some Doors lyrics that I think pretty much sum up what I'm experiencing right now.

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again

Jim Morrison was a genius, I love the way his words just utterly express the ultimate futility of our existence.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Well It's About Time

2005-11-11T22:46:00.000-05:00

I thought it was over. I was in by my computer, patiently waiting for turtle_07 to respond to my last update. I realized that it wasn't perfect, and I knew turtle_07 would eventually call me out on its failings. ::blushes:: I mean obviously you need to punctuate and capitalize, but I was in a little bit of a rush, I suppose. ::is reflective:: I guess I should seen the others coming too, huh?

Still, it had been an hour and a half and I was starting to get worried. It had been well over an hour, and still nothing. Frankly I was getting hungry. ::stomach rumbles at the memory:: A man's got a right to eat,doesn't he? ::gets a snack:: So I figured it was over, and went off in search of sustenance. ::eats snack:: I getg back eventually, and low and behold, he's finally done it again.

The time has come to deal with turtle's latest posting abortion. ::cringes at mental image:: Once again he's violated a bevy of commandments. First up is the somewha is the infrequently cited thirty-second commandment, Thou Shalt Have No Other Blogs Before Ours. This is the most important blog on the Interwebnation Superhighway, and he should know that. I'm sure his Livejournal is very important in his life, but nothing comes before the Party. Nothing. ::shakes head authoritatively::

Within his silly little Livejournal update he managed to break two more commandments: number thirteen, Thou Shalt not Post Quizzes Representing Thyself, and number thirty-eight, Thou Shalt Not Represent Thyself With a Moronic "Userpic". ::gets mad:: Wow, this stuff is really upsetting me. ::Jumps up and down:: Come on turtle_07, obviously that picture certainly does not grant an great insight into you as a person, and when you claim otherwise you come off as pompous and naive. As to the quizzes, well...::laughs:: do you really think that anyone cares which type of movie some kid's quiz says you are? Even if those things were scientifically formulated to give accurate results (which they aren't) it still wouldn't mean anything. I mean, what possible use could knowing what sort of movie you are have? ::is completely befuddled:: Whatever dude, enjoy crazy land.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

WHY DOESN'T ODOVAUCER STOP?

2005-11-11T20:51:00.000-05:00

Yeah, so it took me a while to get this one out. It's not my fault though! I was busy updating my livejournal, and then I discovered what Odovaucer had done. Seriously dude is proper punctuation (Commandment Thirty-One) and capitalization (Commandment Five) too much to ask?

Actually, I don't really want this to be that short, so here are some quizzes I just took. They're pretty cool.

Oh and check this little guy out:

Is that not totally me? It's so my new userpic. I think everyone who reads my lj from now on will be able to get inside my head much easily thanks to that little guy. Anyways like I said not much time to do this, hope you all enjoy the quizzes... I did.

You scored as The Amazing Spider-Man. After being bitten by a radioactive spider, Peter Parker was transformed from a nerdy high school student into New York's greatest hero. Peter enjoys the thrill of being a super hero, but he struggles with the burdens of leading a double life. He hopes someday to win the heart of his true love Mary Jane, the woman he's loved since before he even liked girls. Right now, he just wants to make it through college and pay his bills.

The Amazing Spider-Man

63%

Maximus

58%

Lara Croft

58%

The Terminator

54%

Neo, the "One"

54%

Captain Jack Sparrow

50%

El Zorro

50%

Batman, the Dark Knight

50%

James Bond, Agent 007

50%

William Wallace

46%

Indiana Jones

29%

Which Action Hero Would You Be? v. 2.0
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Denile. you are in denile, you know your breaking but dont want to admit it, you may have incredible hatred for yourself,and you know it and a part of you doesnt want 2 admit it.

Denile

80%

no hope

80%

popularity

60%

Happy Chappy

20%

Social Outcast

20%

how much do you hate you???
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Romantic Comedy. Congratulations, you�re a romantic comedy. You and bubblegum have a whole lot in common. You�re fun, easily amused and quite possibly a bit of a hopeless romantic. You also think that Hugh Grant is the greatest actor ever. In your opinion everything will always turn out great and the only question in your mind is just how great it will be. Also, and this is by no means a value judgment on my part and I could be wrong, although I hope I�m not, you�re probably a 14 year old girl.

Romantic Comedy

75%

Epic Fantasy

50%

Foreign

50%

Epic Drama

45%

Bad movie

40%

Action

40%

What type of movie are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

Oh, and it seems Odovaucer undid my template changes again. Here's a taste of what the site used to look like. You'll want to run the Picard Song in the background to get the full effect, well that and imagine that Jesuses (Jesi?) are moving to the grooving.

He rolled back all but one of my changes. Seems he kind of likes not having a half page of empty space at the beginning of each update. Who'da thunk it?

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

oh mine eyes mine eyes

2005-11-11T18:05:00.000-05:00

so once there was a man named turtle_07 who hated freedom. why he hated freedom i dont know but he certainly hated it. he hated america too. neither of these things are really relevant to the discussion at hand. what is relevant to the discussion is the fact that turtle is once again violating commandments left and right

first weve got the twenty second commandment thou shalt not add useless javascript frills i think that thats pretty much self explanatory. you dont distract the reader from your content with pointless add ons like the picard song and a dancing jesus background. keep it simple stupid.

this is so important that turtle wrote a second update about it in much harsher terms. the twenty fifth commandment thou shalt not stuff thy pasty face full of useless javascript code because it looks 'kewl'

you just. dont. do it. it really shouldnt be that complicated. why would you write two commandments on the same subject and then break them both. its just pathetic. oh wait he didnt write two commandments on the subject. he wrote three.

thou shalt not add music to thine blog

thats commandment twenty seven. again authored by turtle again broken by turtle. and this used to be a respected poster. ill be fixing the template shortly. this certainly will not stand.

remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

You Try English for Fun and Profit

2005-11-11T17:25:00.000-05:00

The stress is definitely getting to Odovaucer. I don't think anyone can deny that at this point. So apparently he posted the last update in French. Why, I have no idea. I took time out of my very busy schedule to translate it for you. I shouldn't have.

Hello again, my favorite audience. Unfortunately, turtle_07 east still cause the very bad things. Fortunately I will be obliged to correct here its misunderstandings. For an unknown reason it seems that turtle_07 swellings that that posting chatlogs in the Lemon Party is acceptable. This is not. The fifteenth order is very clear on this question: You Will not Post the Chatlogs. The usage of chatlogs is simply lazy, and chatlogs are not interests for the audience.

I am, nevertheless, entertained this turtle_07 have not anyone that it can speak with of me that cares for to listen it. That is because the hearts of the people are with me. Go now, turtle_07!

And recall the leader to light, for fear that we forget the glory that is lemon Party. Because your blog is horrendous.

Look at that. It's semi-literate. He should have stuck to English. As if he needed more resaon to, there's also the twenty-fourth commandment, Thou Shalt not Post Thy Blog in a Foreign Language. Yes, even fractured French counts as a foreign language. Way to go Odovaucer

Well, while he was off learning how to speak French poorly, I rubbed a little funk on the template. One might even say that I injected it with awesome. Enjoy, kids.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Le Chatlogs

2005-11-11T16:13:00.000-05:00

Bonjour encore, mon auditoire préféré. Malheureusement, turtle_07 est font encore les très mauvaises choses. Heureusement je serai obligé corriger ici ses malentendus. Pour une raison inconnue il semble que turtle_07 croient que cela postant chatlogs dans le Parti de Citron est acceptable. Ce n'est pas. Le quinzième commandement est très clair sur cette question: Tu ne Posterez pas les Chatlogs. L'usage de chatlogs est simplement paresseux, et chatlogs ne sont pas intéresse pour l'auditoire.

Je suis, cependant, a amusé cette turtle_07 n'ont personne qui il peut parler à de moi qui soigne l'écouter. Cela est parce que les coeurs des gens sont avec moi. Se rendre maintenant, turtle_07 !

Et rappeler le dirigeant allumer, de peur que nous oublions la gloire qui est Parti de citron. Parce que votre blog est épouvantable.

How many must die?

2005-11-11T15:40:00.000-05:00

I wasn't going to respond but, seeing as I wrote pretty much everything I was thinking in my conversation with my friend, I figure I'll just post that.

[15:15] DeathsGrimFacade: You there?
[15:15] Coleslaw8989: Yeah, what's going on?
[15:15] DeathsGrimFacade: not much, reading lemon party
[15:15] Coleslaw8989: good shit... well not lately
[15:15] DeathsGrimFacade: fuck you
[15:16] Coleslaw8989: I say that because I love
[15:16] DeathsGrimFacade: fuck you
[15:16] Coleslaw8989: :(
[15:16] DeathsGrimFacade: kidding dude, you seeing what Odovaucer's doing?
[15:17] Coleslaw8989: no
[15:17] DeathsGrimFacade: he got into this fight with me and now he' s rambling on about his insane ideas
[15:18] Coleslaw8989: no!
[15:18] DeathsGrimFacade: yes
[15:19] DeathsGrimFacade: something about translucotion or something, i don't know
[15:19] Coleslaw8989: NO!
[15:19] DeathsGrimFacade: fuck you
[15:19] Coleslaw8989: geez sorry
[15:20] DeathsGrimFacade: don't worry about it, either way it's fucking creepy... I thIn Odovaucers lost it
[15:20] Coleslaw8989: I know!... well not relaly
[15:20] DeathsGrimFacade: shit man he's become everything we swore to hate
[15:21] Coleslaw8989: you swore to hate things?
[15:21] DeathsGrimFacade: you know what I mean
[15:21] Coleslaw8989: do I?
[15:22] DeathsGrimFacade: jesus fuck you
[15:23] DeathsGrimFacade: he broke two commandments man
[15:24] Coleslaw8989: okay...
[15:24] 26 http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004/02/set-sail-for-fun.html
[15:25] and 29 http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004/02/i-typed-this-title-with-just-my.html
[15:26] Coleslaw8989: I really dont care
[15:27] Coleslaw8989: to be perfectly honest
[15:27] DeathsGrimFacade: I guess I should respond
[15:28] DeathsGrimFacade: doing it now... brb

Oh, and it seems like Odovaucer has undone my improvements in addition to posting his stupid ideas, so here is ascreenshot of happier days.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

The Truth

2005-11-11T15:10:00.000-05:00

What in the world are you doing turtle_07? That is quite possibly the silliest piece of Interwebnation Superhighway guerrilla warfare I have ever seen. What possible purpose could making the blog unreadable possibly serve? I mean, obviously it's a blatant violation of the nineteenth commandment, Thou Shalt Make Thy Blog Readable, but to what ends? What purpose does it serve?

It almost seems as if you're trying to break commandments. I've changed the template back because, well, that was just silly. Don't do it again, or there will be repercussions, mark my words.

With that taken care of, let us move on to your criticism of my poetry. Well, I can't say I'm surprised. My poetry is a representation of the ineffable wonder of my plans for the future of the human race, and, as such, it is itself pretty difficult to eff. Read and learn!

The truth has long been held secret from people of the world, but now, only now, can we begin the laborious process of enlightenment. Oh yes, it is time. Look back the poetry. Notice the fluidity of the narration. The source of each line is often different from the one before it, and you can never be quite certain of the speaker. So to is the human mind. Created for a higher purpose, or merely involved into complexity, it is a device whose true meaning has never been experimentally proven by scientists.

Instead it is through philosophy that we can approach the true meaning of that great mystery inside your cranium. Where do your ideas come from? Do they spontaneously develop inside your brain or are they caused by outside stimuli? Are some people more capable of coming up with creative concepts than others? Why is Bill Gates so rich? All these have eluded you for far too long, but worry not, the answers are arriving.

The human brain itself is incapable of original thought. Yet humans are constantly producing new ideas. Why is this? A principle I like to call "transelocution." The details are far beyond the understanding of laymen, but roughly it is a process by which synapses are induced into growing in unnatural patterns by a subsonic vibration that is constantly present in our atmosphere. The frequency radiates many times in a second, but I have not yet been able to pin down its source. These new synapses are completely unrelated to their predecessors; new ideas are formed when your brain tries to relate these strange new formations to your prior mental geography. It goes without saying that this signal is not of human origin. Perhaps the most fascinating aspect of this discovery is that initial tests seem to indicate that the brain chemistries of certain African tribes and their descendants are the most susceptible to transelocution, while Caucasians are perhaps the least receptive. It would seem that vanilla has been left in the cold. Hopefully the poems will be enough to enrich your understanding now.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

It continues!

2005-11-11T14:24:00.000-05:00

EDIT: BEHOLD MY WRATH

My god Odovaucer, have you really sunk so low? Your descent into madness was steeper than I ever could have imagined. You've lost any semblance of sanity and delved into a world few day go. The world of poetry. Have you forgotten the ninth commandment? Thou Shalt Not Post Poetry. Seems plenty clear to me. I don't even understand what you're trying to do there. It's madness... complete and total madness.

Instead of writing about a tree that once bit your dog or some shit like that, you need to just stop writing entirely. Get a hold of yourself man, do you even realize what you're doing to the blog? Or even what the blog is doing to you? It's as if you just don't care anymore... that or you're channeling the spirit of a couple of our crazier subjects.

What makes you think you have the right to turn our beloved blog into some sort of ungodly poetry showcase anyway? Thou Shalt Keep Thy Blog a Blog. Twenty-ninth commandment. Learn it, live it, love it.

Regardless, this madness must stop. Stand down Odovaucer ,or I shall the very template of this blog.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Try English, for Fun and Profit!

2005-11-11T13:52:00.000-05:00

What was that even supposed to mean? I'm really not sure what's going on in that update. Well, that's not entirely accurate. I can figure that you're calling me out for violating one of our more obscure commandments. Fine, whatever, but I think you should pay a little more attention to commandment number two, thou shalt not write unintelligibly. Christ, that just sickens me. I don't even want to think about it anymore. You can't just make up words, you know! We're going to have to change things up now. I can't take this "baka" crap anymore, we need to do something else, and I know just how to pass the time: poetry!

Blue Vanilla

Blue Vanilla is the only way
Because of the bumps in my brainy brain.
No that is a lie. Why are you lying in my poem?
Is it because I slept with another man?
I am sorry.
He means nothing to me.

The Mountain

I have climbed the mountain,
Surpassed the jelly rolls,
Frosty peaks and green growths,
Scaled the inky genes
In the mouth of the great octopus
That lives within us all.
I have climbed the mountain,
Unzipped the stretched jeans
To reveal the dark crevasse below,
Plunging into the raging sea.
Release
SPLURT.

Dead Ducks for Stew

Dread drucks fror strew
Dtead dtucks ftor sttew
Dfead dfucks ffor stfew
Dqead dqucks fqor stqew
Intelligent Design.
Taste the sweet meat
of the afterlife’s loins.

Tobin Bell

Tobin Bell is my favorite actor.
He is my favorite actor because he is man.
Women make terrible actors.

Qwerty
Qwertyuiopa
What does that mean?
I don’t know
There’s tumor in my brain.
Fappo!

The Ghetto

There are black people in the ghetto.
We shall speak of it no more.

I’m Scared

There’s a man with an axe
I’m not scared though
Because he’s just in my brain,
And there is nothing dangerous in my brain
Because I am retarded.

I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream

…

Once I Built a Railroad

Now I am really poor
It is not good being poor
Because I have no monies
Buddy can you spare a dime?
Actually maybe more because I cannot buy anything with a dime because of inflation.

My First Poem In English

This is my first poem in English
I speak sign language.

Have You Ever Done That

Have you ever done that?
Because that’s really dumb.
Your mom’s dumb.
No, your mom’s dumb.
Oh snap.

Can You Get Your Hand Out Of There

No.

Indra

Hello, I am Indra.
Hello.

Next Poem

This is the next poem.
Or is it?

I PUT THEM IN THE BLENDER

AND I EATS THEM BY THE SPOONFUL
And that is how to be respectful to women.

Sara has a fake ID

No she doesn’t.
That is illegal,
And college students do not break the law.

Why Do You Smell Like That?

Because I have not showered since the Civil War.
And that wasn’t a shower it was my best friend’s blood.
I am very old.

Are We Here or Under a Large Black Man

We are here.
That is a silly question.
And it doesn’t have a question mark.
Fear the large black ass of humanity.
Wait, what?

Get Out From Under That Sheep

It is too big you will get hurt.
Go after the dog, she is more your size,
And she is dead so you will not have to hold her still.

Wise Black People

Are rare.
That is why I prefer foolish black people.
They are medium well.

Tobin Bell

Actually we already had a poem about him.
Let’s move on.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

O.D.O.V.A.U.C.E.R. is a L.O.S.E.R.

2005-11-11T12:45:00.000-05:00

Oh ho ho ho ho, it appears that our dear good friend The Odovaucer still has some fight in him. He continues with this petty charade like any baka would. He continues on with his ranting and raving and after each update that he makes I lose more of the respect that I, turtle_07 the almighty me, held for him. Along with the respect that I'm losing I also begin to wonder if he's also losing something; his mind. It's almost as if his account had been h4xx0r3d and some youthful phreak was writing his ubdates for him. Has college life made him descend into crazyhood where it's alright to ignore all the super kawaii commandments we once held dear?

There was a time, not very long ago, when Odovaucer-san was totally 1337 and would kill a man simply for utilizing an acronym within a ten mile radius of him. He had keen ears and a knife as sharp as a katana (I loves me katanas), but it seems from this last update that he just doesn't respect moi or the blog anymore. He wrote acronym after acronym in some ironical dance of death where the only thing that dies is my love of him (secret inside joke that we have, don't ask). Either way, using acronyms in a serious update ain't cool. We're talking fizzzourteenth cizzmandmizzent not cool. Thou Shalt Not Use Excessive Acronyms.

Seriously, no, stop it. You're writing like some sort of blogging n00b. No more of this, you've screwed up for the last time Odovaucer, it's over, it's done, and it's finished. For once in your life just walk away before you fuxx yourself over more so than you already have. That's it, that's all I have to say. Can we get back to normalcy now?

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

This is Getting Ridiculous

2005-11-11T12:15:00.000-05:00

At this point I have to start wondering if I am in fact arguing with a ten-year-old. IIRC there's something on our books that he flagrantly ignored. Let's see, he clearly broke the Twenty-first commandment, thou shalt fix thy obvious misspellings (which you wrote), and OMG, it looks like he himself wrote a second, redundant commandment, thou shalt take the time to spell important sentences correctly, commandment number thirty-five. WTF. IMHO we certainly didn't need two commandments to get people to spell correctly, but obviously I was mistaken. Take a look at this abomination that showed up on the radar this morning. I've TTLO of putting the spelling errors in large red letters.

I don't kno about oyu but this sounds an awful lot liek your breaking another commandment.

One sentence, four spelling errors. ROFLMAO. Not only has he written two commandments specifically against this sort of behavior, but he also has myriad methods of fixing his mistakes right at his fingertips.

Right here on blogger we have a reasonably serviceable spell checker. It's admittedly imperfect (AFAIK there are no perfect spell checkers), but it does pick out the majority of your misspellings (and a fair number of things that aren't), even if its suggestions aren't always that helpful.

Even if he wasn't aware of blogger's spell checker (which he is), he could still use MSW's superior spelling and grammar checker or any of a slew and half of free online spell checkers. Yet he didn't bother. Criminal.

gg turtle_07, gg.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

This is Getting Rediculous

2005-11-11T11:28:00.000-05:00

What the hell hapened their? We were arguing nad you jsut went and fuckin left? I mean I relize that it was getting late but jesus man! When your in hte middle of something importent do you just get up and leave? I now that being an ashole takes a lot out of oyu but come on now man, going to sleep in hte middle of this? I thought for a moment u had ended you're own life because I was saying mean things about you.

I don't kno about oyu but this sounds an awful lot liek your breaking another commandment. Remember when you said "Thou shalt not start thy blog and leave it berft and adrigft?" I dunno, it might have bean here. Yeah, well the thign is is that you did. You just got up and letf. Maybe in bizzarro world thats a ok thing to do but hear it aint gonna fly. Plus ur breaking teh thirteenth commandment: For thou shalt accept the critisisms of thy readers for tehy are smarter than thee, by stil not following comandment number nineteen. We life in a world of rules and regulations Odovaucer and let's be honst here; You aint following em.

Its kinda sad to se emy friend who used to be so mightey mocking the interent miscreaents reduced to such a sorry state. Every post you make is just diging you deeper into a hole of sadness. I'm pretty damn close to just ditching the blog entirly, how the mighty have fallan... oh how the mighty have fallen.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Wolves Can Smell Weakness

2005-11-11T10:11:00.000-05:00

And here I thought we were having a good-natured battle of words. I thought there were two equally matched literary titans, veritable linguistic dreadnoughts, fighting each other to an epic standstill.

I was wrong. Mea culpa, I was wrong. It turns out that only one of is really worthy of that effusive praise, and it is not turtle_07. turtle_07 is apparently a coward and a slackard, too lazy to put together a proper retort. How long do you think he even spent churning out that piece of fluff? I would say that he is unlikely to have passed the threshold set by the thirty-third commandment: Thou Shalt Put More Than Two Minutes Into Thine Updates. The two minute mark was intended as figurative language, but I'm really not sure he even managed to meet its literal requirements. It goes without saying that you also broke commandment number sixteen, Thou Shalt Post Entries of Reasonable Length.

I think I'm having difficult conveying just how all-around pathetic that update was. I mean, he didn't even name the commandment his was citing. Acting out of a sense of fair play that must be completely foreign to the likes of turtle_07, I looked up the commandment in question. Turns out his beef was over the nineteenth commandment, Thou Shalt Not Use Ellipses Instead of Regular Punctuation. Well guess what turtle?...I'm going to ignore you because you couldn't be bothered to put together a half-decent post...I probably wouldn't have listened to him anyway because he's a fool, but whatever...

Wait, there's more....turtle_07 in fact broke four commandments in that last assault against the morale fibre of our world. Well how do you like that? The fourteenth commandment clearly states that thou shalt not sign thy entry when it is easily apparent who is updating....I think it's pretty clear who was updating, don't you? Especially the damn thing already handily lists the author's name at the bottom of the update.

Thou Shalt End Thy Entry Correctly is our thirtieth commandment...and does it look like turtle_07 observed it this morning? Here...let me quote him for you:

Next time you want to end your blog entry, try thinking of it less like an IM conversation, and more like essay. Give us something other than "I HAVE NO TIME TO UPDATE BUT I WILL UPDATE ANYWAY OH NO MOMS CALLING TTYL!!!" Sheesh you people make me sick.

Jesus Christ, turtle_07. Jesus Christ. Not only did he fail to bring his piece to a coherent close, but he also left out the single most iconic element of this blog. Perhaps you've noticed that, at the end of every update, we post the same two sentences. It's a way of reminding us of our roots, of our raison d'etre, of our place in the Interwebnation Superhighway...and he left it off. He left off the classic Lemon Party tagline. This is unforgivable even in a Down Syndrome patient...Here let me show you the way things ought to be around here.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

You do this just to piss me off don't you?

2005-11-11T02:21:00.000-05:00

Look, I'm sorry I was so angry (I wasn't/still am not feeling too hot) but Jesus man, don't post updates drunk or high or whatever. I could barely understand what you were saying and even with all of my ranting about not breaking commandments you still broke another commandment! What's... this shit... Seriously... what... SEE?

Fuck you, fuck this, I need to use the bathroom so turtle_07 out.

Oh, it's On

2005-11-11T02:13:00.000-05:00

I'm really not sure how to take this...You certainly appear to be biting the very hand that feeds you. I mean, Christ, what could possibly compel you to do something like that? Never mind that you're posting a second update the same day. Wait...let's take a look at that, shall we? When was that ever okay? Jesus Christ, we have few enough updates as it, and you go and waste space on a Friday? Is there any good reason why this couldn't wait until Monday?...And that's assuming that it deserves an update at all. I really don't think you needed to take this off the comments page...I'm not even sure it needed to go there.

I mean, so you've got a complaint with my latest post. Fantastic. The thing was sitting on the blogger dashboard for a couple days now, and you didn't say anything then....You didn't say anything when it could have helped....You could have discussed it with me personally beforehand, or you could have even edited your comments into the thing itself long before it saw print.

So why didn't you? Either you've developed some sort of vendetta against me and just have to try to trash me in public, or you just wanted the attention, or...you haven't even logged into blogger this week. Something tells me that that's what's going on here. After all, it's not like you're supposed to be a contributing member of the blog or anything. It's not like you expressed as much disdain for all our disappearing Lemon Jockeys as I did. It isn't as if you have time to write regular updates.

Wait...it is just like that, isn't it? You have the time, you have the responsibility...and you are a hypocrite. And speaking of hypocrisy...Did you even think about the implications of your post before you made it? I think not, you lazy bastard.

You go and criticize me for allegedly breaking a commandment, but you also go and break one in the process! Ever hear of "Thou Shalt Not Overuse Emoticons?" Commandment number seven, motherfucker! Yeah, that's right...not such a big man now, eh? How does it feel to be a hypocrite?

Why should I even have to tell you this? This should really just be common sense...who can't tell that your post looks ridiculous with all those cutesy little faces? Answer me that one in the comments, folks. Do you think turtle_07 is a ridiculous hypocrite...and that emoticons should not be used in serious discussion? Sound off...

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Hi Jamie

2005-11-11T00:50:00.000-05:00

To make this post all the more poignant I'd like to illustrate it with pictures taken from The Awful Forums.

First off Odovaucer:

I'm certain that a great many of you wonder why I posted that image. Why I am so exasperated that I felt the need to express it in the form a tiny face who just so happens to be exasperated. Why I'm so . Well, I'll tell you: Odovaucer has done the biggest no-no in our blog's history. He has fished for compliments, which as you all should know is a rather large .

I mean seriously, what the hell are you trying to pull here? Maybe you've forgotten our illustrious history, maybe our readers have forgotten our illustrious history. Hell, maybe I'm making up our illustrious history, but that doesn't make what you did right ! Does "Thou Shalt Not Fish For Compliments" mean anything to you? Odovaucer in his finite wisdom has somehow broken our first commandment, commandment numero uno, or even ich bin ein Berliner if that's how you like to fly. He's gone against everything we ever stood for and has made a mockery of The Party .

I mean Jesus, we've gone how long without you doing this? It really makes me want to right now. I mean the very first commandment that you ever wrote and you just go ahead and ruin it. I was feeling pretty bad up until this point but this just takes the cake. I don't care if it's on the internet for everyone to see, egad man, what have you done?

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Cellars of IMDb: Cary Elwes is the Best Damn Robin Hood You'll Ever See

2005-11-11T00:01:00.000-05:00

Last week we left off with Dave Chappelle's feature film debut, 1993's Robin Hood: Men in Tights, which, I assume no one read since there were no comments. Today we'll look at the greatest Robin Hood ever to grace the silver screen, Cary Elwes.

Why is Cary Elwes the greatest Robin Hood ever to grace the silver screen? Unlike some Robin Hoods, he can speak with an English accent. Sheer talent also played something of a part in his triumph as the prince of thieves. Certainly Errol Flynn may have a somewhat more storied career, but honestly, the man spent twenty-five years playing himself before keeling over. Like Elwes, however, those classic looks went a long way towards establishing his career.

For Cary Elwes the story begins in London. A young man by the name of Ivan Simon Cary-Elwes is born to a family tree containing a number of prominent clergymen and is even an altar boy for a time. Somehow he managed to escape that upbringing and ended up at Sarah Lawrence in New York, where he studied acting and cinema for a time. He never graduated, instead leaving to pursue a career in the pictures. Strangely enough this seems to have worked out in his favor. From the very first step his career seemed a steady progression toward greatness. Each acclaimed role led to another.

His first true role* was in the acclaimed Another Country.

Another Country is the story of Guy Bennet (Rupert Everett), an unapologetic homosexual trying to get by in a 1930's British public school. Bennet is based on a real character, Guy Burgess, who goes on to become a Soviet spy with a fantastic degree of success before eventually escaping to the Soviet Union where he would live out the rest of his days. Colin Firth, in his film debut, plays Guy's mentor in Marxism and fellow outcast of the British public school system. Interestingly both men (and Daniel Day-Lewis) played the role of Bennet in stage productions of Another Country. Cary Elwes takes on the part of James Harcourt, the object of Bennet's passionate love.

On the strength of that performance, Trevor Nunn, director of the Royal Shakespeare Company for nearly twenty years, selected him to be Guilford Dudley, the male lead in 1986's Lady Jane.

The film, now all but forgotten, brought Cary and his costar, the ever unattractive Helena Bonham Carter, rave reviews. Another historically based story, Lady Jane presents a rather contrived romance blossoming between Guilford Dudley and Lady Jane Grey, two exceedingly well-connected youths (children really, Dudley is spoiled playboy, Grey is fifteen years old and acts it) arranged into marriage. Their parents had hoped their machinations would put the young couple on the throne, but this is British history: it's apt to end in blood. Though there is little evidence to suggest that the couple actually fell in love (it's not particularly likely that they even consummated the marriage), Elwes and Carter are passionate and wholly convincing.

So convincing that director Rob Reiner immediately cast him in The Princess Bride, released the next year.

His first shot at comedy, Elwes is a resounding success. The Princess Bride is that rare movie that is really and truly impossible for anyone to dislike. At once a swashbuckling fantasy adventure, a paean to true love, an entertaining comedy, a cute family picture, and all the gradations between. In light of this it is truly remarkable that Cary Elwes manages to make a hugely lasting impression as what could have been something of a generic love interest.

Robin Wright makes little to no lasting impression as his one true love, Buttercup, although Buttercup is admittedly a far less juicy character. The problem with these central roles is that they often find themselves standing back as the character come out to play as comic relief and steal the limelight away for good. Veteran performers Wallace Shawn and Billy Crystal both turn in unforgettable performances, while the professional wrestler Andre the Giant served as the film's heart, and singer Mandy Patinkin is now inextricably bound to the most famous line of the film, "My name is Inigo Montoya. You killed my father. Prepare to die."

Surrounded by the strength of these actors having the time of their lives it is simplicity itself to recede into nothing but a pretty straight man. Elwes plays farmboy Westley with style and panache and perfect comic timing. Even in his darkest moments Westley is engaging and a pleasure to watch.

If you see one of this week's movies make it this one, make it this one. This is Cary Elwes' finest moment and it stands up to Reiner's previous shining moments, the original mockumentary This is Spinal Tap and the previously featured Stand by Me.

After The Princess Bride we don't see many more leading roles. Sure, the success of that film led directly to his appearance in the aforementioned Robin Hood: Men in Tights, but instead, for the most part, Elwes found himself far more in demand for roles of varying degrees of villainy. For the most part, Elwes' roles in the nineties have played on his charming accent and boyish good looks in one way or another.

Quite frequently he shows up as "the competition," either in straight-up testosterone-fueled dick-waving in Hot Shots

Or as romantic competition (the leads of these films tend to be lacking in the boyish good looks and charming accent departments).

Twister

Liar, Liar

The rest of the time his looks and his accent served as counterpoint to his nefarious character. It showed up innocently enough in the mediocre Comic Book Villains and the wildly popular Ella Enchanted.

He played undeniable villains in these films, but they were of the charming, somewhat bumbling sort.

Likewise his character in Saw was no villain, but a character of questionable appeal nonetheless.**

Far more often he has been seen pairing his innocent face with truly loathsome personalities. From a petty gang leader in Leather Jackets to bigoted officers in Glory and The Jungle Book to truly monstrous characters in The Riverman and Kiss the Girls.

There is another theme running through Cary Elwes' career completely independent of the roles. Elwes' love of history is the thread that binds his career together. Looking back over his career we see a profusion of period pieces (some historical some less so) primarily dealing with the medieval period, but stretching well up into the twentieth century (he's slated to play the young Pope John Paul II in the the upcoming biopic). Having studied film in college, he has also shown a predilection for portraying historical filmmakers; he's stepped behind the camera while on camera in four separate films, most notably Shadow of the Vampire as Fritz Wagner. Shadow of the Vampire is presented as a look behind the scenes at the production of the classic horror film Nosferatu. The film supposes that Max Schreck, the mysterious dancehall actor hired to play the title role, was so haunting acting as a vampire because he was not, in fact, acting. It is difficult to imagine just how overjoyed Elwes, a student of the German Expressionist movement in film, must have been to work on this particular project, though his performance is all but forgotten in the wake of Willem Dafoe's Oscar-nominated performance as the literally blood-thirsty Max Schreck.

And that concludes another Cellars of IMDb and another week here at Lemon Party. If you have any ideas as to which actors to look into in the future feel free to comment. Or if you simply enjoyed this series or this particular update I'll be glad to hear from you. I'm not expecting much, though. I know it's hard for you guys to take the thirty seconds to leave a message.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*He and his brother appeared briefly in Yesterday's Hero

**I'd like to take a moment to discuss Saw, which is the sort of film that got very sharp reactions, whether they were positive or negative. In truth the film is deserving of both reactions. For a film produced in eighteen days (filmed in six) on a shoestring budget, it is a truly fantastic film. That's obviously a cop-out though. Taken at face value the movie has some problems.

Actually it has one problem, the final reel. Saw is a horror-thriller with, you guessed it, a twist at the end. The problem is that twist doesn't actually make any sense when you stop to think about it. In the last five minutes most of the plot comes tumbling down like a house of cards. Some of the problems are merely of implausibility, which certainly detract from the experience but can be dealt with. Plenty of impossible things happen as well, and this yet another movie where the cops through common sense and procedure out the window for plot purposes. The acting is also frequently called out as well, which is unsurprising considering that the majority of the scenes were filmed in a single take. Actually the acting is more than acceptable. Every choice is made very consciously and often what seems like poor acting is on the part of the character rather than the actor. The problem with the acting is, in a certain sense, a problem of acting too well. Cary Elwes in particular portrays his character in a way that, while technically realistic and entirely possible, is at moments so aggressively different from the way the audience becomes accustomed to seeing him that it becomes ludicrous.

The film has also been derided for certain plot similarities to numerous other films, most notably, Se7en. Yes, Saw is a film about a psychotic serial killer. Yes, that topic has been covered before. Yes, there are plot similarities to Se7en. All these things are true, but Saw takes a new spin on archetype that I myself have never seen before. Jigsaw, the killer, is a far more remarkable sort of villain than Se7en's John Doe, although Se7en really is a much better picture. It's tempting to go into greater detail here, but Saw is a film worth watching. The premise is entertaining and mildly thought-provoking, the story is paced well and develops excellently into an explosive climax of just the right sort: there are enough clues along the way that you could have figured the twist out, but still you succumbed to the picture's grasp. A moment or two later you'll look back the implications of that twist and cringe, but for most of the ride one ought to be satisfied.

This is the Thirty-Fourth Biannual Nudeist Colony and Barbeque

2005-11-09T23:43:00.000-05:00

Today I am publishing a "Nudeist Colony." This is the formerly weekly feature that shows off some of the more interesting paths readers took to reach this particular blog. As usual, all referrer logs are of English-speaking Americans using Windows and Internet Explorer, unless otherwise indicated.

Thu Sep 29 22:07:55 2005
pcp0012292423pcs.panamc01.fl.comcast.net
68.59.73.62
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.comcast.net/qry/websearch?cmd=qry&safe=on&query=nudeism&x=18&y=5

In the last Nudeist Colony, I provided an incorrect definition of nudeist. Though I thought was giving you a definition of nudeist,it was actually the definition of chimera. I apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

In reality, nudeism is the most popular arcade game of all time. The premise is simple: Two players each receive a set of four pads arranged in a cross in front of video screen. Speakers blast loud dance music, and a series of arrows crawls up the screen. When each arrow reaches it's dock the players must step on the associated pad. The more accurate one's timing the more points one scores. At the end of the song the player with more points is victorious. There are innumerable versions of nudeism, and a number of copycat competitors.

The game is most popular among teenagers of a somewhat unsavory persuasion. That is to say that it is the only exercise and social activity available to many of the various groups of youths dressed primarily in black. Punk, Goth, scene, Otaku, whatever you label yourself, if you're a nudeism player you are, without doubt, a big, sweaty dork.

Sat Oct 1 12:34:32 2005
12-218-55-138.client.mchsi.com
12.218.55.138
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005/02/twenty-third-annual-nudeist-colony.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?ei=utf-8&fr=slv1-adbe&p=aliens having sex pictures

I make one ill-advised reference to Japanese artwork, and suddenly I'm on all sorts of unsavory lists. Maybe, just maybe, this search was made in jest. Yes, perhaps it was nothing but a satirical jab at the disgusting morass of perversity that is the Internet. Would that I could believe that, would that I could.

Sat Oct 22 18:12:52 2005
user-142g16u.cable.mindspring.com
72.40.4.222
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeism pics&fr=FP-tab-web-t-303&toggle=1&cop=&ei=UTF-8

Hopefully this guy was operating under a misapprehension. Knowing what you now do about nudeism, would you really want to see pictures of it in action? I think not. Yet this particular Mindspring user went through a couple of pages of our archives apparently in search of just that.

Sun Oct 23 23:26:59 2005
66-52-139-249.oak.mcn.org
66.52.139.249
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_08_01_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=furries porn pics&prssweb=Search&ei=UTF-8&fl=0&xargs=0&pstart=1&fr

A moment ago I was discussing how disturbing it is that anyone would have a desire to see pictures of nudeism. You remember, yes? That was nothing. This is a search for erotic images of people in animal suits. People in animal suits. Having sex. Pictures. We don't have any. I tell you that in every single Nudeist Colony, but you keep coming back, hoping for your fursuit erotica. Why? Why? WHY!?

Mon Oct 24 10:51:12 2005
Netscape 5
pool-70-16-48-34.syr.east.verizon.net
70.16.48.34
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.altavista.com/image/results?itag=ody&q=furries&kgs=1&kls=0&stq=80

I always have mixed feelings about Nudeist Colonies. When I discuss these topics I get scream at all the creepy folks who find their way here, and, hopefully, mildly entertain my more mainstream readers. However, every time I publish words like "nudeist," "furry," and "porn" I bring ever more sickos to my humble blog. It's a vicious cycle, and it is worrying away at my sanity. Surely there must be some way I can profit from the perverts.

Sat Oct 29 14:00:33 2005
English (United Kingdom)
popl-cache-5.server.ntli.net
62.255.64.8
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.msn.co.uk/results.aspx?FORM=MSNH&CP=1252&q=nudeist camps

So now they have camps for nudeists? Are these summer camps for the younger set of sweaty gamers to while away their lazy summer days, or are they perhaps internment camps? They could even be death camps. Phone your senator; someone out there is systematically murdering smelly nerds!

Sat Oct 29 12:42:50 2005
pool-70-106-140-200.chi.dsl-w.verizon.net
70.106.140.200
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=family nudeist&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&cop=&ei

Ah, the eternal question: can a nudeist have a family? It really comes down to a question of nature versus nurture. Are they nudeists because they play nudeism, or do they play nudeism because they are nudeists? In the case of the former it is impossible for a nudeist to have a family because that family will immediately disown him or her when they discover what their child does. In the latter case it is indeed possible for a nudeist have a family, but only a latent nudeist, one who has not yet discovered his or her passion for the dance.

Sat Oct 29 19:30:30 2005
ip68-6-235-116.sd.sd.cox.net
68.6.235.116
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_13_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?ei=utf-8&fr=slv1-&p=pictures of twelve year olds having sex

On the bright side, there is no mention here of nudeism or nudeists. See, there really is a silver lining to every dark cloud. The dark cloud is of course the sad fact that my site is a shining beacon to pederasts. We still don't have pictures of twelve year olds having sex. We don't have pictures of anyone having sex. We keep it clean for the kiddies, not for the kiddie lovers.

Sun Oct 30 12:02:11 2005
pcp0010442536pcs.sabrna01.az.comcast.net
69.139.217.90
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_13_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.parseek.com/search/?q=sex 12-17 year old picturs&start=1

Well you've at least got to hand it to the last guy for knowing what he wants. This one can't decide what he really wants. Yeah, he likes the twelve-year-old booty just like his predecessor, but he's willing to go for anything as long as it isn't legal. That's what's truly peculiar. To tell the truth, there really isn't that great a deal of difference in appearance between a seventeen-year-old and an eighteen-year-old. Trust me on this one, I've been both. The only difference is legality. A twelve-year-old however, is markedly different in appearance. This suggests that this fellow doesn't even care what he's looking at as long as he think he's getting away with something. It makes me sick, not so much that he's looking for nudie pics of little children as that he doesn't even care what he sees. Come on man, find something specific to be passionate about. Illegal porn is an awfully big category.

Sun Oct 30 13:53:06 2005
pcp08487311pcs.phnixv01.pa.comcast.net
68.81.154.141
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com
http://www.parseek.com/search/?q=sex 12-17 year old picturs

Exact same search, exact same search engine, but this time it's from Phoenix, Pennsylvania rather than Sabrina, Arizona. It's not legal there either.

Actually, if you want to get technical, he's looking for picturs, not pictures, and I'm pretty sure there's no law against having "picturs" of twelve- to seventeen-year-olds having sex. It's also interesting to note this person is apparently located in Arizona, but is using a Persian search engine. One should hope that this throws up all sorts of red flags at the Department of Homeland Security. On the other hand that would probably that this site is being watched as well. That is so my excuse next time I don't feel like updating. Sorry guys, but I was in Guantanamo.

Sun Oct 30 16:58:22 2005
netblock-66-159-228-110.dslextreme.com
66.159.228.110
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_08_22_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=stripteasing videos&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-tab-img-t-216&fl=0&x=wrt

Isn't it peculiar how a search for stripteasing videos now seems so mundane? After the what we've been through it's only to be expecting. No, we don't have what this fellow's looking for either. What we have here is just couple of guys who have become very, very bitter about the Internet.

But hey, cheer up, Cellars of IMDb #10 foes live on Friday at exactly 12:01 AM Eastern Standard Time. That's just barely over twenty-four hours. Be there, or be without immediate access to the best Cellars yet.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Cellars of IMDb: Dave Chappelle is Quite Happy in South Africa, Thank You Very Much

2005-11-04T23:57:00.000-05:00

Yes, it's Friday again. Today is that special day, the last day of the work week, the first day of the weekend. It is a night of debauchery or relaxation or, in my case, writing.* Because it is on Friday's that I post the Cellars of IDMb, my time to share with you, my gently readers, my abiding passion for far too many Hollywood actors of middling repute. Last week we left of with the vastly underappreciated Mos Def, and this week we begin anew with the somewhat oversaturated Dave Chappelle.

Dave Chappelle was the king of the world. His sketch comedy show on Comedy Central, the aptly titled Chappelle's Show produced two hugely popular seasons in 2003 and 2004.

Chappelle's salary for the next two seasons was an unprecedented fifty million dollars. It seemed you couldn't go anywhere without there being somebody there to scream, "I'm Rick James, bitch!" in your face.

Myriad other instantly memorable characters populated Chappelle's racially-charged critically-acclaimed show, most of which were Chappelle in various wigs.

Sure it was fun for awhile, but Chappelle just couldn't take the pressure and dissappeared from a taping for Season three in mid-May. Eventually it came out that he had run away to South Africa on a spiritual retreat (he's been a Muslim for a couple years now). He vehemently denies all rumors of crack addiction andmental breakdown. Regardless he's gone back to his roots and has begun a slow but steady stand-up tour.

So that's the rise and fall and subsequent rise of Dave Chappelle, but that's not really what we're after is it? Before Chappelle's Show took him into the stratosphere Chappelle had a solid film career. Most recently he provided comic relief in the ostensibly comedic Undercover Brother. Before that he turned in entertaining, albeit brief, performances in a number of otherwise unassuming pictures, including Blue Streak, 200 Cigarettes.

Chappelle has had, to date, one chance at the cinematic limelight, starring in a picture he himself wrote with Neil Brennan (who would go on to also help write much of Chappelle's Show) and produced: the charming Half Baked.

1998's Half Baked is an epic stoner oddyssey, and a surrisingly sturdy film, all things considered. The highlights are, however, the cameo appearances by such notables as Tommy Chong, Bob Saget, and Jon Stewart.

Before Half Baked Chappelle found his way into a number of movies including the ambitious Con Air, the highly popular The Nutty Professor, and the vastly underrated Joe's Apartment (albeit as nothing more than one of many loud-mouthed cockroaches).

To some though Dave Chappelle will be best remembered for his feature film debut a scant thirteen years ago: Ahchoo in Mel Brooks' instant classic Robin Hood: Men in Tights.

The film, not particularly popular with critics, was classic Brooks and gave the up-and-coming stand-up Chappelle plenty of room to showcase his growing talents in a brand of cinematic humor sadly absent from the theaters of today. And on that sad note I must leave for another weekend of whatever it is I do over weekends.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*This system may have to go. I'm going to try getting ahead on these in the future. That means that next week's Cellars is going to go live at 12:01 AM, and that is my promise to you, gentle reader.

Alas poor Yorick

2005-11-01T00:30:00.000-05:00

Ladies and gentlemen I welcome you back to another exciting update of our very humble blog. Today's update will be slightly different from previous updates. Rather than say something nonsensical or make a nonsensical jab at Odovaucer I'll be writing about something real and something very close to me. Not about me, no, that would be going against everything we stand for. Instead I shall be writing about the dining hall at the college that I just so happen to attend.

This story, like so many before it starts at the beginning and somehow moves on from there. Enter September first two thousand and five. A young fresh faced boy (Authors note: That boy was me) had just arrived at what was to be his new home for the next year: Drew University. Drew had a homey charm, a haunted campus, and most importantly (to this story at least) a dining hall.

Enter said dining hall, granter of foodstuffs and creator of cookies. That's right, cookies. Oatmeal raisin, chocolate chip, sugar, peanut butter, and those really terrible ones with the nuts that no one eats. Yes, cookies. Oh yes, cookies.

Artist's interpretation

And because of that for a while everything was A-OK.

Artist's interpretation

But then a dark time overtook the noble dining hall.

Artist's interpretation

You see, under the guise of adding a more delicious dessert selection the unbelievers removed cookies from our little dining hall. (No! - Odovaucer) For over three days our hero roamed that dining hall's empty rooms searching for a basket that might once again hold his beloved cookies and for three days the heretics mocked the true believer.

Artist's interpretation

On the fourth day our hero returned again to find that his vigilance had paid off. Inside the familiar basket were many, many delicious treasures. Too many to count in fact, but in his heart he knew that he required only one. But all sad tales have sad endings. The cookie was hard and brittle, not soft and chewie and pleasing to his taste.

Artist's interpretation

Moral of the story: All of the Keebler elves were crushed by large slices of poor quality cake.

Artist's interpretation

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Gather 'round the fire children

2005-10-31T12:26:00.000-05:00

The transmission should be coming through loud and clear now. If not, try adjusting your set for better reception.

Why is tonight different from all other nights? On all other nights we log onto the Interwebnation Superhighway and read Lemon Party, but tonight we dress up in strange costumes and knock on people's doors demanding candy or party hearty in our peculiar outfits.

The answer, my child, is that tonight is Halloween. Halloween, that pagan festival that corrupts our children's minds with pagan imagery and corrupts their bodies with disgusting sugary confections. Ah yes, Halloween.

It wasn't always like this though. No, no, Halloween was once a bittersweet emotional day, not the saccharine sweet perversion we endure today. You see, the name "Halloween" is a corruption of "Hollow In," which in turn was a truncation of "Hollow Inside." Many years ago Hollow Inside, the annual festival of the jelly donuts, happened every October thirty-first. Hollow Inside was an acknowledgement of the bleakness of man's life. Occurring just at the onset of winter, the darkest and dreariest time of the year Hollow Inside was an explicit reference to the emptiness of our existences. Without purpose man was truly hollow inside.

Why then the costumes and the jelly donuts if it was such a bleak holiday? Well Hollow Inside was both an acknowledgement of that emptiness and also a chance to begin to remedy that predicament. Everyone in town would assume the identity that he or she thought might be a role that could bring meaning into his or her life. It was a chance to experiment, a rebirth into a new caste, a new life. Jelly donuts came to symbolize this duality. Traditional donuts are, of course, completely empty on the inside. They are without center, without core, without anchoring to this mortal coil. They are symbols of our lives, they are symbolic of unenlightened man. The jelly donut is the subversion of this paradigm. Where once there was but emptiness now there is sweet fruit filling. Gay colors swirl out of the region once nothing more than a great void.

Not everyone found happiness on the fest of Hollow Inside, but there was always next year to try again. Over time the festival lost its significance in the eyes of the people, and the traditional foods and costumes lost out to modern replacements. Now we ate highly processed candies and dress in ludicrous and fanciful costumes, representing things we would never hope to be. Halloween is an empty mockery of Hollow Inside, and, to add insult to injury, what was celebration of hard-working Christians has become associated with paganism and witchcraft.

And that is the story of Halloween, my child. So if you go out trick or treating on this Halloween or a future October thirty-first, remember that the creepy guy down the street who always offers you homemade jelly donuts isn't a convicted child molester; he's just a man who understands the true meaning of Halloween.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Cellars of IMDb: Mos Def Acts and Raps But Does Not Model Swimwear

2005-10-28T23:59:00.000-04:00

Mos Def (ne Dante Terrell Smith) is a hugely talented performer with a burgeoning acting career and a reputation as one of the most important rappers of the last twenty years. He's had major roles in two recent summer blockbusters and a number of critically acclaimed roles in smaller pictures. Yet he is still something of an unknown.

Last week we left off at The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, so there we shall begin.

Def plays Ford Prefect, a sort of interstellar Zagat writer, who finds himself stuck on the rather rustic planet of Earth, which is about fifteen minutes from its destruction.

Ford, like everything in the movie, is larger than life and more than a little silly, which is something of a shift from a career highlighted by understated performances and underground hip-hop. Still, though Ford is played in broad strokes, he is still one of the most grounded of the film's characters. As the dimwitted President of the Galaxy, a diabolical cult leader, and a clinically depressed robot grab for the audiences attention Ford serves as strong, comparatively quiet center for the film.

The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy was the capstone to a stupendous 2004 for Mos Def. While filming THGTTG The Woodsman hit theatres, Something the Lord Made aired on HBO, and released his sophomore album, Grammy-nominated The New Danger.

The New Danger was critically acclaimed and is difficult to characterize briefly. Ostensibly a hip-hop album it has elements of various styles of rock and roll, as well as clear reggae and soul influences, among others.

Def's performance as Vivien Thomas alongside Alan Rickman's Alfred Blalock in Something the Lord Made netted him an Emmy nomination, and finally some attention on his acting career. The picture, a true story of breakthroughs in heart surgery and the constant struggle with racism, is heart-warming (Get it, heart-warming?) and powerful. Mos Def's performance is quietly moving; Thomas's great inner strength is always just below the surface.

The Woodsman was not widely released, but was leagues better than the overwhelming majority of 2004's other films. Its popularity waslimitedd however by its minimal release and its difficult themes. Thee film follows Walter (Kevin Bacon), who has just been released from prison after twelve years. Walter is quiet and withdrawn from those he meets and eventually it is revealed that he was imprisoned for molesting little girls. Despite the immediate visceral reaction against him for his pedophilia, Walter is an easy character to get behind. Everybody who sees this picture is rooting for him to get his life back on track and to atone for his past sins. Mos Def's performance as Walter's parole officer, Sgt. Lucas, plays an integral part in the development of that sympathy.

Sgt. Lucas hardly ever raises his voice past a croon barely louder than a whisper, and it is more powerful than the barking of any stereotypical police interrogator. Mos Def only appears for three scenes of total length not more than fifteen minutes, but Sgt. Lucas dominates the screen so effectively that the audience is hardly aware of the brevity of his appearances. Lucas's uncaring hostility for his charge is chillingly cold, and we are never sure how much he knows and how much is his supposition.

2003's The Italian Job was Def's first shot at a major role, albeit a supporting one. He was the only actor who managed to perform his role (that of demolitions expert and comic relief man Left Ear) as well as the Mini Coopers did theirs. Somehow that disaster has a sequel in the works.

2002 saw Mos Def's Broadway debut in Topdog/Underdog, which in turn led to a Obie Award-winning turn in an off-Broadway production of Fucking A. Both were written by Suzan Lori Parks and directed by George Wolf.

Def previously turned in memorable, though minor performances in Monster's Ball (2001) and Spike Lee's Bamboozled (2000),as well as a number of lessnoteworthyy roles in much less noteworthy movies.

In 1999 he releases his long-awaited debut solo LP, Black on Both Sides. Rap once again could have a message.

In the two years prior he built up an underground reputationprimarilyy on the strength of his 1997 single "Universal Magnetic" and his collaboration with Talib Kweli, known as Black Star.

Mos Def has also hosted Def Poetry and performed sketch comedy on the Lyricist Lounge Show and Chappelle's Show.

Tune in next week when I write more things and then post them on the Internet.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

The Holy Trinity

2005-10-27T23:48:00.000-04:00

Today we'll be looking at blogs. You do remember blogs, right? We'll briefly examine three weblogs on three different sites.

First off we have the aptly titled Heratarded.blogspot.com. That is to say her name is Hera and she is retarded. She's also 20 (or at least whenever she wrote that part. The thing is over a year old, so who knows). She's a Christian. She's a singer. She's a fourth year architecture student, and -get this- she's "crazy with a capital C." Isn't that just precious? No, that's no typo, she didn't capitalize the "c" in crazy. I'm sure it was ironic comment on today's pharmaceutical-obsessed culture.

No I'm not. I think she's retarded. Not that there's anything wrong with being retarded, mind you. It's a perfectly valid lifestyle choice. As an exercise in self-loathing I am going to analyze her most recent post and discuss its most glaring flaws. I will do so as if I were directly addressing her because it's more abrasive that way.

1. You fails to capitalize the first words of sentences or the word "I." You do, however, capitalize most proper nouns. Try consistency.

2. I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe that you created your nieces and younger cousins, therefore I cannot accept that you were their creator.

3. I'm sorry, but I refuse to believe that you taught your nieces and younger cousins how to live with their mutant powers. In fact I find it highly unlikely that they even have mutant powers. Therefore I cannot accept that you were their "Professor X."

4. You didn't fit in with the kids your age so tagged along with older kids. No one else has ever felt superior to her peers. No one. I especially like how you talk about "belonging" to the teens at age eleven and subsequently to the adults at age seventeen. In attempting to make yourself look cool and mature you come as a pet and a plaything.

5. That's creepy.

6. That's really creepy. You then discuss being "courted" by various much older men. No else has ever been hit on by an older guy. Younger girls are certainly not easier, and even if they were no one would be so crass as to take advantage of them.

7. God did work in the latter part of your high school life. God expends exactly the same amount of work at all times. No matter what sort of religion you follow, a directly intervening God is paradoxical and implausible.

8. I have no idea what "FAITHFACTOR" is. I really don't want to, because I'm pretty sure it has something to do with your religion, which I hear may be some sect of Christianity. Just capitalize respectfully.

9. Don't use all eight of your exclamation points in the last two paragraphs.

10. Don't switch into shorthand after an ellipses. If that part was written separately it should be a separate entry. If it was altogether it should have a transition and be written in the same style as the first section.

None of those are really shocking or nonsensical complaints. They're all hopefully the things you were thinking when you read the thing. Of you read thing. I guess there wasn't any reason to; I tend to do that part for you. Do you read the linked pages? Answer in the comments, I guess. Or don't. I've had plenty of time to learn not expect much reaction. It's alright though, I seem to write these things regardless of outside stimulus or lack thereof.

We'll table the lachrymose rambling for a fortnight or so. For now, let's move on to door number two, also known as Livejournal.com/users/sasabear. Apparently the blog is named after a children's book and a Hammer film or a Jesse McCartney song and a Blues Traveler album. My guess is the latter. Sarah Sadovsky, who lists her name, birthdate, and location prominently in her blog's right column, confides in us, her friends, the travails of her day. Let's look closely now. Oh my, this post is flawed! Please, allow me to chide you on your shortcomings.

1. How does one forget grammar in a year? It is the framework, the very backbone of both written and spoken English. A school-based paper is not the only reason to use appropriate grammar. You should, in fact, almost always use proper grammar, or at least a fair approximation thereof so people like me can't make fun of you publicly like this.

2. Please, please, please be consistent with your punctuation, and limit yourself when it comes to exclamation marks. After a certain point they lose a great deal of their potency. Ten per post is well past that limit.

3. I really doubt that anyone in the world needed to know that you put gas in your car. I mean really. I think that's really something of a no-brainer. I have used the word "really" in every sentence of this paragraph. Really.

4. Queen is band. That's a group of people who perform music together. A band cannot be gay. Not even the band the Village People is gay. The Village People is not sexually attracted to other bands, even though ever member of the band was homosexual. Queen, on the other hand, was composed primarily of heterosexuals. Of the four members only Freddie Mercury showed any interest in same-sex relations, and he was technically bisexual, and of course he is very dead today, so any reference to the poor fellow should be in the past tense.

Long story short: Queen is not gay, and Sarah Sadovsky is dumb, but apparently not as ignorant as her peers. Chilling thought, that. Now for number three, Xanga.com/Edward_Raff. Edward Raff is, one would think, writing in style one might consider tongue in cheek. This however is an incorrect assumption. The task before me is a monumental one, so I have wisely opted to allow you to come to your own conclusions as to what is wrong with the post I have reproduced, in its entirety, below. I feel dirty reading it, and I fear I have corrupted my beloved Lemon Party simply by posting such filth here. Alas the deed is done.

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Why do poeple think they are better then me beacue they no one thing that i dont? I dont know hebrew, and the Jewishreligon that well. I cant argue about hebrew, becaue it is memorizing, but in jewish calsses, just becasue i KNOW how to ask a question, from a religously unbiost veiw, dosnt mean im stupid, it means i have a broder range of thought than you. Just becaue i dont acept things because the torah says so, dosent mean im ignorant; it means i question and search for the truth.

I have grown up learning how to think, not to know. By thinking i discover, and thus know more. By knowing more, my mind becomes clear on more things, and i can make decision that are right the first time. I dont need to sue a pencile in math, i know im right, i almost always am. I need a pencil in the subjects that i LEARN. I dont need your second rate colledge diploma to prove my intelect, ill prove you wrong twice over and show you every logical way to do it right. I wish people, could just learn that i, am , not normal. Dont think of me as on of your statistic teenagers, im above that. im not on ur damned line charts, and pie graphs. Dont treat me like abother pice of dehrdrated meat on an production line. I need something diffrent, something more....

Feel free to discuss via comments. Or commit suicide. Via comments.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Cellars of IMDb: Sam Rockwell is Talented But Not a Mr. Ripley

2005-10-21T23:59:00.000-04:00

It's been awhile since we've had one of these. Far too long. Last time I left you with what was hopefully a tantalizingly peculiar image.

Hopefully you were able to deduce that this is a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and, specifically, Donatello (my personal favorite). Who in this movie could possibly be of interest? Well, if you've read the title of this update you'll probably know his name. He is Sam Rockwell.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle was only Rockwell's second film role, and he played the somewhat unglamorous role of "Head Thug." There were better things to come.
Well, primarily there were more small-time crook roles, including:

Jack and His Friends
Light Sleeper
Basquiat

He managed to move up a little bit in the underworld ranks in Matchstick Men as conman Nicolas Cage's talented protege. One of the few films in which he didn't manage to steal too many scenes from his costars. The frenetically OCD Cage is always the focus, and Rockwell is the perfect foil, happy-go-lucky and never so over-the-top as to steal focus. He's also stepped up his extra-legal roles in a less whimsical (but more critically acclaimed) sort of way.

The Green Mile, yet another Stephen King adaptation, is the story of a group of death row inmates and their guards. Sam Rockwell is distinctive as one of the more psychotic inmates.

He manages to be monstrous and grotesque in every way, a marked contrast to most of his roles as unexpectedly charming ne'er-do-wells. His most critically-acclaimed role for instance, that of Trent in Lawn Dogs starring opposite an adorable ten-year-old Mischa Barton.

His award-winning turn as the white trash landscaper befriended by his wealthy clients' daughter opened doors for Rockwell. Two years later in 1999 he appeared prominently and memorably in the dramatic The Green Mile and the comedy Galaxy Quest.

Galaxy Quest, a send-up of Star Trek and its obsessive fans (trekkies), featured Rockwell as fan-turned-typical-generic-expendable-last-nameless-character. Indeed his character as know merely as "Guy" for the majority of the film.

Somehow his paranoid mewling manages to turn the stereotypical meat-shield into one of the most memorable performances of the film. If you've been following this series you're probably at least a little bit of a nerd. It's just the sort of people who like movies and the Internet. That means you've probably had some contact with Star Trek, which in turn means that this movie will bring to mind all those questions you had about the old show and its more devoted fans.

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

As always Rockwell shines, but in a leading role now. He plays Chuck Barris, host of classic gaming show The Gong Show. The thing that distinguishes the real-life Barris from the host of other TV hosts is that he claimed to be a CIA assassin.

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind takes him at his word. Rockwell perfectly captures the dichotomies of Barris's alleged double life in George Clooney's otherwise uneven directorial debut.

Rockwell's best known performance by far is his turn as Zaphod Beeblebrox in The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.

Critics were lukewarm to it, and in truth the film has its problems. None of those problems were Sam Rockwell. Our subject is glorious as the really quite dim President of the Galaxy. The character's delightful stupidity and arrogance send the movie zipping across the known galaxy, wacky hijinks unsurprisingly ensuing at every turn.

Besides, how could you not love that face?

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Touched by an Angel

2005-10-20T23:57:00.000-04:00

Hello, and welcome back to another exciting edition of "turtle_07 posts a post after not posting for a long time, but he promises to post again post haste". Or as we say in the inter-world "TPAPANPFALTBHPTPAPH." Yeah, fucking sweet. In case you've all missed the last couple months of our lives (and the previous edition of this post), I'm at college now. It's a commonly held belief that Odovaucer is also at college, but we can't really be sure of that. I mean is there any mathematical or scientific way to prove that Odovaucer is in fact at college? I propose to you, humble readers of our humble blog, that Odovaucer does not, in fact, exist.

(Myself, I'm somewhat ambivalent on this subject to tell the truth - Odovaucer)

Has anyone ever really seen Odovaucer? Is there mathematical proof that he exists? Scientific tests that we can do? Why do we never see a picture of him at his Facebook account? I mean sure, you could look at his so-called "posts" and his so-called "Facebook account" and say something like "Ye unfaithful, look upon his works and tremble," and you'd be right... but only partially. (I don't think an imperative sentence can really be right or wrong, but I think we can figure out what he's driving at here - Odovaucer) I mean sure we've seen signs of his work, but there's no way of knowing if they're actually his or some elaborate prank.

Face it, you nuts, he's not real. Sure you'll go on ranting about how I'm wrong and start citing his Cellars of IMDb updates and talk about how there's no other rational explanation for their existence and that they certainly didn't evolve from lesser updates. The sad fact is that if you nuts ACTUALLY read the updates that your so-called "Odovaucer" was putting out you'd see just how they evolve into his IMDb updates, but no, you crazies only read the posts that you want to read and ignore everything else. Face it, whoever's playing this Odovaucer is good... but there's none of this "impossible that such posts could have come into being otherwise" shit.

Furthermore, I don't see how believing in Odovaucer helps at all if you don't actually follow his updates. Sure you talk all big about how Odovaucer says this, and Odovaucer recognizes Brendan Fraser as a cool actor (Tall actor, actually - Odovaucer, reacting pedantically to his existence being questioned) but you don't follow his laws of updating your blogs. No! You read what you want to read and then you condemn me for not following Odovaucer's so-called "code." First off you fuckers aren't even following the blogging commandments and second off your so-called "code" is cobbled together from an elaborate prank involving the Internet Movie Database and some actors that some random prick thinks are cool. Jesus, just get over yourselves already. Alright? THANK YOU.

I'm sorry you all had to sit through that, but it's been on my mind for a while.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Cellars of IMDb: Corey Feldman is No Longer Addicted to Heroin

2005-09-30T23:59:00.000-04:00

Hiya kids, it's time to get meet another Hollywood freakshow. This week we're going to deal with a young actor named Corey Feldman. Normally I tend to get rather excited in my heartfelt outwellings of praise. Not so this week. You see, no writer, not I, not Homer, not Shakespeare, not Hemingway, no one can sing Corey Feldman's praises better than Corey Feldman himself. From IMDb's quotes page:

"I'm more than an actor. I'm an icon, an industry."

"I was famous before I knew my own name."

Now there is some truth to these statements. Feldman does not quite qualify as an industry, but he is an icon. He wasn't exactly famous before he knew is own name, but he did begin his acting career at the age of three, and by the end of the 80's he was one of the two biggest teen stars in the world. It is possible that he was famous while he did not know his name, considering his heroin problem that culminated in an arrest in the early nineties, but that was certainly not before he knew his name.

Today he's probably most recognizable as either the moody ex-child star on the first season of Vh1's Surreal Life

or as the adorable bratty Mouth in The Goonies.

The Goonies typified his early Hollywood work: smart alecky little brats.

He got out of commercials and into television in the late 70's with roles in The Bad News Bears and Mork and Mindy.

In 1981 he had a minor role in the animated The Fox and the Hound, but didn't grace the silver screen again until 1984, when he had a leading role in the thankfully forgotten Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter and a minor part in the cult classic Gremlins.

The next year was The Goonies and another terrible Friday the 13th sequel, and the year after brought us Rob Reiner's timeless Stand By Me.

A classic coming-of-age tale, Stand By Me follows four boys (Wil Wheaton, the late River Phoenix, the aforementioned Feldman, and a surprisingly Rubenesque eleven-year-old Jerry O'Connell in his first movie role) as they travel cross country in search of the missing body of a local boy. The boys are forced to contend with a rival group of older boys led by Kiefer Sutherland.

Stand By Me is one of those movies that is somehow greater than the sum of its parts, and all its parts are very strong on their own. Phoenix is the only one of the boys to achieve any sort of critical acclaim outside this picture; the others are roundly panned at every turn, and O'Connell is the only one to produce any noteworthy work in this millennium, none of which was well received. Yet somehow Reiner somehow evoked arresting portrayals out of all of them, and managed to weave the performers, the story, and the very setting together into a tapestry of nostalgia. If you see one Corey Feldman movie, make it this.

Stand By Me was the apex of our subject's career, he jumped the shark with next year's The Lost Boys.

The Lost Boys was a tight mixture of horror and black comedy, and was the beginning of the Corey Feldman/Corey Haim partnership which would last through seven movies of ever decreasing popularity and artistic merit.

None of their collaborations could really be considered bearable to a modern audience, but the two quickly became the highest paid teen stars of the 80's on the backs of these things, but the most recent of these were straight to video numbers, as were most of both Coreys' projects.

1987's The Lost Boys
1988's License to Drive
1989's Dream a Little Dream
1992's Blown Away
1994's Last Resort
1995's Dream a Little Dream 2
1996's Busted (directed by the Feldster himself!)

As Feldman's fame quickly spiraled away he found himself addicted to heroin,

forging questionable friendships,

and taking advantage of whatever TV guest star opportunities he could get, including, but not limited to:

Sliders

Son of the Beach

Greg the Bunny

All that aside, his primary duty in the 90's was in his role as Rock God and lead singer of the aptly named Corey Feldman Band.

I would call him an ironic rock star much in the vein of William Shatner, but there's a fundamental difference. Shatner we know he gets it, that he's in on the joke. We're completely certain of it, but still there's this nagging doubt that maybe, just maybe, he still believes in himself. With Feldman there is no doubt in anyone's mind that he really does think of himself as a talented rock and roll star. He isn't. He really, really isn't. There are mp3s out there if you're curious, but let me tell you now, it isn't worth it.

There's really only worthwhile thing Corey's done since the 80's. He provided the voice of a character I greatly respect.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Thirty-Three Nudeists in a Barrel Are not as Much Fun as a Barrel that Is Full of Monkeys

2005-09-29T23:59:00.000-04:00

Today's Nudeist Colony is dedicated to the hookah. This Nudeist Colony, like all Nudeist Colonies, contains a number of listings. Each entry contains the actual data of an Internet browser who stopped by our illustrious website. As usual I have given date, time, resolved domain, IP address, the page viewed, and the page the reader was referred from. All users are assumed to be English-speaking Americans using Windows and IExplore unless otherwise indicated. My comments follow each entry.

It's been a while since we've done this, but I haven't kept up with the referrer logs these long dark months, so don't expect the best Nudeist Colony ever.

Thu Sep 15 01:49:18 2005
Netscape 5 186-147-222-203.rev.techex.net.au
203.222.147.186
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005/02/if-you-had-twenty-three-nudeists-and.html
http://www.technorati.com/search/D%26D

One little argument about Dungeons and Dragons, and suddenly it becomes a hot button search topic. Ironically they turn up previous Nudeist Colony entries about previous searches for "D&D" rather the actual debate. One day perhaps I shall be writing a Nudeist Colony about someone came here to this Nudeist Colony about that Nudeist Colony about those posts about role-playing games. How delightfully recursive.

Thu Sep 15 08:46:22 2005
pool-71-241-43-90.nrflva.east.verizon.net
71.241.43.90
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeist colony&btn=Yahoo%21 Search&tab=Web&fr=my-vert-web-top

To figure out what a nudeist colony is, one must first establish what a nudeist is. Last time I mistakenly gave the definition for Death Star and not nudeist. My humblest apologies. A nudeist is actually a beast from Greek mythology. It is a fearsome monster with a serpent for a tail, breathed fire, and had both a lion head and a goat head. Luckily it was slain by Bellerophon and Pegasus. The term "nudeist" is also used metaphorically to mean either an irrational fear or an unrealistic scheme, a castle in the clouds, if you will.

A nudeist colony is therefore most likely either a doomed effort at colonization or a community of monsters.

Thu Sep 15 09:02:15 2005
24.115.169.48.res-cmts.dan.ptd.net
24.115.169.48
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://searchresults.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=advancedFind.results&websearch=1&spotId= 1

So it appears we've broken onto Myspace, which is only appropriate since Myspace has long since broken onto our pages. Strangely enough I am unable to ascertain how this fellow made that leap from their pages to ours. At this writing there are zero links from Myspace to Lemon Party. Apparently our fan lost his taste for us, or shut down his account, or who knows what else. Regardless, I think we may yet have another shot at that market. I think we may be revisiting the subject soon in fact. Stay tuned, etc.

Fri Sep 16 11:49:52 2005
Netscape 5
207-105-82-139.ded.pacbell.net
207.105.82.139
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005/02/newd-22.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=Nudeist Camps&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&cop=&ei=

I suspect a Nudeist Camp is rather similar to a Nudeist colony, except perhaps a bit more playful and lighthearted. I imagine they tell ghost stories and go on hikes and that sort of thing. It's a probably a lot of fun for some of the little tykes, but absolutely miserable for others, even though their parents keep sending them back year after year to suffer the same tortures again and again because Daddy doesn't love me. Sob.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

This is the Modern Way

2005-09-23T18:54:00.000-04:00

Hi there. Welcome to the show. Today I’m going to make a grievous mistake for your edification and enjoyment. Yes, there will be pictures.

Take a look at the screen in front of you. On it you will see words and images, no? In fact it should look something like this:

You may notice that in the upper right-hand corner there resides a button labeled “NEXT BLOG.” Perhaps you’ve investigated this button yourself, but perhaps not. Essentially what it does is redirect your browser to another blog hosted on Blogspot.

You could go find yourself reading just about anything with just the click of a button. At least that’s the theory. Let’s take a look at what actually happens.

Ignoring that image for the moment, let’s be impulsive and click away. Our first result is a little number called The Conway.

She capitalized every word. Every single fucking word. I tried to read it, but couldn’t manage to slog through the entire wasteland of pointless capitalizations and stream-of-consciousness stupidity. My advice is to try using transitions and think about spacing. No ellipses don’t count as either….In fact most bloggers should probably just not use the ellipsis at all. The vast majority of the usages I’ve seen have been completely wrong-headed and utterly counter-productive. If you’re not retarded you should be able to use the device properly, but do not for a moment assume that you qualify for that distinction.

She also has dozens of fashion photographs with inspid little comments, and apparently a collaborator who seems to be the entire target audience of each post and does not actually contribute anything herself. Whatever. Obviously there’s nothing worthwhile, and I wish mightily that I had not come here. So of course the obvious choice is to hit NEXT BLOG again.

Oh great, a naked baby. I needed this. Really, I did. This family has chronicled the little brat’s entire existence, starting from damn near fucking conception, on the Internet. For anyone to see thanks to that handy handy NEXT BLOG button. They’re presenting his virginal ass to an Interwebnation Superhighway full of pederasts. Great planning there, folks. Seriously, can’t you use regular photo hosting for your self-indulgent obsession? I’ll admit the little fucker’s cute in some of the picture, but not everyone wants to see your two years of constant baby photography. Jesus, read a book, watch a movie, I don’t care, just do something else. For once.

AGAIN!

Apparently there really are people too stupid to get join the army, but luckily there’s still hope that they can forcibly remove themselves from the gene pool for God and country. Damn, I love the Internet. I’m also glad to know that reading Macbeth will help me join the army. Cuz I sure as hell can’t think of any other reason to read it.

One. More. Time!

Oh well. Seems a little strange that he would have English language advertisements in his Spanish language blog. Whatever.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Wolves in rearview mirror may be more rabid than they actually appear

2005-09-19T18:18:00.000-04:00

Have you ever been chased by wild (possibly rabid) wolves through a forest for a good ten minutes only to discover that they were actually wild and rabid dogs? If you have then you'd know what my entire life has been like. Well, actually, to be totally honest not my entire life. Just last Tuesday when I was chased through the woods by what appeared to be wild wolves who turned out to just be rabid dogs. Stupid I know but everyone makes a mistake now and again.

To be totally honest I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. One of them was ignoring this very fine and very not dead blog. I even had this whole "we're not yet dead" update planned (and partially written) until I lost interest and decided I'd finish it later. Well, in case you can’t tell by now later will never come and you'll never get a chance to read what could very well have been the greatest update in our short existence (or very easily the worst). Which got me thinking: why do I ditch updates anyway? I mean I have a good deal of them sitting in the Lemon Party vault that will never see the light of day. Either half done or just no longer relevant (I thought that bashing Nixon would never go out of style... Odovaucer put me in my place) these updates sit and stew in their own filth until such a day when the great purging comes. As that day has not yet come, I invite you all to read my first ever clip show. Today's episode: Broken Dreams.

Our first little clip comes from 7/23/2004. Titled "Guide to Yourself" this was my way of lashing out at those people who always "get tired of arguing" because "they're right" or some other such rubbish. Oh yeah, it was also my way of striking out at Odovaucer for being a really mean person :( .

In case you can read Odovaucer has gotten increasingly bitter. No really, he has. Just read his two updates and all of his comments. Attacking me with bitter jabs of bitterness and then (after I misread his update) he goes and misreads my comments, where he goes and automatically assume that I was defending DND. I would continue on but hell, let's keep our personal feelings out of it (even if Odovaucer is a big doo doo head).

Take That Odovaucer! My amazing wit and eloquent writing style strike again!

That's not the entire update, it was pretty long and hell, we're not here to make you read four updates in one, we're here to... I don't know. Party hard?

Moving on, we have a touching and heartfelt update from 7/30/2004 entitled "The continuing story of Peru." There was a chance that we may have had to get rid of one of my dogs (Peru, duh). In my update I wanted to outline how much I loved her and what her life had been like. Luckily nothing bad happened and that update was discarded like so many urine soaked sheets.

I first saw Peru when I was around 10 or 11, perhaps even as old as twelve. I really don't know, it was somewhere in that time period. We were at the SPCA, looking for another dog so that our only dog, Juno, wouldn't be lonley at day when I went to school and my mother and boyfriend went to work (parents were split up by that point). They had already looked a certain saint bernard, a small runt of the litter, a pathetic little thing with so much hair falling out that we thought that she was a short-haired saint bernard. Her name was Peruvia (Perusia?), and she didn't like to be touched. No she didn't nip us when we tried to pet her, but she shied away from all human contact...

There's more, it was a very very long paragraph but for your sake I've cut it down.

Moving onto to our third and final clip (no, this wasn't all of them) which was made on 3/01/2005 and titled: "what's the password?"

We've had a long and illustrious history here at Lemon Party, we've gone over so many topics it's hard to recount them all. There's going up, going down, getting out, sliding in, escaping, leaning towards the middle, and who could forget falling down. Actually, we've discussed all of them but one: Sliding in. We've had our ups and downs when we've attempted to raise the level of writing on average blogs while my writing quality went down. We've fallen down when a week would go by with only a single entry. I've escaped judgment (narrowly I might add) by blaming many of our escapades on Odovaucer. And we've leaned towards the middle in an attempt to find fantastic comedy that didn't necessarily revolve around blogs.

But where does sliding in fit into that huge jumble of a paragraph? In truth it doesn't belong there (certain sentences excluded), it belongs here, in this paragraph. We've done a lot but we haven't exactly explained how to slide into your own little internet niche. In this update we'll not only show you how, we'll show you how!

I think that this update was a (not so) clever way to apologize to all of you for not putting any effort into half of my updates. I mean there's more past this point but I think that anyone can tell that it's just a tag on trying to make it a real update. Or maybe it wasn't. I'm not reading all of it and if you've ever made it this far you must be pretty dumb for not doing something more productive with your time than reading through crappy old updates. That or insanely smart. You're speed reading our blog while sipping your cappuccino and projecting thoughts to everyone in a 10 mile radius. "I do say, those chaps at Lemon Party certainly don't fully understand quantum mechanics, Uhurumph harrah."

Hey, fuck you buddy. I'm out.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Cellars of IMDb: Sean Astin Isn't Actually Anywhere Near as Pudgy as You Think He Is

2005-09-16T23:59:00.000-04:00

It's Friday, and this is the Cellars of IMDb. Each week we'll profile a differ actor's career, primarily through film stills. Last time we concluded with Brendan Fraser at the unfortunate Pauly Shore vehicle, Encino Man. We're starting not with the obvious choice, Mr. Shore himself, but a less likely costar, one Sean Astin.

You're probably quite familiar with Sean Astin, but I'm guessing it's only recently that you were able to atach a name to this face.

Specifically you know him from this context.

There he is, in all his pudgy glory. He's not actually that portly though. It’s just the special effects.

Okay, so it wasn’t special effects, but look: he’s clearly much than both Peter Jackson and John Cleese. That’s got to count for something, right? More importantly, he put on at least thirty-five pounds for that role. Take a look at an earlier Astin.

And here he is after The Lord of the Rings in the 50 First Dates.

Not so chubbster after all? It is something of pity that he has gotten the vast majority of the attention he is likely ever to receive while he was 35-40 pounds heavier than normal. You see Sean Astin has been quietly been building up a respectable Hollywood resumé for more than twenty years. He’s the consummate supporting actor for the majority of those years. Even his big break was as Samwise Gamgee, possibly the single greatest embodiment of the term “supporting character” ever seen on the silver screen. Literally and figuratively, Gamgee supports his master, Frodo Baggins. Astin has become the master of playing truthfully without stealing any of the focus. You might have seen him in any of the following films, but I guarantee you don’t remember him.

Encino Man
Safe Passage
Courage Under Fire
Bulworth

The exception is 50 First Dates because you probably saw LOTR first, and because Doug Whitmore is one of the most memorable characters Astin’s ever played. Aggressive pint-sized bodybuilders with lisps are going to stick in your mind. That’s just how it works.

Similarly his work on the television series “Jeremiah” would be memorable had anyone watched the show.

How could it fail, a post-apocalyptic comic book adaptation with a cast of former TV stars? Somehow it managed to last three seasons, 2002-04, with Sean Astin appearing as Mr. Smith, the prophet of Fractal Theory, in the second and third.

Now, Astin hasn’t been just minor characters all his life. In fact his very first role was a leading one. The aptly titled “Please Don’t Hit Me Mom,” an after-school special, presented a young Astin being savagely abused by his real life mom, Patty Duke. They were only acting. Acting, in fact, ran in the family. Sean’s father is the legendary John Astin (Gomez on the Addams Family).

Most of his starring roles have been in films that have withstood the test of time no better than that picture. We’re talking megahits like Toy Soldiers (costarring Wil Wheaton!) and Boy Meets Girl and made-for-TV movies like “Harrison Bergeron.”

All three have their niches and small but very much present fanbases. One is actually a great film. It shouldn’t come as a great surprise that the seminal story by the living legend Kurt Vonnegut Jr. is the basis of the actually worthwhile picture. That would be “Harrison Bergeron,” if you’re not familiar with the story you probably should see about remedying that as soon as possible.

This is one of those adaptations that seem a little controversial because the film makes makes no effort to mirror the original story. Instead the filmmakers chose to respond to the original work with a wholly new piece of art, but one that remains very much true to the spirit of Vonnegut’s cynical story about the value of equality in the modern world.

It’s generally foolish to try to make as true an adaptation of a piece of writing as possible, but it is especially ludicrous to attempt it with piece by Vonnegut. The beauty of his writing has nothing to do with his stories, which are delightfully absurdist and usually bitingly satirical. There are an awful lot of folks out there that can write satire and absurdity. Nobody writes like Vonnegut. His style is iconic. Nobody can do it as well, but that certainly isn’t enough to stop them from trying. It’s difficult to describe quite what makes it so special. His presentation is perhaps best described as “artfully artless.” His writing is generally simple, perhaps even simplistic, at times it seems like the narrator might even be a little bit retarded. It’s perfect. The incredible casualness of his writing is a thing to behold. It seems as if anyone could have just tossed off such a piece of fluff. Yet no one else seems to be able to do it so beautifully as Vonnegut has for so long.

There’s no way to translate that to film, and the filmmakers behind “Harrison Bergeron” wisely don’t even try. Instead they make a surprisingly solid film that will never grace the cinema screen and is sadly nigh impossible to obtain today.

I think I’m going to start crying if I write anything else about “Harrison Bergeron, so we’re going to end on something upbeat.

Astin starred in two, count them two, major motion pictures before LOTR. The first is the inspirational, based-on-a-true-story football film Rudy.

Sean Astin plays Rudy, a lad who dreams of playing ball for Notre Dame.

He journeys through great adversity to make the team.

There’s a climactic game at the end of movie. Guess how it turns out?

Hooray football.

The second of Astin’s major leading roles should need no introduction.

The Goonies. Fucking fuck yeah.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

The Great Void and the Great Reclaiming

2005-09-13T23:16:00.000-04:00

Two days ago it was Sunday, a day of rest. I was resting, as is my wont on Sunday, the day of rest. This was not, however, your typical day of rest. This was Patriot Day™! “What, pray tell, is Patriot Day™?” you may be asking. You wouldn’t actually ask that because you aren’t the sort of person who says things like “pray tell,” but that’s not really the point at hand. The point is that you have no idea what Patriot Day is. It’s not because you’re a knuckle-dragging mouth-breather (though it’s quite likely that you are, in fact, a knuckle-dragging mouth-breather). Why, I myself had no idea there was such a thing as Patriot Day™ until a calendar rudely rubbed my face in my own foul-smelling ignorance.

Patriot Day™, you see, is a celebration of September 11, 2001. Basically, President George W. Bush was just so tickled that a couple of planes crashed into the World Trade Center and the Pentagon that he wanted to immortalize the great sacrifice made by Mohammed Atta et al. So he made the day a holiday in honor of their patriotic efforts, and named it, appropriately enough, Patriot Day™. Here’s to Mohammed Atta, a real American hero.

So why am telling you all this? Is it because I think you’ll actually absorb something pertinent? Heavens no! Is it because I think this is an important matter to discuss in great detail? Of course not! Perhaps it’s because Mohammed Atta is a real American hero. Don’t be ridiculous! It could be because I just plain love to write about holidays. But it isn’t! Maybe it’s because I’m so drunk that this seemed like a perfectly reasonable idea? I’m not sure, but I don’t think so; I mean it seems a little contrived!! Or how about this: is it because the earliest post on Lemon Party was from Patriot Day™, 2001? Yes, that is correct. (!)

What can I say; I was feeling a little nostalgic for that simpler time when airplanes and towers would just run into each other willy-nilly. A time when you could turn on your computer, hop onto the Interwebnation Superhighway, and find something new to read at Lemon Party. You may have thought those days were gone for good. They weren’t. They’re back, and with a vengeance.

For too long bloggers have been able to publish their fruitless, semi-literate whining for all the world to see. This is the end of those days. No longer will individuals such as this be free to do as they would.

Look at her, serene in her self-serving misery. No longer, I say! No longer. The day of reckoning is at hand. Welcome back, our guiding light. Welcome back, Lemon Party.

Because your blog sucks, and that's not right.

It Is Time

2005-09-12T22:37:00.000-04:00

Regular updates start tomorrow. Gird thyself.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

One Post In Paris

2005-08-27T10:53:00.000-04:00

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

2005-07-22T15:57:00.000-04:00

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Nudeist Colony 32

2005-07-21T23:59:00.000-04:00

This week's Nudeist Colony is dedicated to the penis. It's time once again to take a closer look at you, our doting audience. Specifically we'll be looking at how you came to be reading this very page. As usual, all referrer logs are of English-speaking Americans using Windows and Internet Explorer, unless otherwise specified.

Sat May 21 02:47:27 2005
Arabic (Saudi Arabia)
bzq-218-240-177.red.bezeqint.net
81.218.240.177
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeist&fr=FP-tab-web-t&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8

Nudeist, eh? In Nudeist Colony 31 I explained the origin of nudeists. Unfortunately it turns out that, through a translation error, the subject discussed was actually something called "pogs." My apologies.

A nudeist is actually a giant space station with a superlaser powerful enough to destroy a planet. The only planet ever hit with a nudeists primary was the world of Alderaan, home Princess Leia Organa, though a prototype nudeist was tested successfully on the moon of Kessel.

The prototype, and both full-scale nudeists were destroyed by the either the Rebel Alliance or it's later incarnation, the New Republic. A similar superlaser was constructed by the Hutts, but was doomed by it's poor production values long before the New Republic destroyed near the ice world of Hoth.

Fri May 27 22:14:46 2005
199.8.3.79
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.altavista.com/web/results?itag=ody&q=free child nudeists&kgs=1&kls=0

I'm really not sure what anyone would want with child nudeists. Seems to me they wouldn't be all that much use until they matured into full-sized, fully-powered adult nudeists. And long before that the mother would track you down and destroy your planet. And then it really doesn't matter how many nudeists you have or what size they are.

Mon May 30 10:23:10 2005
German (Germany)
ACB09250.ipt.aol.com
172.176.146.80
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_27_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.de/search?q=%2215 year old girl fuck%22&hl=de&lr=&start=10&sa=N

Here in America it isnn't legal to fuck fifteen-year-old girls, but, you know what, I'm willing to extend the benefit of the doubt, and I'm going to assume it's perfectly okay over there in Deutschland.

Well actually I figured I might as well be safe and do a little research. Nope. It's not legal there either. Sorry duder.

Mon May 30 09:29:11 2005
Japanese
ntchba172022.chba.nt.ftth.ppp.infoweb.ne.jp
210.131.53.22
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeist&prssweb=Search&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-tab-web-t&fl=0&x=wrt

Gosh, the Japanese sure love their gigantic planet-crushing space stations don't they? We salute your dedication, brave people of Japan.

Wed Jun 15 10:26:32 2005
217.219.114.132
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_11_14_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.avantfind.com/search.asp?keywords=nudeism&Search.x=26&Search.y=15

Nudeism, as it turns out, is not a word. Who would have thought?

Wed Jun 15 13:55:10 2005
ca01-ch01-bl07.in-indianap0.sa.earthlink.net
207.69.137.139
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_11_21_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?ei=utf-8&fr=slv1-&p=nudeist camp colonies

I had no idea there were camp colonies dedicated to nudeists, or any manner of space station for that matter. The logistics of it all just seem, well out of this world. Why would a nudeist want to go to a camp colony anyway? I wouldn't think a space station really needed that sort of thing. Actually, come to think of it, I'm not even quite sure what a camp colony would be. Seems like it's either oxymoronic or redundant, but it's not quite clear which.

Fri Jul 15 07:28:49 2005
tolnt.slk-law.com
208.16.183.37
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_01_11_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=%22Lizzemon%22

I don't really ahve anything terribly interesting about this one, it just makes sick. I weep for humanity, and I fear it is far too late to save the race of me. I've had enough of these logs; I'm going to find myself a nudeist give this world what's coming to it.*

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*If my plan inexplicably fails you can expect updates next week. If not, it doesn't really matter, does it?

Cellars of IMDb: Brendan Fraser Is Taller Than You Are

2005-07-15T01:33:00.000-04:00

He's six foot three. He might not be taller than you, but only if you're six three or better.

Moving on.

When last we dove into the depths of the dumpster that is the Internet Movie Database we found ourselves faced with former teen heartthrob Matt Dillon, and watched as he matured from playing attractively villainous teenagers swirling with machismo and rage into playing attractively villainous adults swirling with machismo and rage. That's called range, babe. We left off with Crash.

In said film Fraser plays a hopelessly politicized district attorney perfectly adequately.

Fraser has a history of solid performances all manner of roles in serious dramas. But that's not what you recognize him from. No, you know as any number of hunky, well-meaning "fish out of water" in atrocious comedies. Here, have a look.

Yeah, they were pretty bad. After six years of smaller movies and smaller parts George of the Jungle sky-rocketed him onto Hollywood's A-list and his parade of dimwits continued on, though with some better movies mixed in there.

The Mummy would be one such film. The Mummy Returns would not. Back to the nitwits, in 2000 he played that guy. You know that guy. He was in your high school class. He ate his boogers, didn't he? And you know he didn't have any friends, but gosh, he sure was friendly.

Bedazzled. Not a bad movie. Fraser plays that guy, who is hopeless in love with some random hottie he has no chance of getting. Then suddenly his lock changes. Enter the devil, played by Liz Hurley.

Yes, the devil wears a bikini. Zip back up and come back to Brendan Fraser with me, will you? Actually, you know what? Never mind.

I think we're done. Almost. Just a little one.

So the upshot is Liz Hurley is hot, so you should rent Bedazzled. By yourself. Or not, since Fraser's character metamorphoses into various id monsters and Fraser plays each incarnation with a great deal of verve and gusto.

Brendan Fraser. He hasn't just been a goofball, though. Really! Recently he's found himself in critically acclaimed films like Gods and Monsters and The Quiet American. True, he did play a sexy pool boy in the former, but it was a character with deep inner conflict. And highly developed pecs. But there was conflict there too!

Still, in all his successful movies he plays, well, Airheads.

That's Adam Sandler and Steve Buscemi with him. The film also features a disturbingly bearded Judd Nelson and Spinal Tap frontman Michael McKean. The movie is decidedly mediocre by most standards, but I really liked it. Until I saw it on Comedy Central every day for what seemed like years. It got a little tiresome then.

So, wrapping up.

Brendan's come a long way since his first major role, a caveman named Link awakened into modern California in the unfortunate Pauly Shore vehicle (Is there any other kind?), Encino Man.* Don't see this. Ever.

Back then he played a young man completely out of his element with little to no brain power. Since then he's branched to play many, many more of the same characters. And some good ones too! Really, he's a perfectly acceptable dramatic actor, even if most of the time he's making awful slapstick.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*This week's trivia note: Fraser appears in two other Pauly Shore movie, albeit only briefly. In both movies he has cameo appearances as Link, though Shore does not play the same character. Well he does because he only knows how to portray himself, but the names are different.

Jesus Was Way Cool

2005-07-13T01:20:00.000-04:00

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Running with the Jungle

2005-07-08T18:16:00.000-04:00

Hello children.

It's been a while since I've stepped up to my little Internet soapbox, hasn't it? Over three weeks, I believe. In my absence the other Lemon Jockeys have ably filled my shoes, picking up the slack without a moment's hesitation. Or they provided two updates over the three week period. One or the other. But that's okay, I'm sure you weren't expecting any better from them. I, on the other hand, was supposed to be a different story. I updated. I provided content to you, my yearning masses of devoted readers. I was there for you every week with more words to throw at you in various and varying arrangements. It was a beautiful partnership, yours and mine.

Then I stopped.

Completely. Cold turkey. No warning, no mention of a possible return, just gone. Why? We'll get to that.

This is the United States of America.

I live in the United States of America. You probably do too.

This is Baltimore.

I live in Baltimore. When last I updated it was in this very city. Indeed every update I have posted has been from Baltimore.

This is San Francisco.

I arrived in San Francisco a week ago.

Via Volvo. This was my route.

It took about two weeks and, as you can see, I wasn't exactly rushing. My route curves almost as much as your mother's back after I got finished nailing her. Oh, zing! So, in short, yes I'm back in action. Next week we hop right back into the swing of things with a new Cellars of IMDb, a follow-up to one of our most popular updates of all time, and some reflections on what it's like to cross the vast intellectual wasteland that is the United States of America.

Until then, try not hurt yourselves.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

I want to sleep with common people like you

2005-06-20T23:30:00.000-04:00

Let me begin this post by apologizing for not updating frequently anymore, I just wanted to let you know that it's nothing you've done... it's not you, it's me. I've just been so stupid these past few weeks to actually think that this would work out. I mean don't get me wrong, you've done everything you could I just wasn't ready for this kind of commitment.

I mean it's summer, I'm out doing summery things like staying in my room all day and reading pokemon / Alice in chains crossover fanfiction. Which basically means that while I might have more time to work on hilarious and insightful updates I don't really want to. So expect less updates from me (or more maybe) in the coming days. I'll be updating with the schedule: Whenever I feel like it but still slightly more than Mergatroid. Oh my, I did in fact go there.

Remember folks, absence makes the heart grow fonder. While not updating our humble blog I came up with ideas, not ideas for updates mind you (that would be too convenient) but ideas for the new season of reality TV shows. I thought I would post a few here so that you could all bask in the glory that is my genius.

The Island of Doctor Moreau
In this spectacular new reality show twelve couples will be pitted against each other as they not only battle each other in hilarious mini-games and trust based exercises but also battle their eccentric host Doctor Moreau as he tries to turn them into something less than human. It's sort of like a Real World / Road Rules couples challenge mixed with Temptation Island served with a side of HORROR.

Donkey Konga
Six overly hairy men are transported into the jungle to live with a community of apes. They will battle each other as well as rival apes looking for the spot at the top of the pack. The winner receives a bucket full of silver paint to let everyone know that hey, he's a man now.

That's all for now, tune in next week. Same lemon time, same lemon station.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Conversatetion

2005-06-18T21:13:00.000-04:00

With summer comes long hours of nothing. And what better way to alleviate the nothingness than to watch some low-quality, high-budget reality TV? At first it was all fun and games. They did stupid shit, badmouthed everyone else behind his/her back, and kissed an unhealthy and possibly life-ruining amount of ass. Everything was as it should be and I was more than happy to wile away the hours in a stupefied but amused state. Then came that... word. (To be precise, it was no word at all but a horrific bastardization made by all too many reality TV "stars" trying to sound educated, deep, soulful, etc.)
That word, boys and girls, was conversate. As in, "I don't know why Tyra Banks doesn't consider me her best friend and pick me over those other sluts. It must be because we haven't had the chance to conversate." I shudder to think of all the impressionable children who might watch a fine program like Stripsearch and end up spouting non-words in hopes of gaining his/her own 15 minutes of fame.
Conversate, boys and girls, is not a word. One can never conversate with Tyra Banks, even if one happens to become an exceedingly vapid contestant on America's Next Top Model. One might, perhaps, by the grace of God, converse (notice the difference?) with the glorious diva. One might have a conversation(still a different word!) with that supermodel of perfection. But, just as Tyra will never pose completely nude (only the illusion of nudity involving two carefully placed pieces of tape), you will never conversate with her. That's something that you, boys and girls, and the impressionable children, will just have to learn.
And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Cellars of IMDb: Matt Dillon is More Awesome than a Crate of Puppies

2005-06-03T22:49:00.000-04:00

Now with special weekend update!

It's late Friday night, which can mean only one thing: it's time to continue our interminable completely open-ended journey through the Internet Movie Database. Today we'll be looking at reclusive Hollywood hunk Matt Dillon.

This week we are, surprisingly enough, picking up right where we left off: Employee of the Month. There's a complete transcription of the dialogue here, but it really doesn't do the film justice. This is a movie worth seeing. However I have difficulty classifying it as a good movie. You see this thing is chock full of good ideas-great ideas even. The thing is that they don't really fit together all that well. Predictably this is a movie written by a team of rookie screen-writers. Their only other writing credit is the Without a Paddle, produced the same year. Without a Paddle also rambles, but fits together far better, so I think we can reasonably hope for good things from Mitch Rouse and Jay Legget in the near future. In the meantime we have to deal with Employee. It was at Sundance, but no one actually cared. It was only chance that the film caught my eye on the shelf at Blockbuster, but I picked it up because Matt Dillon and Steve Zahn are cool. Dillon turns in a strong performance just ambiguous enough to leave the viewer with some lasting questions as to his motivations, but he is completely upstaged by Zahn rather frequently. (Including the single greatest biology lesson ever recorded.) Still Dillon gets chances to show a great deal of his much-vaunted range as this movie is all over the place. In a good way. And a bad way. Whatever, you should see it.

Now that we're back on track let's take a moment to examine the origin of that rare man who is called Matt Dillon.

You know the old cliche. The bigshot producer walks into some seedy dump and finds the next girl, usually greeting her with a line like "You ought to be in pictures." In theory it doesn't actually work that way, but that's about how Matt Dillon got his start. Seems talent scouts just happened to be in his high school, noticed him, got him an audition, and suddenly he was in pictures, lots of pictures starting in with his 1979 debut. Dillon's first films, including Over the Edge and Francis Ford Coppola's Rumble Fish are pretty standard rebellious teenager/coming-of-age sorts of pictures, and he quickly established himself as a leading man. Leading boy, more accurately. Most notably in the unofficial trilogy of S.E. Hinton adaptations, Tex, The Outsiders,* and target="_BLANK"Rumble Fish.

He got hunkier every year and started to branch out into other genres with some success until the late eighties when he faded somewhat from the public eye after a series of mediocre films. He stayed in the background for awhile, doing more bad movies and some critically acclaimed but largely unseen films. He didn't really make another big splash until 1997's In & Out. Suddenly things were rolling for Dillon.

Next year was Wild Things and Something About Mary.

Then, just when thing were going well he completely disappeared from Hollywood for three years, most likely to begin work on City of Ghosts, which he wrote, directed, and starred in. His return to the silver screen was the quirky and ultimately unpopular One Night at McCool's.

This is no great film, and the cast is leagues better than the picture itself, but all the same it's probably worth checking out at some point if you're into that whole black comedy thing.
After 2002's City of Ghosts Dillon played a minor role in the nearly universally despised Deuces Wild.

There's definitely at least one more Cellars of IMDb subject in that picture, quite likely more.

Dillon's recent work was been on regrettably small circulation pictures, but this year he is once again returning to the multiplexes in the surprise indie hit Crash and the big-budget Herbie: Fully Loaded.

Crash is the sort of movie that hops around a bunch in space and time to deal with numerous disparate storylines. That is to say Crash is my favorite sort of movie. Now I'm not talking about movies like Pulp Fiction and Sin City** so much as films more along the lines of Love Actually and Reservoir Dogs. While Pulp Fiction and Sin City are certainly fine movies they just don't blow you away with the dazzling array of characters and relationships deftly woven together into a single narrative. Instead they're constructed as series of only perfunctorily connected stories. It just doesn't get my juices flowing the same way. Love Actually deals with eight different couples for the most part individually, yet still manages to keep the viewer from getting lost as ever more connections are woven into the web.

Crash is the that sort of film. We have innumerable stories each twining with others, some subtly, some with abrupt brutality. Crash is best at its best when it is setting traps for its characters readily visible to the viewer but completely invisible to the players. (That's called dramatic irony!) It is all you can do but to scream warnings to the oblivious, generally well-intentioned people poised upon the disastrous precipice and completely unaware of their danger. It's deliciously maddening. The characters are done, for the most part, in shades of gray, and it is never quite clear who is at fault, if anyone. Even when a character does something that looks cruel and petty an insidious justification will creep not long after. Matt Dillon plays his standard role: the handsome rogue. Each film is a different shade of jackass, but Dillon consists plays characters that fall just short of likeable for one reason or another. His character in Crash certainly matches the archetype, but a variety of factors mitigate our impression of his character, despite our almost immediate disgust at his first scenes.

So basically Matt Dillon gets paid to be a hot villain. Usually a badass, sometimes a jackass, occasionally a conflicted anti-hero. Sounds like a good life to me.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*Also starring Adam Baldwin. You can safely assume that Adam, no relation to the infamous Baldwin brothers, will be getting his own entry in this series.

**I know I'm sort of trashing on the movie here, but trust me, it is the height of understatement to say that I am eagerly awaiting Sin City 2 and 3.

Cellars of IMDb: Steve Zahn is Really Cool

2005-05-27T12:59:00.000-04:00

Steve Zahn is really cool. There's a pretty good chance you know of him, but I doubt you know just how cool he is. Before we delve into just how cool he is, let's a take a quick peak.

That's pretty much the sexiest you're ever going to see this fellow, so revel in it now for soon we shall venture in realms noticeably less aesthetic. Like now for instance.

Anyway, last week we left the delicious Ethan Embry at That Thing You Do. Today we begin with the same picture.

Lenny, the guitarist is, much like Embry's "The Bass Player," a secondary character whose naivete provides comic relief. This sort of role is Zahn's bread and butter. No, this sort of role is just about all he does. Sometimes it's more stupid than naive, Saving Silverman, for instance.

Over and over and over again he's the dumb sidekick. His most recent film, Sahara? You better believe he's the comic relief sidekick, just a touch too irritating at times. Poor typecast bastard. I mean really, he was even the doofy comic relief guy in Hamlet of all things.

Now I first encountered Zahn in That Thing You Do, but I must admit he didn't really sink in at the time. (Further viewings have corrected this.) The first time Zahn came to my attention was in the immediately forgotten Happy, Texas.

That movie got no love whatsoever. Yes it was yet another variation on the already very nearly exhausted "escaped criminal(s) doing whatever it takes to stay out of custody" sub-genre. Still it took the genre in a new direction, and it was, get this, funny. Steve Zahn is flawless as the hillbilly Wayne Wayne Wayne Jr. His co-lead, the much prettier Jeremy Northam also turns in a quite serviceable performance, while the inimitable William H. Macy continues to prove himself one of the best character actors ever to grace the silver screen. This died in the box offices. It imploded, it collapsed, it barely registered. It didn't register, in fact, for me. The first I heard of it was when I picked up the box and decided to rent it. Not regretting that decision one bit. Steve Zahn is adorable, and I want to eat him alive. This movie forms a third of Zahn's oeuvre in my opinion. The other two are the giddy That Thing You Do, and another movie that never hit it big, not that it was ever really expected to the way some had apparently hoped for Happy, Texas.

Employee of the Month. There's a complete transcription of the dialogue here, but it really doesn't do the film justice. This is a movie worth seeing. However I have difficulty classifying it as a good movie. You see this thing is chock full of good ideas-great ideas even. The thing is that they don't really fit together all that well. Predictably this is a movie written by a team of rookie screen-writers. Their only other writing credit is the Without a Paddle, produced the same year. Without a Paddle also rambles, but fits together far better, so I think we can reasonably hope for good things from Mitch Rouse and Jay Legget in the near future. In the meantime we have to deal with Employee. It showed up at Sundance without too much fanfare and quietly faded. It was only chance that the film caught my eye on the shelf at Blockbuster, but I picked it up, liked the cast, liked the cover, gave it a rent. It was worth it. Zahn is again cast as a lovably incompetent supporting character, but carries the film. Sure you've got the smoldering sex appeal of the female leads and Matt Dillon's actual talent for the whole acting thing (which is not necessarily all that present) but as soon as Zahn appears onscreen the scene is his. He does not waste that power, and gives Dillon and the viewer the single greatest biology lesson ever recorded. The single greatest science lesson. The single greatest lesson ever to appear on film. Oh my god that scene is fantastic. Still the movie doesn't make any sense but somehow still manages to be predictable. Watch it anyway. Repeatedly. Steven Zahn is that cool.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Exploding barrels

2005-05-24T19:23:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you dream. When you dream you walk alone at night. Through barren streets and unknown alleyways you make your journey home through the darkness. Unknown shapes watch you from the shadows, goading you down paths long forgotten by man. Slowly the street lamp's hum becomes nothing but a faint whisper, and the concrete path turns to ill cared-for cobblestones. The unknown shapes become something more, and at the same time less, still ever watching, but occasionally you can pick out an eye... or a leg... or a long clawed arm whereon the remains of some half-dead creature whose last spasms of life evoke a grim foreboding for your own future. And then it comes... a writhing mass of tentacles bursts out of the darkness and envelops you wrapping you in its slimy grip slowly, slowly squeezing the life out of you until such a point such that God grants you leave from their realm, and you find yourself in bed screaming as the shapes slowly meld back into the shadows.

(I love how he tried to rape what could possibly be one of the best paragraphs he's written here with superfluous ellipses. Luckily he turns a lovely little phrase in the next paragraph. Let's read on and see if we can spot it. - Odovaucer)

Or sometimes you dream that the cute girl in your English class finally noticed you, and then let you do her up the butt. It all really depends on what's going on in your life. Personally I think that the first dream is cooler, especially since you don't have to get feces (even dream feces) on your penis.

I don't pretend to know anything about dreams though... well except for one thing. Dreams are awesome. Really awesome. Dreams can be used in any situation, and I do mean ANY situation.

Let's say that you're trying to romance a fine lady, right? You whisper sweet nothings into her ear and tell her that she is the very stuff of your dreams. Ok, it is kind of creepy if you don't pull it off right, but if I have learned anything from sappy love stories, it's that stuff like this always works (unless you're that really creepy guy who causes the misunderstanding and not the only somewhat creepy protagonist).

Or perhaps a really ugly girl just asked you to prom. You lean over to your friends, and take a little jab at her, you tell them that it's like all of those nightmares that you keep having. If you wanted to be really mean, you would tell her (along with telling your friends the previous bit) that you'd go to prom with her... in her DREAMS. Get it? (Got it - Odovaucer)

Sometimes dreams even help you sort out problems that your conscious mind doesn't want to deal with. I don't know exactly how this works, but I'm sure that if you feel the need to post your dreams here I'll tell you something possibly involving rape and your parents. (Generally I agree with a lot of things turtle_07 says. Scratch that, very little he says is even possible, let alone true. This is one of many cases in which he's just wrong. You cannot sort any problems without be willing to consciously deal with them. Even if your dreams provide a solution you cannot implement said solution without the consent of your conscious mind. So turtle_07's message is a little disingenuous there. Also I should counsel you against using your dreams to solve your problems because you aren't smart enough to understand all of the implications. turtle_07 is either, but his answers involve both rape and your parents, so you should probably consult him. - Odovaucer)

I hope that this has been informative, turtle_07 out.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Cellars of IMDb: An Ode to Ethan Embry

2005-05-20T23:57:00.000-04:00

Welcome to what may become the latest weekly feature to hit the front page of your beloved Lemon Party. Let me first assure you that Ethan Embry is really cool, and that we'll be totally talking all about him in just a little bit. You see I just want to lay out some explanatory exposition first. We haven't had a whole lot of content recently, so I've been working on concepts that are templated and reusable while (hopefully) not the sorts of things that become stale quickly. The best of those concepts was IMDb-hopping/celebrity BJs. No these are not actual blow jobs, and it's questionable as to whether or not most of the stars profiled in our new Friday feature really qualify as "celebrities." We're going to be dealing, for the most part, with people and movies that have slipped under the radar for most people. I'll talk about how cool each person is and discuss some of his or her work.

If the person is not cool at all in any way whatsoever I will makes up things that are cool about that person.

Once I don't feel like writing anymore I will stop and give some sort of closing and come back exactly one week later with another performer in the final entry of the previous Friday's piece. In that manner we'll surf our way across IMDb, perhaps eventually returning to Ethan Embry, our first somewhat less famous famous person. We're placing this on Friday because I will be watching at least one movie listed in the actor's IMDb filmography not previously detailed in that week's Cellars of IMDb.* Once I've seen the film in question I shall update the Friday entry, so you'll just have to come back several times over the course of the weekend to see if we've got any new content up yet.

Enough boring shit, let's masturbate to the one and only Ethan Embry!

Isn't he ever so pretty?

And look, now he's all smoldery! Burn baby, burn.

For more totally hot pictures of Ethan Embry check out http://www.freepgs.com/ethanonline. Now that we're clear on the essentials, let us take a look at the filmography of this underappreciated young star. We'll work backwards because backwards is the new forwards. Most recently the distinguished Mr. Embry has been doing nothing. Zero movies out in 2005 and none currently in production. He's just 26 years old though, and I don't expect to see him retiring any time soon, though he has already seen more of Hollywood than most even dream of. It's safe to say he's just on a bit of a break.

Recent filmography consists primarily of minor, supporting, largely forgettable roles in a number of motion pictures some major blockbusters, some less so, including Timeline, Harold and Kumar go to White Castle, and Sweet Home Alabama. Generally the size of his parts have been had a directly inverse relationship to the popularity of the movie. Which is to say that only cheap and dirty movies seem willing to tap him for leads anymore.

It wasn't always like that though.

In fact it wasn't entirely like that at the time. He played Detective Frank Smith on the acclaimed "updated edition" of Dragnet.

Or at least it was critically acclaimed, but ABC didn't even air the entire first season. The next year three of the missing five episodes did, however, show up on USA.

That tends to happen to television shows starring young master Embry.
"Work with Me" - cancelled
Life on Liberty Street - never made it past the pilot stage.

He's been in one other TV show. One show in which he was the lead, the top-billed, hell he even got to play two characters. The show was called "FreakyLinks".

You probably haven't heard of it. Or if you have, it was probably during Peter Griffin's litany of Fox shows picked up and subsequently cancelled between Family Guy's cancellation and its miraculous resurrection. "FreakyLinks" was another product of the team that put together the Blair Witch Project, and was certainly a natural evolution of the that movie. "FreakyLinks" also employed handheld cameras in a Blair Witch style, but managed to somehow weave those elements seamlessly with standard footage. The show was about the exploits of one Derek Barnes (Embry), an enterprising lad who takes over the his brother's (also Embry) website after the brother's apparent suicide. The website, Freakylinks.com obviously, was dedicated to tracking all sorts of occult and supernatural tidbits, so Embry and his cohorts are constantly investigating all manner of strange and scary happenings. The show was accompanied by an official website (luckily the producers preserved this particular relic, if not at its original location). "FreakyLinks" was thrilling, and scary, and funny, and witty at times, though it was somewhat youth-oriented. It quickly developed a rabid fandom. Freaky Links went off the air after nine episodes. Two more eventually surfaced.

No more tears for "FreakyLinks." Now we move on to Embry's greatest celluloid successes.

There he is, starring in Can't Hardly Wait. There he is so sweet and innocent and naive. You may sigh now. If you wish.

Well before that brief flirtation with teenage comedy Embry had turned in his two best-noted performances, both in roes of starry-eyed innocence, much like Can't Hardly Wait.

In 1995 he was just seventeen years old, but he managed to pull the part of Mark in the almost completely forgotten Empire Records.

Every character in the film demands the viewer's undivided love and attention, and all the actors steal scenes back and forth from each other. Mark is one of the best though. This gleeful if rather stupid character introduces every viewer to the instantly unforgettable band GWAR. I cannot begin to imagine to hope to countenance providing a clear and concise explanation of the phenomenon that is GWAR, but I will say that this film does a pretty solid job of it. In summation:

The next year Ethan had changed his last name from Randall to Embry (his grandfather's last name) and was appearing in Tom Hanks' 1996 That Thing You Do!**

Yet again we see Embry as a lovably dim chipmunk, and we love every fucking minute of it. Embry's character, the band's bassist and an aspiring marine, is infinitely more adorable than his repeat costar, the really quite boring Liv Tyler. Maybe she just gets typecast into boring parts, but she really does have a knack for being boring on screen. Embry's character, despite his sizable role, does not get a name. A dig at the common conception of the anonymity and replaceability of bassists, his character is never named. In the credits he is listed as "TB Player," one of the best names in all of music history simply for being attached to the inimitable Ethan Embry.

That's all for this week and for this week's Cellars of IMDb. Join me next week when we take a look at one of Ethan Embry's That Thing You Do! costars. And now, a picture of poor Ethan's receding hairline.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*Not every week, but most weeks. Definitely most weeks. I promise.

**Random Aside: The title song and recurring theme of the movie, the aptly-titled "That Thing You Do," was penned by a man named Adam Schlessinger, whose band would release its self-titled debut, Fountains of Wayne, the next year.

Thirty-One is the Number of this Nudeist Colony

2005-05-18T23:59:00.000-04:00

Today's Nudeist Colony is dedicated to apathy, bitter rival to productiveness. This Nudeist Colony, like all Nudeist Colonies, contains a number of listings. Each entry contains the actual data of an Internet browser who stopped by our illustrious website. As usual I have given date, time, resolved domain, IP address, the page viewed, and the page the reader was referred from. All users are assumed to be English-speaking Americans using Windows and IExplore unless otherwise indicated. My comments follow each entry.

Note that there was no Nudeist Colony last week or the week before for that matter. No they haven't gone away for good, but don't expect one every week anymore. We'll just have to wait and see what happens.

Mon Apr 4 22:48:05 2005
adsl-61-138-250.mco.bellsouth.net
208.61.138.250
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_12_05_lemonparty_archive.html
http://websearch.cnn.com/search/search?source=cnn&invocationType=search%2Ftop&sites=web&query=young

Yes Lemon Party automatically becomes more prestigious simply for showing up on a CNN.com search. Or it would if there was any prestige to be gained from such an occurrence. There isn't, so we haven't. Incidentally, it's pretty safe to say that this referrer has been truncated. I'm guessing the search was actually for something along the lines of "young nudeist" or "young girl stripping" or "young people are ruining this country" or some such nonsense. I can guarantee you that the person who found us this is not the sort one would want to converse with at any great length.

Wed Apr 13 21:33:30 2005
adsl-69-149-212-157.dsl.wchtks.swbell.net
69.149.212.157
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.altavista.com/web/results?itag=ody&q=free child nudeists&kgs=1&kls=0

This is an admirable statement and certainly one I can get behind. Notice how forceful the imperative is. It's not at all wishy-washy like "I wish you would set free the child nudeists." Instead have a forceful demand: free child nudeists. It sounds just like the sort of thing one would put on a sign as one trotted angrily around a building in which child nudeists were imprisoned. Fear not, dear young nudeists, for your rescuers have arrived upon a great steed of internets. Rejoice.

Sat May 7 12:44:17 2005
adsl-33-133-239.asm.bellsouth.net
67.33.133.239
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=nudeism&ei=UTF-8&fl=0&xargs=0&pstart=1&fr=FP-tab-web-t&b=11

I my last Nudeist Colony I discussed nudeism. I gave a definition and explained about what makes a nudeist a nudeist. However it turns out that what I actually described was a "chav," not a nudeist. My apologies. The correct definition follows.

Nudeists are thin cardboard discs approximately the diameter of a half-dollar coin. The term "nudeist" comes from the name of a passion fruit/orange/guava drink in Hawaii. The cardboard disks came out of the lid.

after a while, nudeists caught on in mainstream American culture, so companies sold the discs sans Hawaiian fruit drink. The mass produced nudeists were decorated with a variety of images.

Nudeists were primarily collected to be used in a peculiar and rather simple-minded game of skill and chance. The nudeists would be stacked in small piles and the players would use thicker, heavier disks of metal or plastic to strike those piles. Any nudeists flipped by the "slammer" would go to the person who flipped them. Players would take turns, and the player with the most nudeists at the conclusion of the game would be declared the victor. Unfortunately mainstream American culture has long since massed nudeists by. Like Furbies and Beanie Babies they have become relics of a more innocent past. Would that we could return to those simpler days when sexuality had not weaseled its insidious way into all our thoughts and deeds.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Reports of Our Demise Have Been Highly Exaggerated

2005-05-13T23:59:00.000-04:00

Hello there friend. I see that you are reading an update on Lemon Party. Good for you. You may have noticed that the recent archives are somewhat spotty. Our output has been noticeably low for the last several weeks and the content has been somewhat nonstandard. You are free to interpret "nonstandard" as a euphemism for just plain weird if you are so inclined. At any rate it has either gone down in quality or at least sideways. Neither of those possibilities seems optimal to me, but alas that is the state of things. Factors beyond my control have made it difficult for your Lemon Jockeys to provide you with content as regularly as you might have liked.

However I am at work on a compromise of sorts. Soon (I'm thinking week after next, most likely) we shall be having a five update week. A article queue stuffed to the bursting with prolix verbiage. So why is this a compromise? Well these updates will not resemble classic Lemon Party updates. Any mention of blogs and blogging will be tangential at best. You see, I'm going to show you why I haven't been writing my standard fare. It shall be a day in the life of a Lemon Jockey stretched out over a standard working week. If it goes well enough and we remain unable to provide old school updates we'll be giving you a week of turtle_07's existence as well. He may not be up to the task though, which would mean that I would be simulating a far more interesting life for him.

Anyway that's the big idea, and I'll also be trying to tie up some loose ends next week. There is a slight possibility that we'll be employing a new writer, but don't hold your breath. You will, however, be seeing at least one update from one of the lesser stars of the Lemon Party galaxy.

Finally I would like to leave with a single discussion question, because, frankly, I don't feel like padding this update with meaningful content. Why do you read blogs and/or write in your own? Now go and discuss my children. If you say anything noteworthy in the comments I'll be sure to address your points when next I write.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Hello, Don't Worry

2005-05-09T21:59:00.000-04:00

If ever there was a reason for our blog to be nominated as the feel-good block of the year, this update is it.

As the title read: Hello, don't worry. We're going to take a step back from the harsh world of blogging and take a step forward into the less harsh (but sometimes still very harsh) world of feel-good messages.

That's right, feel-good messages. I know what you're all asking: just how are feel-good messages harsh? Well they're harsh if you don't want to hear them. I bet that the feel good message of "We just bombed the shit out of those fucking Japanese." probably wasn't very feel good to the Japanese. In fact, it probably burned a lot and mutated cells.

Another surprisingly harsh feel-good message would be "I fucked your sister." Sure it may feel good to me (unless she was a terrible lay), but I don't think that the recipient of this message would feel very good. Unless he hated his sister, and I was covered in hideous boils full of bear urine. Luckily the latter isn't true, I can't speak about the former because It hasn't happened... yet. (This sentence could probably have done without that yet - Odovaucer)

So what's the feel-good message of the century? I'll tell you: Even though we're speeding towards oblivion, it doesn't mean that you can't enjoy the ride.

Thank you and goodnight!

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

I am a time-bomb

2005-05-02T21:57:00.000-04:00

You know, people have often asked me just what it's like being an e-internet celebrity. Many times I will have people walk up to me on the street and say: "Excuse me fine sir, but are you the illustrious Lemon Party poster turtle_07", and I of course respond with a "Verily kind sir, that man of which you speak is I!" Bad grammar and outdated modes of speaking be damned, I do actually say that. Although usually after I answer that they hit me and call me a fag. Apparently some people have misconceptions about what it means to be an e-internet celebrity... that or they're just plain rude.

Not that I really care about people having misconceptions (although their rudeness is rather tiring), being an e-internet celebrity means that I'm entirely apathetic when it comes to 'the other half'. That's right, in fact I would only acknowledge your existence if you were to come close enough to effect me in such a way that I might somehow spill my chardonnay and have potatoes au gratin stain my satin vest. In any case it should be obvious that you're all incredibly worthless, more so than paperweights.

So worthless in fact that if you were Jesus Christ you would just be the omega... do you see where this is going? You lack worth, plain and simple. But what's the point to all this? Why am I writing this? I'm afraid that this has no point, much like your life. Oh don't get me wrong, it started off having a point but once it turned into an update about talking about how terrible you (not even sure who you is) are it sort of degraded into some sort of monster and I wasn't sure where to go with it.

At which point I thought why not be honest and explain myself? Which is why I wrote that previous sentence. Now the update doesn't even make sense anymore, I'm out.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Thursday Is Not The Last Day Of The Week

2005-04-28T23:59:00.000-04:00

Thursday is not the last day of the week. Friday is the last day of the week. On Friday we leave our schools or our offices comfortable in our knowledge that the week is over and we can finally relax. Friday is the last day of the week.

Yet our schools and our work start back up on Monday. On Monday we gird ourselves with backpacks and briefcases and set off grumbling into the rising sun. Monday is the first day of the week, everyone knows that. If Monday is the first day of the week Sunday must be the last day of the week because a week is seven days long; everyone knows that. Since each week is followed immediately by another week, the day before the first day of one week must be the last day of the previous week. Sunday is the day before Monday. Our syllogism is airtight: Sunday is the last day of the week.

Yet the calendar clearly states that Sunday is the first day of the week, and the first day of the week cannot be the last day of the week. The beginning and the ending are two very different things. Nothing is both the alpha and the omega. If Sunday is the first day of the week Saturday must be the last day of the week. It's awfully difficult to successfully argue against the calendar. Only once has it been done successfully, and the man who won that argument was the Emperor of Rome of the calendar was not all that well established at the time. Since then it has never lost an argument, though occasionally it has slept through arguments, which it certainly would have one had it been awake, but unfortunately the argument was considered forfeit, and the opposition's position was accepted. It is also difficult to successfully argue with carpets, but that has nothing to do with the matter at hand.

The important question is whether or not Thursday is the last day of the week. So far we've established that the last day of the week is three different days. None of which is Thursday. Yet when some manner of holiday truncates one's working week by a single day, Thursday may in fact become the last day. Today is one such Thursday. I never could get the hang of Thursdays.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

I am Going to Write About Penises

2005-04-27T23:57:00.000-04:00

I like penises. They are very nice. I have a penis and I like my penis. It is a nice penis. Penises are really neat because they are long and hard and full of semen. Semen has sperm in it and sperm has half a baby in it. That is why sperm is important. There are no babies without sperm and there are no sperm without semen and there are no semen with penises.

A penis is sometimes hard and sometimes soft. It is only hard when it is happy and some times it gets too happy and that makes it unhappy. Penises have lots of mood changes. Mommy says penises get sadder as they get older. I hope my penis is not sad when I grow up. I like my penis. I want it to be happy. I want all penises to be happy.

A penis has a head which is at the end of the penis. Mommy says some penises have their heads cut off. That is sad penises should not have their heads cut off that is bad. Penises are good just the way theiy are. God made penises perfect and we should not upset His divine plan.

There are infinity penises and that is a lot of penises but there are more every day. There can never be too many penises because penises are so important. Not everybody has a penis and that is sad. It makes me sad. It makes me sad because not everybody has a penis and everybody should have a penis because penises are very nice.

Penises are also really cool because my mommy has one. She lets me touch it sometimes. It is much bigger than mine but mommy says mine wil be just as big one day. Mommy says that I am very lucky because most other mommies have no penises. That is too bad because those mommies can not have children because they have no penises. That makes me sad. At least I have a penis.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Editor's Note: the primary plural of penis is "penes."

There is a Radio in my Brain

2005-04-26T22:25:00.000-04:00

There's a radio in my brain. I'm getting messages from the FBI. They want me to spy on my neighbors; they want me to be their informant. There's a radio in my brain and the FBI is telling me what to think.

There's a bullet in my brain. I'm losing my senses; I'm losing pain. The bullet isn't stopping, but I am.

There's an alien parasite in my brain. It's controlling my body. I can't stop it; no one knows it isn't me. There's an alien parasite in my brain, and we're all going to die.

There's a thought in my brain. It's my own creation,; it's my own invention. It's not very good. There's a thought in my brain, and maybe I'll have another one day.

There's a tumor in my brain. Purple nurple esophagus boogers. Eatin' a donut; zict Aaoctrcncovoxeaitdbc ukuba. There's a tumor in my brain, and I have a shotgun.

There's a song in my brain. It won't get out. Goo goo g'joob. I am the walrus; I am the eggman. Goo goo g'joob. There's a song in my brain, and I'm crying.

There's a Q-tip in my brain. I put it in my ear; now it won't come out. I have a Q-tip in my brain, oh shit.

There's a memory in my brain. It's my shame; i can't seem to lose it. Why won't it fade? There's a memory in brain, and I'm not sure I want it anymore.

There's a bullet in my brain. I am dead.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Event Horizon

2005-04-20T23:38:00.000-04:00

I was told by my esteemed lemolleague (Lemon Party + colleague... it makes sense) Odovaucer to write an update with a purpose. I was told that my update would be about kittens; I was told that I would do this or he would kill my mother. I was also told that one of my three dogs had been equipped with a bomb and I was to make the update 'snappy' if I didn't want to play Russian roulette with their lives.

I responded thusly: I told Odovaucer that he was not only full of shit, but also full of dumb, I told Odovaucer that there was no way he could have attached a bomb to any one of my dogs because I have x-ray vision, and I told Odovaucer that I had never done no wanderin' (it was on my playlist at the time). Of course that exchange got me wondering (not wanderin', see above), just what's newsworthy... what deserves to be proudly displayed in our prestigious blog?

I mean can I just write whatever the hell I want? Are there standards that I must abide by? Has it stopped being taboo to write about our personal lives in Lemon Party? What if it's really cool... like a swirling vortex of pain opens up in my bathroom and I start seeing naked women through it? What a predicament! What a quandary! What a high school education!

This if course begs to ask the even larger question of: "Can I talk about what I can talk about in our blog?" Which begs the even larger question of "If I can't talk about what I can talk about in our blog, what can I talk about?" I asked our resident science scholar that very question and after running a series of tests he left me this email:

From: Resident Science Scholar To: Uniquename@gmail.com Subject: Re: What can I write about? Kittens

I like Calicos the best, how bout you guys?

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Nudeist Colony Thirty: Description Goes Here

2005-04-13T23:59:00.000-04:00

I haven't updated very much recently, and that's because I didn't really feel like updating. It seems a culture of trolls has developed during my apathy, a development that I shall address at some point in the future.* At the moment I'm publishing a "Nudeist Colony." This would be the time each week that I show off some of the more interesting paths readers took to reach this site. As usual, all referrer logs are of English-speaking Americans using Windows and Internet Explorer, unless otherwise specified.

Wed Mar 30 18:42:21 2005
Bryan-Cave.lightcore.net
65.208.227.246
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_03_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&q=%22Amanda Reeve%22%2B%22arizona%22

"Who is this Amanda Reeve?" you may be asking yourself. Or perhaps you may be asking me that question. You may also be curious as to the nature of this so-called "arizona." Well you certainly came to the right place for answers. I cannot have clearance to reveal all at this juncture, but I can tell you that she is in touch with the ground and that she is on hunt; she's after you. Scent and a sound, she's lost, and she's found. And she's hungry like the wolf. Women and children in the eastern United States are advised to stay in doors between the hours of four PM and six AM.

Fri Apr 1 15:20:36 2005
67-136-13-235.bras01.kea.ne.frontiernet.net
67.136.13.235
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=nudeism&btnG=Google Search

Nudeism, not to be confused with nudesme, is the latest trend in working class lifestyles. Intriguingly nudeists are found exclusively in United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, though their notoriety has long since made its way to America. A nudeist can generally be identified by his branded sportswear, baseball cap, and gaudy and excessive gold jewelry. Nudeists are generally teenagers or young adults of lower class upbringing. David and Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham are the ultimate in nudeist role models, and are greatly respected among nearly all nudeist circles. Nudeists also show a very strong affinity for specific brands, Burberry in particular for clothing and Nokia for mobile phones. Nudeists are a heavily stereo-typed sub-culture, but for the most part the stereotypes hold up. The vast majority of nudeists are indeed prone to all imaginable sorts of public indecency, some you probably have not imagined as well. Nudeists spend the majority of their waking hours intoxicated and are often responsible for petty violent acts. Nudeists have earned such negative press that Burberry has discontinued its line of baseball caps because of the indelible association with nudeism. That is, in a nutshell, all there is to know about nudeists. Now you don't need to search Google for them anymore.

Fri Apr 1 11:43:25 2005
Netscape 5
CPE0004e2c47130-CM014270111978.cpe.net.cable.rogers.com
24.114.254.67
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005/02/twenty-third-annual-nudeist-colony.html
http://www.google.ca/search?hl=en&q=stripteasing&btnG=Google Search&meta=

I am so shocked and offended by the nerve necessary for someone to come here looking for stripteasing that I will speak no more of this referrer log and instead refer you to some breaking news.

BREAKING NEWS: I have it on good authority that Amanda Reeve is willing and able to strut on a line. According to her it's discord and rhyme. Apparently she howls and she whines. Once again I must repeat that she's after you. Her mouth is alive, all running inside, and she's hungry like the wolf. Consider yourself warned.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*When I say culture I really mean two guys. After all, culture is what you make of it.

I'm sorry

2005-04-11T18:02:00.000-04:00

Alright, there, I said it. I apologize for all of the times that I posted a bad update and forced all of you (our humble readers) to read it; I apologize for threatening to eat your dog and/or cat if I was not fed dinner after I forced you to read the update (I'm not attacking the troll, I actually did this once, I'm not too proud of my past), and I have a very special apology for a Mr. Fuck you lemonparty. My apology to him is two-fold. First, he has a terrible name (or Internet alias as it is more often called), and second... well there was no second.

At this point you should be asking yourselves, why on Earth is he apologizing, and how come his updates are so terrible? Or, if you are only capable of holding one thought at a time: "Now how did they get this that there Internet to fit into my computer screen?" In response to the first part of your thought: it's called a segue; we've been over this before.

The second part of your thought/question... well that's what this is about. Imagination is the name of the game, and I severely lack it. I was the kid in art class who would stare at the blank canvas for at least one full period before he even had an idea about what he would draw (that would be if I actually took drawing/painting classes). Good ideas for me are few and far between, and I am very bad at turning a mediocre idea into something funny. Sorry.

So what can we do about that? If you just thought nothing than you sir are a defeatist, and I WILL NOT have you reading our blog! Whenever you have a question it's always best to consult the Internet, as it will be the fastest and most reliable source of information. It's also a good idea to cross-reference your search with a movie in which someone had a similar problem. For instance, if I were being hunted down by zombies, Night of the Living Dead might have been a good thing to look up. As I am currently looking for imagination or, if you will, a swing in my step I will be looking up just how a lady named Stella got her groove back.

(I hope you all understood how severe a sign this is. - Odovaucer)

Step one is to use a search term that the search engine can understand so that you can get the best possible results. For this reason I have chosen the phrase: "How did stella get he groove back?" The question mark lets the search engine (google.com) know that you're serious and that this isn't a search for naked pictures of Pamela Anderson.

Don't let anything sway you from your question, especially poor grammar. Do not, under any circumstance give into any suggestions that the search engine might throw back at you. Example:

"Did you mean: how did stella got her groove back?"

The best thing to do in this situation is to immediately type into the search box: "No, I did not mean "(search engine's suggestion)" and then hit enter so that it will change your results away from what the search engine thinks you want and instead display what you actually want.

Unfortunately this is one of the unlucky times when the search engine has not been able to find a sufficient answer to your question, don't fret too much, it happens sometimes. I suppose I'll never know just how Stella got her groove back... although I suppose that even if I did know it was probably some dance move and nothing that dealt with writing humorous updates for an Internet site.

Stay tuned (don't actually) for part two in which I find hope at the bottom of a bottle of KetelOne Vodka.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

CAN I GET AN AMEN!?

2005-04-08T22:08:00.000-04:00

Alright, here's the breakdown. There are over ten million vampires living among us and the only thing keeping you from dying and becoming number ten million and one is quality merchandise. That's where we come in.

Vampires are among us and have been among us for as long as any of us (us being the people who help defend the world from vampires) can remember. Our documents date back as far as when Lincoln was killed by a vampire for attempting to impose a blood tax. Later on the vampire media covered it up and blamed John Wilkes Booth. Why am I telling you this? There is a very good chance that when the vampires catch wind (and they will) they very well might send assassins after you or try and besmirch your good name with false lies (also known as truths). They'll dig up so much dirt on you you'll wish that you had a shovel. That's where we come in.

We also sell shovels (and shovels covered with spikes in case a vampire attacks you). With these babies you can never get caught in a landslide of dirt, it's impossible. Don't believe me? Here's a very real and not made up script of what happened when the vampires tried to besmirch one of our customers:

Vampire (on the television): And it is also known that John Carmack HAS SEX WITH GOATS!
John Carmack: (beheads vampire with the shovel) Stay in school kids.

Do you see what' I'm saying? Although it should be known that once they discover that along with imposing blood taxes you're also beheading them they may try and kill you. That's where we come in.

We also sell 'fake' blood. Fake in the fact that it's actually liquified garlic. You can use are patented neckpack(TM) and when the vampires try and take one bite out of you they'll turn to dust, easy huh? Hunting vampires has never been so simple or affordable; if you'd like to look at our pricing plans you can email me and we'll talk business.

God bless.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Dare to Be Stupid (Don't Actually)

2005-04-04T23:59:00.000-04:00

Today I'm going to discuss something called a metaphor, a band named Slipknot, and the origin of the expression "a stitch in time saves nine," among other things. We will also make mention of the word "simile," but only to differentiate it from "metaphor."

It is quite possible that you've heard the word "metaphor" or the word "simile" before. You may even know what one or both of them mean. Don't worry if you aren't familiar with them though, you've used similes countless times whether you knew it or not. You see it's kind of like using a gerund in that you don't need to understand it conceptually to use it competently. The previous sentence contained both a gerund and a simile, and your ability to follow it was not in any way impeded by your inability to identify the gerund or the simile. It did not, however include any metaphors.

Now that we've established that much let us pay a visit to our dear friend, myepitaph over at deadjournal.com* Italics mine.

but now im exhausted. i feel like i am a mummy, and i should be lying inside my coffin for the next 3 lifetimes, waiting for someone to crack me open. and when they do, it would give me one clean breath of air in a thousand years, and that one breath is almost enough to breath new life into a melted and forgotten body, slowly decayed over the years.

one thing about being a mummy, youll never be grumpy when someone pulls the blinds on you, but youll still look like complete shit in the morning.

Notice the italicized clause, which just happens to be simile in action.** myepitaph is not trying to claim that he is mummy, he is merely drawing attention to what he sees as the as the similarities between himself and a mummy. There's only one problem.

Okay that was a blatant lie. There are many problems with this passage, most obviously the complete dearth of capitalization. More important is an extremely subtle error, and by subtle I mean that he has no fucking clue what a mummy is. Seriously. He's waiting for someone to crack him open? Yeah, that makes a whole fucking lot of sense, doesn't it? Oh and one breath of air is "almost enough to breath new life into a melted and forgotten body?" That's just pathetic. Awful writing coupled with awful science yields awful bullshit. At least his final thought is deeply meaningful and clearly written. Oh wait. It's just as stupid and pointless as the rest of his idiotic self-indulgence. My bad.

Reading further into myepitaph's archives we see that about half of his posts have been complete song lyrics and insipid Quizilla quizzes. How surprising that he would split his time among three utterly pointless pursuits. It would seem that he is, in fact, an Internet moron. On deadjournal. My jaw simply will not return from its resting place on the floor.

Back to our words, though. Please, please, please, do not confuse the mummy simile with a metaphor. If you see the word like or the word as you do not have a metaphor on your hands. The distinction is an incredibly simple one, but people will time and again fail to make it. A metaphor is one word used in place of another to imply a likeness or analogy between them or simply a symbol of something else. The metaphor is the more difficult figure of speech to use as it is noticeably more subtle. No overt connection is made, the point is never spelled out. This is probably why very few people can understand the concept of the metaphor; most of you need someone to explain everything to in single syllable words. To think, you are the future. I weep for the Earth.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*There are five instances of the extended middle finger in his buddy icon if you were curious. That's a gesture, known as digitus impudicus, that once signified the gesturer's distaste for his or her target. However the gesture has developed a self-referential meaning in recent years. It now signifies that the gesturer is of below average intelligence and is trying desperately to appear rebelliously hip and stylishly rebellious. The pulchritudinous fellow pictured is the lead singer of wildly unpopular band Slipknot. He wears a mask to hide the vagina where his nose ought to have been. That's the danger of nailing your sister: not only will your kid have a vagina for a nose, but he'll also helm form and loudly and aggressively atrocious musical act.

**What a lucky accident!

Definite Impossibilities

2005-04-01T17:46:00.000-05:00

This is Lemon Party. I tend to write things and post them here. Now, you may not have been reading this blog since it's inception; in fact you may be reading it for the first time right now. Now I am of the school of thought that suggests that it is impossible to know where one is going if one does not know where one has been. As such, it is important to me that I explain where Lemon Party came from before I reveal where it's going.

In the distant, primordial past I was just another guy surfing the Internets, looking for something fun to waste my time. I like to remember these are carefree days (though they weren't) because nostalgia is very hip and very reassuring. There I was without a care in the world, until I discovered blogs. Blogs, short for weblogs, are websites set up to allow Internet users to share their writings with anyone who stumbles upon said writings. Some people used them as journals, some as soapboxes, others merely for socialization. There are hopes and fears, dreams and stories and essays on blogs. There are homework assignments and fan fictions and photos and scientific papers. In short the entire breadth of human endeavor can be found in blogs for no cost to the consumer. Blogspot, Livejournal, Xanga, and more provide hosting and a template for anyone with an email address to start up a blog.

I found this world, and immediately two emotions swelled in my breast. I felt the sweetest sadness, a mourning for such wasted potential, and I felt a slow-burning rage welling up from my spleen in waves of righteous indignation and the ire born of stark betrayal. I saw corruption where there could have been virtue. I saw hacks where there could have been artists, fanfic writers where there could have been novelists, whiny teenage brats where there could have been essayists. All that space completely and utterly wasted. So I thought to myself that someone ought to do something about that. Now I knew cleaning up the Internet's blogs was far too demanding a task for man, but I knew that I had to make the effort. Even when he is doomed to failure, the moral man will attempt to do right.

Thus was Lemon Party begun. I wrote my treatises and brought in outsiders to offer their own perspectives on the blog menace. Slowly a small readership developed, and we have made some impact on the Internet; we've made a difference, Goddamnit. In recent times though it seems as if we may have lost our way. It is becoming more and more infrequent that you will see a "commandment" or other commentary on blogging or a particular blog. Instead these pages are oft filled with a cacophony of other writings. We've posted comics, and treatises on Dungeons and Dragons, and Nudeist Colonies, and villainous slander against each other. In the end, though we've lost that spark, that guiding purpose. It's been difficult for me to accept this, but I have now come to terms with the inevitable downfall of our crusade.

I am now ready to announce that no longer shall we maintain this pretense of blogging about blogs. No longer will we waste your time with foolishness like comics and nudeist colonies and time travel. From this day hence Lemon Party will serve a new role in the community, that of film reviewers. Four days a week we will review a film available at your local Blockbuster Video. On Fridays I shall post a review of a newly released film still available in cinemas across the nation. We will also be implementing a new sortable archive that will allow you to browse our reviews with unprecedented ease.

There is some sadness at giving up our past, but I hope that whatever regrets you may will be tempered by the promise of our bold new future. Thanks for reading. Good night.

And remember to visit our sponsor Blockbuster Video!

Twenty-Nine Nudeist Colonies is a Prime Number of Nudeist Colonies

2005-03-31T13:54:00.000-05:00

Today's Nudeist Colony contains a list of referrer logs, and is dedicated to the world's Shover Bots; too long have they played second fiddle to the Pusher Bots. As usual I have given date, time, resolved domain, IP address, the page viewed, and the page the reader was referred from. It should be taken for granted that all of these folks are English-speaking Americans using Windows and IExplore unless, of course, I tell you otherwise indicated. My comments will follow each entry, and my enthusiasm shall wax and wane with the moon.

Wed Mar 23 22:05:28 2005
English (Ireland)
81.169.147.22
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://www.altavista.com/web/results?itag=ody&q=free child nudeists&kgs=1&kls=0

It's saddening that even today the practice of slavery continues on. Apparently even naked children can be and have been enslaved. After all, why else would he specify that he wanted to see free children? Oh, wait. My mistake, he isn't looking for "free child nudists," he's looking for "free child nudeists." That's good. I was worried that really children were in bondage. Instead we only have to worry about nudeists, which are, luckily, nonexistent. I am relieved.

Thu Mar 24 00:44:47 2005
Farsi
Toronto-HSE-ppp3749109.sympatico.ca
67.68.99.106
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_12_05_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=trample party pictures&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8&xargs=0&pstart=1&fr=FP-ta

I've seen a lot on the Interwebnation Superhighway. I've seen more than I wanted to see; I've seen more than you have. That said I had not heard the phrase trample party before now. It's pretty easy to guess that it's going to be a group of women walking on some guy. Sounds ever so erotic doesn't it? Of course there is a healthy minority that gets off on this stuff. Healthy minority as in a sizable population of pathetic sickos, that is. He's also Farsi-speaking Canadian, another one of my absolute favorite minorities. I just love Internet.

Thu Mar 24 13:10:19 2005
adsl-68-77-154-66.dsl.emhril.ameritech.net
68.77.154.66
http://64.233.167.104/search?q=cache:GzSm03CPf24J:lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_13_lemonparty_archive.html freakshow midi download&hl=en%20target=nw http://www.google.com/search?num=100&hl=en&lr=&newwindow=1&safe=off&q=freakshow midi download&btnG=

All three of those words do in fact appear on that page. Unfortunately for that fellow they do not appear in that phrase. This is why some Internet users put "quotation marks" in their Google searches.

Thu Mar 24 13:11:02 2005
Netscape 5
customer.netlogic.net
206.80.64.146
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/
http://search.yahoo.com/search?p=crazy party pictures&sm=Yahoo%21 Search&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8&fr=FP-ta

Not all parties are sedate, elegant affairs. Sometimes you just cut loose. Cutting loose means something different to everyone. Some folks play loud music, some do body shots, some have casual anal sex. The point is that some parties are totally jumping and some aren't. As has been previously stated, we have images of neither. Neither. That means you can stop coming here looking for them, chief.

Thu Mar 24 13:49:53 2005
adsl-67-114-223-15.dsl.scrm01.pacbell.net
67.114.223.15
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_27_lemonparty_archive.html
http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&q=shitcock

It appears someone else was in desperate need of the gospel of shitcock. Shitcock is a thing of beauty and purity. It is a symbol of that is right with this world. A cock constructed of shit may seem an unpleasant thing, but in reality it is the very stuff of life. Humanity began at the behest of a cock made of shit. Your very existence, dear reader, is entirely the fault of a shitcock. That fecal phallus has provided you with you all you have in this world. The ejaculate of the shitcock is the life that flows in your veins. I hope you'll show the appropriate respect.

Fri Mar 25 16:30:11 2005
pcp0011661186pcs.summit01.nj.comcast.net
68.38.87.139
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2005_02_20_lemonparty_archive.html http://www.google.com/search?q=song lyrics containing Muhlenberg College&hl=en&lr=&safe=off&start=1

Not every Nudeist Colony has a centerpiece, a single listing that simply blows the others out of the water. This one does. First off we have obviously imbecilic way of running a search. Instead of getting results that feature the word lyrics and the phrase "Muhlenberg College," he got pages that contain the words "song," "lyrics," "containing," "Muhlenberg," and "College." How many songs do think have the word "containing" in their lyrics? If you answered, "none," you have far too much faith in the world's songwriters. If you thought the answer was "zero good ones" you'd be right. If you thought the answer was "zero songs about Muhlenberg College," you'd also be right. Who'd want to listen to a song about Muhlenberg anyway?

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Comics Day

2005-03-29T20:26:00.000-05:00

A second comic? Surely you jest!

I don't jest... and stop calling me Shirley... BAZZING!

(Read the first comic here)

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Speaking of Words...

2005-03-28T00:01:00.000-05:00

The one and only Mergatroid is speaking to you directly for the first time to bring up an issue close to her heart. Actually, not her heart, more like some figurative part of her anatomy that stores rage, hatred, and general loathing. This issue is, of course, commonly misspelled words. But this is not just any list of commonly misspelled words! No, this is a list of words that are commonly misspelled on the Internet! Shall we begin?

First up, nudeist. (Well I, for one, had no idea anyone misspelled that - Odovaucer) What you meant, my simple-minded friend, is nudist. If you didn't mean nudist, but in fact meant bananas flambé or Grandma Ida in a bikini, there are other issues you need to work through. Also, apologize to your Grandma Ida.

If you wrote liek, you probably intended to write like, or possibly lirk, which, unfortunately for you, isn't a word. Unless you're Merriam Webster, apparently. You can say lirk anytime you want, but Mergatroid will still keep a little image of you close to her figurative rage organ.

(The Oxford English Dictionary defines "lirk" as "a fold in the skin, wrinkle." The Oxford English Dictionary (OED) is the world's premier English-language lexicon. In other words, the OED is the ultimate authority on all matters. This means that Mergatroid's hate organ (spleen, in technical terminology) is wasting space on people who use a perfectly valid word. - Odovaucer)

If you wrote lol, you probably meant that you were laughing out loud. However, any use of this "word", especially out loud, automatically marks you as an idiot of the highest order. Also, people will want to punch you. If you write lol after this, it had better be a misspelling of loll. (Here again the youthful Mergatroid is mistaken. "lol" does not stand for "laughing out loud." Actually it's an acronym of "lolling online." - Odovaucer)

If you wrote lmao, you are a dumbass. (True - Odovaucer)

Finally, if you wrote pr0n and meant prawn, that's kind of sad. What's sadder is if you meant porn. If you meant pron, it's entirely possible that you expended your last remaining brain cell typing it.

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

Twenty-Eight is Equal to Seven Times Four: Nudeist Colony

2005-03-24T23:49:00.000-05:00

This week's Nudeist Colony is dedicated to Hot-News.org. It's time once again to take a closer look at you, our doting audience. Specifically we'll be looking at how you came to be reading this very page. As usual, all referrer logs are of English-speaking Americans using Windows and Internet Explorer, unless otherwise specified.

Tue Mar 15 14:49:37 2005
ppp-69-229-9-172.dsl.irvnca.pacbell.net
69.229.9.172
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=sbc-web&tab=&p=nudeist&btn=Search

Oh my. This individual trawled the interwebs for the word "nudeist." Isn't it interesting how I reflexively refer to it as a word? Yet we've trod this ground many times before, the proper spelling is "nudist." "Nudeist" grates upon the reader's mind, and even a rank amateur can detect that there is something incorrect about that spelling, but to see whether or not this disqualifies "nudeist" as a word we must consult Merriam-Webster. Let us examine Merriam-Webster's treatment of the word word.

The primary definition is "something that is said." Any utterance at all qualifies as a word under this definition, even "shitcock," "shitcock, shitcock," and "shitcock, shitcock, shitcock." Now this is a rather broad definition, and it may or may not accept "nudeist." One would think that neither nudist nor nudeist is technically an utterance; both are merely series of symbols printed on your screen. Yet, as it turns out, the word utterance is actually "something uttered; especially: a spoken or written statement." So yes, nudeist is a word. I'm glad we've cleared that up.*

Tue Mar 15 15:06:17 2005
69.146.38.152
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_12_05_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=slv1-cnetf&p=nudeist colonies

Nudeist colonies. Those would be colonies of nudeists, would they not? We should by now know what is meant by the word nudeist, but are we clear on the term colony?

For this we turn, once again, to Merriam-Webster.com.

1 a : a body of people living in a new territory but retaining ties with the parent state b : the territory inhabited by such a body

A "nudeist colony" is therefore a group of "nudeists" who have ventured forth into a new territory separate from the main body of "nudeists," not to mention nudists, and set up shop. Naked shop. Interestingly this is not the common understanding of the phrase "nudist colony," which one would have expected to be quite similar in meaning, naked meaning. Such are the things one learns on the internet. The naked internet, that is.

Wed Mar 16 00:06:26 2005
Netscape 5
bbcache-111.singnet.com.sg
165.21.154.111
http://lemonparty.blogspot.com/2003_12_28_lemonparty_archive.html
http://clusty.com/search?v%3afile=viv_85%4026%3aaN3f5x&v%3aframe=list&v%3astate=%28root-0-20%29%7cN

The explanation for this eludes me. I'm afraid I simply do not have a ready answer for this peculiar display, this naked display.

Sat Mar 19 02:09:16 2005
ppp-70-243-136-251.dsl.stlsmo.swbell.net
70.243.136.251
http://www.lemonparty.blogspot.com/2004_10_17_lemonparty_archive.html
http://search.yahoo.com/search?fr=sbc-web&tab=&p=www.nudeist.com&btn=Search

Does it ever strike you as odd that people are using yahoo to find websites whose addresses are already known? I mean if I were interested in finding the website nudeist.com I would just type that into the address bar.** Yet this person decided to use yahoo to look for it. He needed to check "http://lemonparty.blogspot.com" to make sure it was not, in fact, merely a masquerade and a cover for "nudeist.com." It was not. It was, however, this very site. This very naked site!

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.

*This doesn't mean you should ever use it though. By this definition "faewjgkjafhpaghelwo" is a word, but I don't think you'd get much mileage out of that one either.

**I am not in the least bit interested in finding that website, but I typed it in anyway, just to satisfy your sick curiosity. It's a straight-forward pornography portal site. Shocking. Who would have expected to find that sort of the thing on the internet?

Welcome to the Dollhouse

2005-03-18T23:59:00.000-05:00

Here we go: the first post from the winner of the second annual Who Wants to Be a Lemon Jockey Contest. I didn't receive an update from this person in time, so I'm simply posting her entry under the somewhat inauspicious name of Mergatroid. This Lemon Jockey may decide to change that at some point, but for now I'll let Mergatroid speak to you directly. - Odovaucer

I want to introduce you to a place on the internet so horrific, so utterly mindless and awful, it was as if ten- to twelve-year olds were the ones who had created it. But no! In fact a group of devious twenty-somethings created a site for ten- to twelve-year olds, although I suspect some of them are really more like eight. It could only be the (Neopets Message Board). Here you will find everything from Beauty Contest advertisements to Fan Clubs to Role Playing. Be assured, however, that each and every topic will include commentary from multitudes of brain-dead middle-schoolers (or just middle-schoolers if you prefer) typing with their feet. This includes such gems as "╔═Evil?═══╗." Okay then. Does that mean you're trying to be goth and/or punk?

"╚══Oh Yeah!╝" said angel_faerie1687, regarding the scintillating topic "I am dressed in black." I'll let you count for yourself how many things are wrong there. And so, people over twelve who are not brain-dead, please take the necessary precautions, wear a rubber, don't run with scissors, keep a barf-bag handy, and avoid neopets.com. It could mean the difference between life and a life sentence for murdering so many imbeciles.

(And that's vintage Mergatroid for you. Expect steadily improving updates biweekly. I've withheld the nifty animated .gif until Mergatroid contacts us again because I'm a vindictive bastard. - Odovaucer)

And remember the guiding light, lest we forget the glory that be Lemon Party.
Because your blog sucks.